The 25 Most Laughable Sex Scenes in Movie History

Image via Complex Original

Steven Spielberg knows how to make compelling cinema out of key events in world history, as evidenced by Schindler's List, Lincoln, and Munich, about the sanctioned assassination of the terrorists involved in the Black Sunday murders at the 1972 Munich Olympics. What Spielberg is not known for is his ability to direct a sex scene, which could explain the unnecessary inclusion of Eric Bana's sex-while-imagining-violence montage—Freud much?—in the otherwise deservedly Oscar-nominated film. Why is he so sweaty? Why?

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) has got a problem: He has been injected with a deadly poison and must keep his adrenaline pumping in order to live long enough to acquire the antidote. And when he feels those levels dipping in the midst of a busy Chinatown street, he concocts a plan to get his blood pumping yet again: sex with his girlfriend, Eve (Amy Smart). There's no time for wining and dining, foreplay or even finding an inconspicuous place in which to do the deed. So with an at-first reluctant partner, Chev gets the job done (as a cheering crowd looks on).

Given its PG-13 rating, The Twilight Saga can't really go the True Blood route in its depiction of vampires love-making. But the cliché honeymoon sex scene in the series' final entry, in which fingers grab at sheets, toes curl, and some CGI explosions are employed to illustrate how good it was likely made even a couple of RPatz's tween fans giggle (and not in that awkward, embarrassed way).

Sure, if you were a teenage girl in 1997, it might be considered blasphemy to say that Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Rose's (Kate Winslet) passionate comingling in the back of a car before the ship goes down is laughable. And truth be told, it wouldn't stand out as anything other than your regular run-of-the-mill blockbuster sex scene... if it weren't for Rose's hand slamming against a steamed up window! C'mon. 

Sharon Stone owes her career to her vagina. If she hadn't famously flashed her crotch in Basic Instinct, she likely never would have been given the opportunity to work with the likes of Martin Scorsese and Sam Raimi. Unfortunately, in the films that immediately followed her turn as Paul Verhoeven's femme fatale, her willingness to get down and dirty on camera seemed more in demand than her actual acting ability. In the overall ridiculous Sliver, she plays a somewhat timid book editor who looks more ready to cry than climax in her first physical interlude with the mysterious owner of her new apartment building (William Baldwin). For fans of bad sex scenes, Sliver is chock full of 'em!

Dubbed "The Citizen Kane of bad movies" by Entertainment Weekly, all of this low-budget rom-com—written, directed, produced, starring, and distributed by Tommy Wiseau—should be considered laughable. But the sex scenes. The sex scenes.

Bad acting and poor production quality come together in a perfect storm of cinematic cheese. Look at this man's face.

A year after Sliver, Sharon Stone was at it again—this time engaging in some totally unappealing shower sex with Sylvester Stallone's too-muscular-for-his-age ass in The Specialist. This is the nightmare you have after reading Muscle & Fitness after having eaten too much cheese before bed.

Maybe it’s all the purple. But there’s a certain androgyny to Prince that makes sex with him seem, well, odd. A lesson poor Apollonia learns while attempting to rev up the pop star's Little Red Corvette throughout this so-bad-it's-good '80s classic. Serves her right for having anything to do with a guy who tricks her into purifying herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

As if being the music industry's favorite Boy Toy weren't enough, Madonna attempted to de-throne Sharon Stone as Hollywood's sex-scene queen in 1993 with Body of Evidence, an uncompelling ripoff of Basic Instinct in every possible way. In this version, a suspected murderess (Madonna) seduces her lawyer (Willem Dafoe) instead of the police detective. Sexual escapades happen on the roof of a car (atop a broken lightbulb), and with the aid of candlewax, handcuffs, and even a little biting. Pretty standard stuff, especially the lightbulb bit.

If you were under the age of 21 and/or a male virgin when you first saw Wild Things, you probably thought it was pretty hot. But watch it again with fresh—and more sexually experienced—eyes and you might just see it for the totally choreographed, meant-to-manipulate scene it is. Sure, Denise Richards is attractive, but just think that she’d go on to marry and have kids with Charlie Sheen a few years later. And Neve Campbell looks like she’d rather be making out with Claudia's violin from Party of Five.

Considering that the entire Matrix series is a bit of a mind-fuck, it would make sense that sex in The Matrix is a bit of a mind-fuck. Which is the only way to explain—or at least defend—whatever is happening when Neo (Keanu Reeves) and Trininty (Carrie-Anne Moss) are getting sweaty while the people of Zion are getting all Studio 54 upstairs. OK, actually this is just very, very bad. Cue the slo-mo gyrations...

Before there was Showgirls, there was Color of Night—Bruce Willis' infamous go at full frontal nudity, which is ultimately the thing for which the film is most remembered. Willis' willie makes its appearance in a partially underwater pool sex scene (with Jane March) where an odd POV shooting style makes it feel particularly voyeuristic...and more than a little icky.

OK, James Cameron. We get it. You're a talented filmmaker who basically reinvented the way that movies are made with Avatar. You were nominated for a bunch of Oscars for your efforts and made a billion dollars. But did you really need to reinvent the act of sex, too? And why is it like plugging in a Ninento GameCube?

Lauded by some as a brilliant piece of filmmaking and decried by others as nothing more than art-house porn, Bernardo Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris is really a matter of taste. And if you've got a taste for dairy in your sexual repertoire, then Marlon Brando's use of a stick of butter in an interlude with his nameless lover (Maria Schneider) might sound sexy. For the rest of us, Brando's huffing and puffing, red turtleneck, endless chatter and unimpressive thrusts make for a wholly unsatisfying event.

After E.T. and before Boys on the Side, Drew Barrymore hit a bit of a personal and professional rough patch, which included two stints in rehab for drugs and alcohol (all by the age of 15). But with Poison Ivy, she announced her return to the industry, and transition from kid star to adult actress. If only the setup for her seduction of a rich older man weren't so Lifetime Movie-esque: she drugs the dying mom (Cheryl Ladd) of her best friend Sylvie (Sara Gilbert) in order to get it on with Sylvie's dad (Tom Skerritt)...all just inches away from the bedside of his ailing wife. Jokez.

Gigli is widely known as one of the worst movies ever made—the punchline that replaced Ishtar when one was in need of a box office turkey to reference. And speaking of turkey, the film also contains one of the worst come-ons ever committed to celluloid. When Jennifer Lopez decides it's time to give in to Ben Affleck's charms—despite the fact that she's playing a lesbian—she gently suggests that a little oral sex might be a good way to get the party started by telling him it's "Turkey Time." When he's understandably confused, she clarifies: "Gobble, gobble." Two unsexier words have ever been uttered!

In the pantheon of ridiculous zero gravity coitus, Moonraker's is the tops. As James Bond and Dr. Holly Goodhead celebrate their victory against the nefarious Hugo Drax with a quick shag aboard the space shuttle, the Minister of Defence wonders, "My God, what's Bond doing?" Q responds: "I think he's attempting re-entry, sir."

Clive Owen doing the nasty with Monica Bellucci in the midst of a gunfight gives new meaning to the phrase “shooting blanks” in the aptly titled Shoot 'Em Up.

Warning: The most infamous scene in Jack Frost—in which the titular snowman attacks a pre-American Pie Shannon Elizabeth in the bathtub—is not a consensual one. But that doesn't mean that it's still not completely ridiculous, especially when the "arrival" of Jack Frost is announced by his carrot nose floating up from the water.

After being cryogenically frozen for 36 years, LAPD Sergeant John Spartan is unfrozen in 2032 and discovers that the world has changed. And so has sex. When Lieutenant Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) propositions Spartan, he's ready to drop his pants... but quickly learns that lovemaking now happens via virtual reality. His reaction to the pleasure it brings is priceless.

OK, so there's no actual duck-on-human penetration. But the implication is strong enough to disturb parents who brought—or sent—their kids to an innocent-sounding PG-rated movie about a humanoid duck, produced by the same dude who made Star Wars.

When two superheros get together—in this case, Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) and Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)—the results can only be explosive. Literally. The trite scene, set to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah," climaxes with Akerman accidentally hitting a button that sets off a fireball explosion. Get it?!

If you've ever seen a goldfish flip out of its bowl and on to the floor, then you've essentially already witnessed the infamous pool sex scene in Showgirls. In it, dancer Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) impresses her boss Zack (Kyle MacLachlan) with her extreme flexibility, after he makes the first move under the waterfall, emerging like the Loch Ness Monster. Making the whole thing even more chuckle-inducing is the hideous pool decor, all neon palm trees and dolphin sculptures. If you were to inadvertently stumble upon these two in the act, you'd swear you were witnessing a deranged and/or distressed sea mammal.