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How did we find restaurants before Yelp? It’s hard to remember back through the fog of history to a time when the only ways to find out about a restaurant were through word of mouth and attractive signage. Today, we can see 50 reviews of the deli on the corner with only a couple taps on our smartphone. It’s a great system; the only problem is the people writing the reviews. For the most part, people are reasonable, but there are some reviewers who ruin the Yelp experience for the rest of us.
We are gathered here on the Internet today to review the Yelp reviewers. It is time to call out the ridiculousness of many amateur food critics across the Internet. We’re here to be supportive, but we also want to remind you that Yelp is not therapy nor is it place for you to seek revenge against restaurateurs who have wronged you. Yelp is simply a place to tell other people how much you enjoyed a restaurant. To help those of you who are bit unhinged when it comes to culinary issues, here is a primer on How to Write A Yelp Review That Doesn’t Make You Sound Like A Crazy Person, in 10 Easy Steps.
1. Remember, brevity is the soul of sanity.
Every time you open Twitter, you are offered dozens of articles from the greatest minds writing today. There are virtual stacks upon virtual stacks of books on your Kindle waiting to be read. Your Netflix queue extends on into infinity. There are any number of things to read besides Yelp reviews; trust us, no one wants to read a Yelp review longer than a paragraph. Whether you're dining experience has left you in absolute euphoria or utter despair, your feelings about the restaurant can probably be distilled into one succinct paragraph. If you're having trouble trimming down your Yelp reviews, I would be happy to edit them for you at the cost of $5 a pop. Feel free to DM me @muddycreekU and we can discuss Pay Pal options. Yes, I consider this a public service.
2. Lower your expectations of your server.
What is it fair to expect from a server? "Bring me my food in a timely fashion" is probably a good place to start. Anything else a waiter does for you is really going above and beyond the call of duty. Did they answer questions about the food? Bonus points. Did they check up on you more than once? Bonus points. See, a server's job is right there in the job title: to serve your food. You may wish they had greater wine knowledge; it may miff you that they failed to memorize your order; you may be upset that they didn't warn you that a dish contained an item stated in the name of the dish. It's okay to have these feelings, but remember, none of these things are actually in their job description. Furthermore, never forget that you are being waited on by a fallible human being and not some culinary pleasure robot who can read your mind and anticipate your every need.
3. Capital letters belong at the beginning of sentences and proper nouns only.
We understand that you're UPSET by the TERRIBLE SERVICE you received from that ASSHOLE WAITER. You should trust that your one-star review and the language you use will communicate this to us. Capitalizing words for emphasis only drives one point home: that you are a crazy person. We read capital letters as yelling, and no one wants to be yelled at while they're trying to find a nice Asian fusion restaurant.
4. Don't make your review all about ambiance.
Though décor and atmosphere are important, that isn't really what people come to Yelp to hear about. We aren't interested in what part of town the restaurant is located in nor do we really give a shit if the music was too loud. If you find yourself complaining about the lighting, the seats, or "the vibe," remember that this is a restaurant and not an apartment open house.
5. Asking for an exception and not getting it is not cause for complaint.
The idea of an exception is that it may or may not be granted based on circumstance. If, for example, the duck is prepared with mushrooms, and you don't want mushrooms, it is okay to request it without mushrooms; it is not okay to complain if your request can't be accommodated. The same goes for any and all additions, substitutions, and special preparation instructions that are not based on allergies. If you know more than the chef, you should have saved money and dined at home.
6. Maximum one exclamation point per review.
"Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." F. Scott Fitzgerald said that. Odds are that he was a better writer than you. Exclamation points come off as sophomoric whenever you use them. If you feel you must deploy this bludgeon of a punctuation mark, understand that each successive exclamation point you use after the first further dulls the effectiveness of those that have come before it. Using more than one exclamation point at the end of the sentence will only serve to let the world know emphatically that you are a little bit unhinged.
7. Avoid ridiculous comparisons.
Compare like to like. Of course, the burger you have at McDonald's isn't going to touch your experience at Umami Burger. A $70 steak is $70 for a reason, and shouldn't really be compared to lesser cuts. The most obnoxious instance of this is people who love to go on and on about how an ethnic food is not "how it was" in the country of origin. If you need to brag about how you've been to Thailand, have some people over and show them a slide show of photos from various brothels. Don't spend your time trashing the Pad Thai down the block for not being as good as what you ate in Bangkok.
8. You aren't reviewing the clientele.
Many Yelp reviews out there offer critiques of the people dining at the restaurants as part of their review. Now not only do the poor restaurant workers have to deal with their asshole customers, but quality guests are going to be driven away by reviews influenced by those asshole customers. Perhaps if you want to warn the public that they are walking into a filthy frat bar or a seedy crack den it is reasonable to discuss the clientele, but one bad apple shouldn't spoil your Yelp review.
9. Save your bigotry for talk radio call-in shows.
Don't subject the citizens of the Internet to your racism, sexism, or homophobia. There are plenty of places online for you to find like-minded bigots; we're sure there are even online dating services that will pair you with the Aryan beauty of your dreams. You can spew hatred with impunity pretty much anywhere else on the Internet; no need to do it here. We're just trying to find out if we should try the cheesecake.
10. Don't make it too personal.
There is plenty of compelling personal essay work being done on Yelp; unfortunately, a restaurant review site isn't a particularly good spot for baring your soul. You don't have to dig too far through search results to find some deeply personal account of how a guy "used to be a regular when Big Mikey was still the bartender" or "misses the old place that used to be here before a chain moved in" or "won't forget what that scumbag manager did to him." No one cares. If the owner stole your girlfriend, great, the odds of him stealing my girlfriend have just gone down exponentially. Please limit personal rants to Facebook. Better yet, blog about it, so the rest of the world can safely ignore it.
