10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman You're Trying to Sleep With

This line hasn't worked with women since the 1940s, and even then it only worked if you looked like Humphrey Bogart or Cary Grant. Even a woman who was raised by wolves or in the Midwest knows that this is male code for, "I don't know you and I have no idea what to talk to you about, but I would really like to sleep with you." Not only do women see right through this line, but it is a huge cop out. If you say anything else, you have to admit that you actually want to talk to the girl. Using this line gives you the option to, at any point, say, "Oh, sorry, I guess I thought you were someone else." and wander away like the little bitch you are.

There's a reason your mother warned you never to bring up religion or politics at social gatherings. Even if you're partying in the most gentrified hood in your city at a Planned Parenthood benefit, there is a chance that the girl you are spitting to is a junior at Central Arkansas Evangelical Bible College for the Uptight and Closeminded. Never assume anything; your girl might just be wearing that Che Guevara shirt because she likes the way that it brings out her eyes. It is always better to avoid discussing the political events of the day at all costs. Once you've slept together once or twice and neither of you feel the overwhelming urge to bolt out of bed the second the sun peeks through the blinds, then you can explore whether or not you're socially compatible. Until then, just nod and agree that Sarah Palin would make a great President and that you're deeply offended by Miley Cyrus's Twerkaholism.

Just because you burn incense while taking bong rips and you went to a Grateful Dead tribute concert one time doesn't make you spiritual. Spare us the pretentious bullshit and just admit that, like the rest of us, you can't imagine that a just God could preside over such a terrible, meaningless world. Or admit that you are the same religion as your parents and you've never been open to experiencing anything else. These are basically the two options that you have, and you aren't the exception, unless you are a religious studies scholar or you've done peyote in the desert. You're going to be tempted to portray yourself as some enigma as you nod your head to 2 Chainz and drink booze out of a colored fish bowl. Just remember that if you try to affect an aura of mystery in the club, the lady in question will know one thing for sure about you: you are a douche.

This is another one of those lines that hasn't been used sucessfully outside the set of a film noir ever. Let's play this one out. This can go one of two ways, right? One answer is, "Yes." You don't come here often, as you had to ask her if she comes here often, so what do you say next? "Is it always like this?" or "It seems like a pretty cool place." Rev those engines folks because we have ourselves some real conversation starters. The other answer is "No." Again, you haven't been here much, so you say, "Me neither." followed by a "Do you like it?" Once again, we can just imagine the endless conversation that will arise from this one. Odds are, if you lead with "Come here often?" you won't ever have the opportunity to figure out is she "comes often" in any other circumstances.

Oh, really? Are you such a fan of women's fashion that you did a quick analysis of the trends in the room and decided to talk to this particular lovely young lady because you just adored the way the paisley pattern of her bandeau complimented her sheer vintage tank top? She really appreciates a compliment on her fashion coming from the guy whose clothing knowledge begins and ends with the concept that he shouldn't wear a blue shirt with blue jeans and blue shoes. Unless you're a menswear blogger (shout out to our boys at Four Pins and Complex Style), we suggest that you refrain from trying to pay a false compliment to a lady's sense of style. She sees through you about as easy as you see through that tank top.

If you've graduated from high school, this is a terrible question to ask. Back in the day, you identified yourself by one of the ten bands that they played at the mall, and your favorite song was selected from the forty or so songs that blared from the loudspeakers at the community swimming pool. In the adult world, music tastes differ so wildly that this question is only going to serve to drive a rift between you and your potential lover. You don't want to be one of those people sitting there arguing about the differences between "Bounce-Crunk-Step" and "Ghetto Ghost House" or whatever new subgenres have been parsed out on the blogosphere in the last week or so. Likely, that is exactly what's going to happen if you get into the music conversation. Conversations about music generally devolve quickly into this.

There are some questions that you just don't really want to know the answer to. Women have a way of letting you know information that they want to tell you. So, if they want you to know about their boyfriend, they'll bring it up. My friends and I play a game: "How Long Will It Take For Her to Bring Up Her Boyfriend In Casual Conversation." Ideally, a considerate lady will bring it up before you rack up a significant drink tab trying to woo her. If she's in a committed relationship, you're likely going to know within ten minutes. The point here is that if she doesn't want to go there, you don't have to. Just hope you don't find out courtesy of a Louisville Slugger across your kneecaps first thing in the morning.

Yeah, no shit. That's why she wore a dress that fits about as snugly as a sausage casing, took an hour and a half to work on her hair before leaving the house, and spent the last three months doing yoga and pilates while you were eating KFC Double Downs. Women know they're sexy, and they want to hear it...from anybody but the guy who is obviously trying to hit it, because he is probably slightly biased. If you are truly at a loss for words when you behold this modern day Venus bathed in neon strobe lights as Robin Thicke plays in the background, at least choose less crass words. Try "beautiful," "pretty," or (if you're a bit pretentious) "radiant." That is, if you absolutely have to go beyond "you look really nice tonight."