Image via Complex Original
Reality Bites is 20 years old today. Basically about the same age as some of you reading this. For those of you who were still in Pampers when this movie came out, Reality Bites followed the lives of four recent graduates who dared to fight the man, tried to find love, and smoked what seems like six packs of cigarettes a day. An aspiring filmmaker, Lelaina (Winona Ryder) captures the struggles of Generation X through firsthand accounts from her friends: the handsome coffee-house guitarist, Troy (Ethan Hawke), her promiscuous roomie Vickie (Janeane Garofalo), who might be HIV positive, and Sammy (Steve Zahn), who struggles to come out to his mother.
Like all good things, the '90s had to come to an end. Gone are the days of car phones and finding simple enjoyment in coffee and cigarettes (sans an iPhone in your other hand). Garage bands take a backseat so the musicians can get real jobs. And those real jobs wouldn't be found in printed-out classifed ads.
Now wrap yourself up in flannel, here's what would change if Reality Bites was made for the Millennials.
Written by Hope Schreiber (@HopeSchreiber)
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Lelaina wouldn't film on VHS but would have a series of Vines.
Lelaina was a "filmmaker" who really just hung out with her friends and filmed them getting philosophical over blunts and tequila shots. So, basically, what you upload to Vine and delete the next morning. You'd be able to watch 2014 Lelaina's 12-part web series though, titled "White Girl Waxing Philosophical."
Michael's car phone, headset, and map are all relics of the past, replaced with an iPhone.
It's pretty funny to watch older movies and see them using the "latest technology." Man, we remember car phones and they were the coolest thing. Of course, the price to use them was ridiculous. That's how you knew Michael (Ben Stiller) was very rich and important.
Michael not only could afford the latest technology, but he needed it. He had to be plugged into his corporate job 24/7, so much so that he wore a ridiculous headset even at the office, like an old-timey telephone operator. The kicker? Watching him struggle with a fold-up map. It only makes us hold our iPhones just a little bit closer. Thank you, friend.
Lelaina makes $400/week at her—in theory—dream job. Now it would be an unpaid internship.
This probably speaks volumes about us, but while we rewatched this very special movie for its twentieth anniversary, we were jealous of Lelaina's $400-a-week paycheck from working on a local morning show.
Are you kidding? We'd kill for that. Nowadays, anything that comes close to "dream job" status would start as an unpaid internship. While getting a job at our local department store is like competing in the Hunger Games, Lelaina scoffs at the idea of working at the Gap. Generation X, you don't know how good you had it.
There would be less chain smoking and laying in bed thinking, and more chain smoking while writing Thought Catalog pieces.
Watching movies set during the dial-up days is always mystifying. The characters have so much free time to just chill and think. Do other people still do that? Like, dude, when was the last time you laid in your bed and stared at the ceiling and just contemplated your love triangle? Like, never.
Now, we'd turn that shit into a Thought Catalog piece like, "Things You Realize When You're 23," or "Most of All, Don't Forget About Me," or "Figuring Out Your Love Life in GIFs."
This is what the cast would look like now:
- Janeane Garofalo's dry and sarcastic, yet sexually promiscuous Vickie would be played by Alia Shawkat.
- Steve Han's nerdy Sammy would best suit Michael Cera, though who knows if he could pull off the coming out storyline.
- Ethan Hawke's stubborn slacker-musician, Troy, would be the next heartthrob Jack O'Connell.
- And who could possibly be the next Winona Ryder? Shailene Woodley is cute and talented enough to fit the role, but could she be the female voice of a generation?
Lelaina would end up with Michael, not Troy.
Come on, a successful guy who works for the next MTV or a guy who sleeps on your couch, can't keep any job, and basically complains about being friend-zoned the whole movie? Get a haircut, ya hippy. Michael's a nice guy who has his own office. Troy thinks the establishment owes him a Snickers. Ugh.
Lelaina's dad would never give her a gas card and pay it for a year. Today, gas costs $3/gallon in Houston.
Lelaina rolls her eyes at her dad's graduation gift: an old BMW and a gas card he'd pay off for a year. Are you serious? This is an awesome gift. Gas is crazy expensive. Raise your hand if your parents side-eye you for asking for gas money just once. See, now think about the lecture you'd get when you ask for a month's worth.
What did you parents get you for graduating? Nothing, because our gift was our education and our parents not being ashamed of us. Thanks mom, thanks dad.
There'd be less focus on Vickie's almost-AIDS story and more focus on Sammy's coming out story.
Sammy being gay is kind of just thrown at us when the movie's just about to be wrapped up. He never has a boyfriend, he's non-threatening and sexless, and his mom kicks him out of the house. That's it, really. He's not a stereotype, but his homosexuality isn't explored either. It's like "We're here, we're queer! Don't worry we won't be too loud, go about your business."
Meanwhile, Vickie gets more camera time with her fear of getting AIDS, which is still a major issue, but not the death sentence it used to be in the early '90s.
The movie would be called a Girls ripoff.
Friends living together, rich kids trying to make it without their parent's help, twentysomethings discussing life and love in Houston? Yeah, sounds a lot like Girls. Of course, it was written by Helen Childress, then 24 years old, about her real life friends. That's close enough to Lena Dunham, who was 25 when Girls, her HBO dramedy about her BFFs in New York, premiered.
The credits wouldn't role to Lisa Loeb's "Stay (Miss You)."
Nowadays, Lisa Loeb's singles don't get much air time, besides in karaoke bars and '90s flashbacks in movies. So what would replace this quintessential '90s theme song? Maybe Lorde. Maybe [insert indie band with ironic name here].
