A Guide to Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend Before Summer

Image via Complex Original

When it comes to breaking up, don’t delay the inevitable. A bad relationship is like toiling in a dead-end job or eating expired deli meat: the sooner you stop, the better off you’ll be. The worst thing you can do is waste away in a hapless bond made up of drunken arguments and passive-aggressive eye rolls. You don’t want to carry that kind of energy into summer, do you? Exactly. Make a decision and act.

Remember when Elin Nordegren scrolled Tiger Woods’ cell phone and found an airplane hangar’s worth of boob pics from bottle service waitresses? After that, she allegedly swung on him with a golf club. Not to say your relationship is anything like Elin and Tiger, but the wrath of a love-scorned individual occasionally involves a wine bottle being smashed over another person’s head. If you’re going to do it in the privacy of your own home, remove all sharp objects from the room. If you’re going to do it in Starbucks like a coward, make sure she’s not holding a scalding hot latte.

Now is not the time to use softened language or subtlety. You’re going to want to slam this window shut and paint it over—for your sake and for hers. Articulate your reasons for the split and be prepared to answer follow-up questions like, “You’re breaking up with me!? Are you fucking kidding?” The important thing is to be honest and straightforward. Don’t say more than you need to, but say enough to close things down permanently. 

You want this talk to end as though the two of you are on Harley Davidsons headed in opposite directions, not as though you just threw her luggage in the pool at the Bad Girls Club. In other words, do your best to make sure that this thing doesn’t turn into a chaotic argument. Don’t accost her for never going to your softball games or something stupid like that. Hold it together, man.

There has to be a constructive dialogue here. This is not a mic drop situation. You might find that your ex has similar reservations about going forward, which might make “being friends” an easier transition. Or, she might just need to yell some shit at you for awhile. Either way, you’re moving forward.

Don’t let the finality of breaking up fool you into thinking that goodbyes are made in the bedroom. Just don’t do it, fam. You’ve made it this far, don’t let one last romp in the sack take you back to Step One.

There’s nothing more pathetic than a couple that uses social media to air out dirty laundry. Sure, watching you guys squabble on a News Feed is more entertaining than engagement ring photos and baby pictures, but it’s a bad look for you two. You might end up on an Internet slideshow or something. It’s 2014, and embarrassing yourself publicly has never been easier. Turn off the Wi-Fi for a few days. 

There’s a good chance that your Tinder profile isn’t going to pop off as expected, but don’t get drunk and start texting Drake lyrics to your ex at 2 a.m. That’s not how an adult handles a breakup. You made the decision to end things, so respect your decision and move on. 

The “missed call” construct goes both ways, so—in sticking to your guns—ignore her text messages and other attempts to make contact. Y’all can be friends eventually, but the first four weeks or so should be radio silence. It’s not going to be easy, but as Neil Sedaka famously said, “breakin' up is hard to do.”

The best way to shake a breakup is to burn the midnight oil at the office, join a CrossFit gym, or learn to build a ship in a bottle. Staying active and busy is key. Also, summer! With its abundant sunshine and palpable carnal energy, summer makes breaking up much easier to overcome. Good luck out there, young man.