Everything We Learned About Love From Kenny Powers

"People who get close to me tend to get hurt." When you're an untamed maverick like Kenny Powers, you have to let a woman know what getting involved with you might mean. As long as you toss off vague phrases like, "I'm damaged goods," that pretty much means you're in the clear to say and do whatever your want for the duration of the relationship. Haters might try to tell you some b.s. about how you can't just use easy clichés to get yourself out of any situation. Kenny Powers would tell them that they could never understand a free spirit who can't be contained. Let a woman know what they're dealing with, and it won't hurt so bad when you load up your jet ski, throw your hitch nuts on the back of your truck, and head on down the road.

Much of Kenny's time in Mexico is spent soul searching. While south of the border, Powers asks himself the tough questions that absolutely need to be asked. One of the most important issues he wrestles with is whether he is a tits or an ass man. Every man knows this is a hard choice. As Kenny puts it, "It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." Eventually, Powers comes to embrace what he is: a tits man through and through. Once he emerges from his time in the wilderness, he is ready to admit, "There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image—that one image—is your big tits." We all have to make this decision for ourselves at one time or another. Remember, like so much in life, there is no wrong answer, as long as you make a choice.

If you live life like Kenny Powers, you and your lady are going to hit some rocky patches. That's part of the deal. Sometimes, that might be too much for your lady to bear. If your current circumstances are putting your lover in a bad mood, remind her of a simpler time. Sure, Kenny all but abandoned his child to continue his alcohol and drug-fueled party lifestyle in Myrtle Beach, but rather than change his ways, he takes April (Katy Mixon) out on the town to behave like teenagers and forget their problems. "I remember a girl who used to drink whisky and smoke joints in tenth fucking grade and watch me play baseball," he tells her before they shotgun a couple Coors Lights. Next thing you know, they are playing mini-golf, chugging whisky, and picking fist fights. Pepper your life with nights where you forget all of your responsibilities and you won't regret it. The best part is that before you know it, you'll have new memories to reminisce about when things inevitably go to shit all over again.

Nothing lets a woman know that you love her like jealousy. Throughout season 2, Kenny manages to be jealous of men around the woman he's dating and the woman he left behind at the same time. If a man crosses the path of the woman in your life, whether he is her boss, band mate, or landlord, suspect the worst. If you assume that every man you meet is trying to snake their way into your lady's pants, then you'll be prepared for attacks from all sides. If you view every man that crosses your path as an enemy, then you'll never be taken by surprise.

If you aren't reacting to romantic setbacks like this, you're doing it wrong. It's no secret that women respond to a strong man, and that means you need to react strongly no matter how minor the challenges you face. In life, you often don't get what you want. You probably won't be able to do anything about it, at least not directly. That doesn't mean you can't take actions that make you feel better. You may not be able to see how smashing a guitar or throwing a cinder block through a car window is going to fix your problems, but that isn't the point. Senseless destruction will make you feel better, and if you feel better, you'll be in a better position to get what you want.

To succeed in baseball or in life, you have to think outside the box. Kenny Powers loves women, "Every fucking one of them—even the ugly as shit ones." That means that Kenny isn't going to let a little thing like age stand in the way of love, well, unless the law would object. Kenny gets involved with women of all ages on his journey to the dark side. He takes up with a college sophomore (Alex ter Avest) in Season 3, shortly after he nearly gets it on with his much older stepmother Soleded (Marlene Fonte) to pay back his deadbeat father. Sure, his motivations aren't always exactly pure, but that shouldn't mean you can't learn from Kenny's open mind.

Is the love of your life "getting married to some smoothie eating fairy?" It doesn't matter. Words like "fiancée" and trinkets like a wedding ring don't mean a damn thing in the world of Kenny Powers. If you want something, you go and get it no matter what societal red tape might be in your way. This line of thinking is also a good reason to avoid commitments of your own at all costs. All that putting labels on things does is make it more difficult when you find another relationship that would look better with the same label. The only label you need is "awesome."

Crowded clubs, baby showers, college lectures: there is no venue where Kenny Powers feels it is inappropriate to get something off his chest. Sure, almost every time he makes a public address someone pleads with Kenny, "Can we talk about this later?" but the answer is always no. There is no time like the present to discuss the challenges in your relationship in sordid, intimate, graphic detail. In the moment, your lady might be upset if you discuss your sex life in front of her college professor or accuse her of being a bad parent in front of her church group, but don't let that stop you. The sooner you get your feelings out there, the faster everything can be resolved. If you have any questions about how to craft your public address, here's a great place to start.

Kenny Powers doesn't hesitate to tell pretty much everyone about the intimate details of his personal problems. Even when friends try to bore him with their tales of woe, he turns the conversations right back on himself. Though Kenny loves nothing more than to talk about himself, he almost never talks straight with the women in his life. It's OK to compliment their bodies, sure, but you should never let them know the emotional effect they have on you. If you let a woman know how you truly feel, it is only a matter of time before she will use your feelings against you. If you hide your feelings in front of your lady, if you keep them pent up until you can release them at the strip club or on your jet ski, you'll never get hurt.

You abandoned your girl at a gas station? Big deal. You threw a lady off of a jet ski at high speeds? Not your problem. You've repeatedly failed to pay child support? That's between you and Uncle Sam, and it isn't anybody else's damn business. There is no need to apologize, especially if it isn't going to bring you any short term gains. We all know that apologies are an easy way to diffuse the situation in the moment. Who among us hasn't seen a simple "sorry" work wonders? The problem with apologies is that you are admitting you're wrong. You are showing weakness and that can come back to haunt you. Though it might seem like a simple solution to say you're sorry, in the long run, running away from your problems or freaking out in a fit of rage will keep the relationship where you want it. Besides, you don't want to look like a little bitch.

You might be thinking, "Didn't Kenny just teach us that love and apologizing don't mix?" Don't worry grasshopper, you've learned that lesson well. "Sorry" is definitely not a part of the Kenny Powers vocabulary. That being said, if an apology gets you out of a situation you don't like, you can always go back on said apology when your situation changes. Just because you offer up an apology doesn't mean that you can't engage in the same offensive behavior when your situation changes. Get used to offering apologies when they're convenient for you, but remember that you aren't really apologizing for what you've done wrong, you're apologizing because you got caught.

Even if you are as good at living free as Kenny Powers, sometimes your dirty deeds catch up with you. Sometimes you lose a cock fight and sometimes you wake up with an infant in your dojo. Don't despair if the skeletons in your closet or the ghosts from your past come back to haunt you. Responsibility, like all things in life, is temporary. Pay off your gambling debts, strap that baby to the back of your motorcycle, and move on. Eventually, you'll be able to pass off that baby to a relative and steal something valuable to pay your bookie. Until then, make the best of a bad situation. Besides, it's no secret that walking around with a baby in tow pretty much doubles your chances of getting laid.

Believe it or not, things don't always work out for Kenny Powers. Since odds are that you aren't nearly as awesome as The Apache Master himself, they may not always go swimmingly for you either. At the end of season 1, Kenny is presented with a choice. He can either tell his family, friends, and the love of his life that his chance to play ball has evaporated and settle in for a quiet suburban life, or he can run away. Powers takes the road more often travelled and takes his talents all the way to Mexico, far from his problems. If you live like Kenny Powers a.k.a. La Flama Blanca, there is no problem too small to run away from. Maybe you'll come back to face your problems someday, but it's a good idea to build up your strength with booze, hookers, and blow before you face your problems head on.