Everything You Need to Know to Watch Season 6 of "True Blood"

Everyone's magical. Everyone's naked. It's HBO.

June 15, 2013

Image via Complex Original

Everyone's favorite erotic vampire dramedy True Blood returns to HBO this Sunday. Like the titular blood-substitute, True Blood is an acquired taste: Either you love the pulpy, convoluted melodrama, or you'd rather be staked. Even the most die-hard fans can have trouble keeping up with the twists and turns of a series that seems to introduce a new supernatural species every time Alcide (Joe Manganiello) takes his shirt off. Whether you've have missed a couple seasons and want to drop back in or this will be your first time as a vicarious fang banger, we're here to help.

We've recapped the first five seasons of the show, from back in the day when Bill was charming and half the characters were still alive through the most recent season's thinly veiled criticism of religious fundamentalism. How did we do it? With GIFs, duh. We all know what you're wondering, and yes, it took us hours just to get through all of the GIFs that were NSFW. If you have a favorite sex scene from the show, we can guarantee there are at least a dozen graphic GIFs available for your viewing pleasure. At this point, it is difficult to find a GIF of True Blod characters with their clothes on. Even Andy Bellefleur (Chris Bauer) couldn't resist showing us his ass last season.

As your maker, we command you to refresh your memory of the only soap opera on television with more violence than Rambo. Here is Everything You Need to Know to Watch Season 6 of True Blood.

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Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)

True Blood has become so complicated over the course of five seasons, it's enough to drive you to drink.

But don't freak out. We're here to help

So, put on something comfortable and let us catch you up.

True Blood mostly takes place in Bon Temps, Louisiana, where humans and supernatural types live in disharmony and eat a lot of lunch at Merlotte's Bar and Grill.

This is Sookie Stackhouse. She's the heroine, which involves a lot of sleeping with magical, shirtless men and getting into trouble. She also waits tables at Merlotte's on the side.

If he's hot and not human, Sookie's gonna get with him.

And she's half faerie.

Which is helpful sometimes...

...but usually just means she gets in at weird faerie parties.

Vampires are drawn to Sookie because faerie blood tastes better than human blood.

Lately though, they've been enemies more often than lovers.

Bill was the first supernatural figure to take an interest in Sookie. Fellow vampire and brooding Norseman Eric Northman got excited by her, too.

Like we said, excited.

BTW: Bill is hundreds of years old and Eric was a Viking, which makes all of this even sexier.

See what we mean? This is Marcus. He, like many of the less attractive minor characters on True Blood, is dead. Alcide killed him.

Important: Werewolves are not to be confused with shapeshifters. Meet Sam Merlotte, proprietor of Merlotte's by day, shapeshifter by night.

He had a thing for Sookie, too, until he fell for Luna, a fellow shifter.

Sam and Luna have had a tough go of it lately. Most recently, they've been the victims of hate crimes...

...inexplicably become mirror images of each other...

....and had an April-November gay vampire couple kidnap Luna's child.

But before we get back to vampires, meet Lafayette Reynolds. You're gonna love him.

He's a sassy line cook with some fortune-telling, ghost-channeling skills.

He's the guy you call if you're tired of being haunted or you can't decide what dress to wear for a night out on the town.

He was dating a wonderful guy named Jesus, but Jesus is dead.

OK, now let's get back to vampires.

Lately, Bill and Eric have become deeply involved in vampire politics.

The Authority, the big wigs of vampire politics, used to be headed up by this guy, Roman. Now he's dead.

He's dead because he championed "mainstreaming," the idea that vampires and humans can co-exist peacefully. Vampire fundamentalists like Salome here didn't like that.

The fundamentalists believe that the Vampire Goddess Lilith wants vampires to subjugate humans.

Bill and Eric get in bed (literally) with the fundamentalists with the help of Nora, Eric's sister.

And by "sister" we mean "vampire made by the same maker who he has sex with constantly."

Lilith is always naked and usually covered in blood. She looks good in red. At the end of last season, Bill was naked and covered in blood, too, so apparently, this is becoming a trend.

Lilith selected Bill to run the Authority at the end of last season. He killed every vampire who stood in his way, including Salome. He's pretty scary now.

Eric isn't buying Bill's whole born-again, human-hating, blood-bathing thing. It looks like they're headed for conflict.

If you were wondering how the fundamentalists took over the Authority, let's just say it wasn't too hard for them.

Who was that rakish vampire ripping off that other vampire's head? It's Russell Edgington, everyone's favorite eccentric gay Southern psychotic vampire.

Russell met the True Death at the end of last season. That's means he's dead. Like, actually dead. Like, no longer undead.

Russell has been vanquished before, only to return. But it looks like he's really dead this time.

Russell is survived by his recently acquired protégé and lover, Steve Newlin.

Steve used to be a fundamentalist preacher before he became a vampire. He has remained fabulous throughout his transformation.

He took over as spokesman for the Authority after former Spokesvampire Nan Flanagan got got by Bil and Eric.

Steve has been enjoying his time as a vampire.

There's another new vampire on the scene: Sookie's former best friend Tara Thornton.

She became a vampire because Sookie felt guilty for getting her killed, even though, by this point, Sookie should be used to getting people killed.

Pam, Eric's right-hand woman and chronic shade thrower, turned Tara at Sookie's request.

Tara is the worst new vampire. Jessica is the best.

Sorry, Steve, we'll never love you as much as we love her.

And it's easy to see why.

Jessica has friends-with-benefits status with Jason Stackhouse, Sookie's dim-witted, washboard-abbed brother.

And we mean dim-witted.

Like, he's really stupid.

Jessica used to date Jason's best friend Hoyt.

No one was surprised when Jessica chose Jason over Hoyt.

But Jason felt super guilty about the whole thing.

And Hoyt was so pissed that he decided to forget Jessica and Jason ever existed and moved to Alaska.

Needless to say, Jason and Hoyt aren't best friends anymore.

Is that Frank Sobotka sitting across from Jason there? No, it's Sheriff Andy Bellefleur, man about town and Jason's boss.

Andy became sheriff when Bud Dearborne retired to devote himself to what he loved: his human supremicist hate group.

This hate group was not very tolerant. They tried to kill almost all of your favorite main characters last season.

Believe it or not, there are humans in Bon Temps who aren't supernatural creatures or law enforcement.

We spend much time with two of them: Arelene and Terry.

Arlene is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

But neither is Terry.

Their love is beautiful.

That covers all of the important True Blood plot lines. We know that all of this can be a bit overwhelming.

But all you have to remember is that a lot of characters died last season, and that the vampires and humans are not on good terms.

Now you're ready to enjoy the erotically charged vampire loving action on True Blood.

Enjoy the premiere Sunday night and...

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