Image via Complex Original
Selfies have taken over the Internet. You can’t even log on to Facebook or Twitter or Instagram without being assaulted by the faces of every person you've ever met and never wanted to see again. It can all be a bit overwhelming, seeing so much ego and vanity colorfully filtered and arrayed for you on your iPhone. We can’t stop the onslaught of selfies. Believe us, if we knew a way, we would dedicate all of our energies to such a noble task.
What we can do is break down the species of selfie so that we can better understand the egotistical pics that clog up your bandwidth on the daily. A selfie is always self-serving, but there are a number of ways that a selfie can stroke the ego. Many selfies serve your vanity. You find the best light possible and show off the abs, ass, or whatever other body part is better than the others. Some use selfies to show their conspicuouis consumption, from where they are vacationing to what they had for lunch. Others employ the selfie to prove to the Internet that they are too clever for a standard selfie. Yes, the selfie is a versatile way to let the world know all the way you think you’re better than the rest of us in whatever way you wish. So, in honor of Instagram's three-year anniversary this month, we honor the selfie. Consider all of these ways to put your best, most annoying digital face forward with our 15 Types of Selfies.
The Show You My Good Side Selfie
Every successful selfie puts your best assets forward. For some of us, our eyes are our most attractive quality. For others, our full lips land us attention. Others among us, as my Father always says, "look great walking towards you, but look even better walking away." When taking a selfie, it is important to be honest with yourself about your best qualities and mercilessly exploit them. If you aren't being admired for your finer assets, what's the point of taking a selfie?
The Bed Selfie
It's inspiring. On those lazy days when the denizens of the Internet just don't feel like getting out of bed, they find the strength to lift up their phone and take a selfie. Just as we never understood girls who wore velour pajama pants to class in college, we'll never get the bed-ridden selfie. For some reason, we have this need to let people know how lazy we are in this country. We like to be demonstrably lethargic, to let the world know that we are "bumming it." We wonder what has happened to our country in the same breath that we celebrate that fact that we plan on watching Netflix and eating donut holes for an entire day.
That being said ... we have to admit that actually sounds pretty nice.
The Beach Feet Brag Selfie
Not all selfies prominently feature one's face. One of the most common types of selfie is this ridiculous variety of point-of-view shot. Here's the thing: while we're grinding away at our jobs, freezing our asses off as fall turns to winter, we don't want to see your beach vacation photos. We definitely don't want to see pics featuring your nasty ass feet. If you are travelling to some exotic locale or you are in the presence of natural beauty, that's one thing. But, if you're chugging a twelve pack of Shiner oceanfront at Myrtle Beach, you don't have to tell the world about it. Maybe, just maybe, we can accept this type of selfie if you are trailblazing through the back country of Yosemite or staying in a hostel in Prague. If you are accompanying your little cousin to Ocean City for senior week, keep your phone in the hotel.
The Bathroom Selfie
Few recent trends have been quite as disturbing as the bathroom selfie. As we spend our days fretting about the government's access to our private records and worrying about being spied on, we willfully give up our last bastion of privacy by taking pics after we take a dump. Even if you don't consider the bathroom a private place, think of those who will see your selfie. Why would anyone want to look at a picture of you in the bathroom? Don't you have a garden or a back patio that would make for a more intriguing background? Hell, even a nice brick wall is more pleasant to look at than your shower and your porcelain throne. Friends don't let friends take bathroom selfies, unless they are X-rated and sent in exchange for similar photos from a lady.
The "I Eat, Therefore I Am" Seflie
Listen up, those of you who insist on taking pictures of yourselves with your food. No one is impressed with the food that you eat. Anyone with money, well really, anyone with a credit card, can order food. No matter how exotic or fancy it may be, no one is impressed with what you eat. We might be impressed with what you cook, but only if you trained at Le Cordon Bleu. This is yet another time in life where we would encourage you to consider the golden rule. Would you want to see a picture of someone else's food? No. Would you want to see a picture of someone wearing as little clothing as permitted by your social network of choice? Yes. Go and do likewise, and keep that phone in your pocket next time you go out for tapas.
The Gym Selfie
We will never understand the gym selfie. If you go to the gym regularly, people who know you will notice the results. Whether you are out at the club, working in the office, or attending a stamp collecting convention, your body will be on display. It's as though people think that the gym has magical powers. They believe that just by being at their local fitness center, their bodies magically firm up in front of the camera. We are here to tell you that this is not the case. The only difference between a gym selfie and a regular selfie is that you have a much higher chance of catching someone more attractive than you in the background at the gym.
The "I Saw A Celebrity" Selfie
How far do you think a celebrity can walk in public before they are forced into a selfie? Ten feet? Less? It probably differs depending on the level of fame we're dealing with. We bet that Miley Cyrus, Lebron James, and the guys from Duck Dynasty don't even leave the house without factoring several dozen selfie pitstops into their travel time. We suppose that's a small price to pay for fame, but we would encourage you to restrain yourself from begging for a celebrity selfie. To your friends online, it is just going to look like a Google image search, but with some random douche in the picture.
The Way Too Much Effort Collage Selfie
If your selfie can be described as a "craft" or a "project" and not merely a photo, we have a problem. If you think your mother puts too much effort into scrapbooking, but here you are arranging photos in little squares, you need to check yourself. No one is giving you extra selfie points for degree of difficulty. If you find yourself making a photo collage of yourself, you need to put your phone in a drawer, take a long walk, and take stock of your priorities.
The "I Don't Give A F***, But I Really Do Though" Selfie
Pretending like you're hard in your selfie is never a good look. Think about it: people who are actually tough don't take selfies. We'll wager that you laughed at this chubby boy in his Cookie Monster snapback and matching bandana. We've got news for you: this is what every tough guy selfie looks like if it isn't taken by a convicted felon. Not even all convicted felons can get away wit this variety of selfie. Don't think that just because you were convicted of tax evasion that you are suddenly hard.
The Abs Selfie
The world is proud of you for doing enough crunches and minimizing your Bagel Bite intake until you got yourself a six-pack. We will even permit you one selfie in celebration of your achievement. Heck, if you are an attractive woman wearing a sports bra, we'll give you two. Just don't think that you are going to reap any sort of rewards. There is a delusional belief among this country's gym going men that if women see your rock-hard abs, they will instantly want to sleep with you. This is not the case. Though tight abs are a nice bonus, women have already seen the rest of your body, your face, and your personality, and probably didn't like what they saw. So, show off that newly acquired tummy, but don't expect any spoils from your war with stomache fat.
The Drunk Selfie
You can never take too many of these. Drunk selfies are like snowflakes, each one is unique in the way that it will embarrass you in the morning. Perhaps you didn't realize that your fly was down. Maybe you didn't notice that combination of nacho cheese and vomit caked onto your t-shirt. It's possible that you are no longer wearing pants. The point is that though we are advocates of limiting pretty much every other variety of selfie, we believe there is no such thing as too much drunk selfie. So, let your Instagram feed flow with the booze and don't stop photographing yourself drunk until you pass out ... and then your friends will do it for you.
The "I Love Fall" Selfie
This might be an unpopular opinion, but we can't wait for Fall to end. Yes, it is wonderful to watch the leaves turn and down every pumpkin beer we can get our hands on, but when will the self-satisfied photos end? If we have to peep one more pic of some smug Facebook friend apple picking while wearing a scarf they knitted and slurping a pumpkin spice latte, we might just chuck our laptops out the window and into the crisp Fall air. We would, of course, take a photo of ourelves retrieving our broken computers from the sidewalk while wearing sweaters our grandmother knitted and drinking spiced cider, thus perpetuating the terrible cycle!
The Incriminating Selfie a.k.a. The Hernandez
We actually live in a world where criminals take time out of their busy schedule of doing illegal things to take photos of themselves doing illegal things. This says so much about the vanity and stupidity of Internet culture. That being said, let he among us who could have a sack of money in front of a bathroom mirror and not pause to snap a photo of themselves making it rain cast the first stone. If you are going to take a photo of yourself mid-crime, we have two tips for you. First, make sure your face is totally covered. Then, make sure it looks awesome, as it is likely the last photo you'll be taking for a long time, and could very well be published in your hometown newspaper.
The Duckface Selfie
The duckface selfie is the best known variety of selfie. It is by no means the most common variety, but before the selfie, the duckface wasn't easily identifiable. Once selfies became popular, we realized that when people thought they were making themselves look more like models, they were actually making themselves look like ducks. Though the duckface selfie looks ridiculous, it actually comes from a very sensible place. The most attractive among us, models and actresses, have pouty lips. Short of collagen implants, there is no way to make your lips look more pouty. So, we strain our lips to emulate the puffy lipped beauties of stage and screen. Hence, the duckface selfie.
Remember, all monstrosities begin in a sensible place.
The Selfie Parody
There is, of course, selfie parody. Anyone who considers themselves to be the least bit funny is required to have some sort of goofy selfie in their profile pic arsenal that draws attention to the very act of selfie creation. Generally, this type of selfie is reserved for those who are not attractive enough to post pictures of their favorite body parts and not rich enough to post pictures of their gourmet food or vacation homes. Yes, this comprises the entire staff of Complex Tech, how did you know?
You have a lot of options when showing the world how funny you are. You can stage a selfie with your child, your pet, or your grandmother. You can simply throw on a funny t-shirt. If you also want to show the world how smart you are, you can create some sort of socio-political commentary with your selfie. We aren't actually smart enough to tell you how you would go about doing that, but we're sure you'll figure it out. Whatever you do, make sure you put your efforts towards doing dumb stuff on the Internet rather than writing a thoughtful essay or creating art. Learning to sculpt or play the cello is dope and all, but where's the instant gratification? Forget writing the great American novel, it's high time you focused on taking the Great American Selfie.