The 25 Most Ridiculous Romance Novel Covers

One of the strangest moments of being home for the holidays is running into those long-lost family belongings buried in your attic, basement, or garage. You just might find a trove of memorabilia from your youth or your father's hidden porn collection from the '70s (you know, the kind where the women are always laying on bear rugs).

We often find ourselves running across our mother's romance novel collection. We always crack up at the Fabio-esque dude holding up the flowing dress of the maiden as they swing from a rope or look out longingly over the edge of a pirate ship. It seems that since those good old days, romance novels have only gotten more ridiculous.

We spent some time leafing through stacks of books we would otherwise never touch with a 10-foot pole to find you the most ridiculous covers from the literally dozens of romance novel sub-genres that entertain moms all across these great United States. Prepare to get hot and bothered with The 25 Most Ridiculous Romance Novel Covers.

Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU) and Cody Gallagher

Author: Susan Grant
Publisher: HQN Books
Promotional synopsis: "Question: Where's the best place to hide an interstellar fugitive? Answer: Suburbia."

Susan Grant's novel answers the question no one is asking with an answer everyone could have already guessed. According to the online book description, the extraterrestrial hitman's arrival is welcome, as Evie, our heroine, has a fledgling chocolate shop that has been mistaken for a money laundering operation.

While our money laundering operations are often mistaken for artisanal chocolate shops, we've never had it the other way around, so we may just have give this one a read to see how the other half lives.

Author: Monica Burns
Publisher: Berkley Trade
Promotional synopsis: "Lady Ruth Attwood is uncertain whether to be offended or flattered when a younger man makes her an unusual offer."

We can't possibly imagine what that offer might entail. Perhaps it has something to do with the book's title, which subtly consumes half the cover space in 4,000 point font? Whoever said you can't judge a book by its cover obviously never saw this.

Author: Jean Brashear
Publisher: Harlequin
Promotional synopsis: "Grace Winters is the racing world's best-kept secret. And now the secret's out. The up-and-coming chef hopes her newfound celebrity as author of a NASCAR-themed cookbook will give her the financial security she craves. Falling for handsome, much-too-charming playboy Garrett Clark is just a recipe for disaster."

Yes, we are sure that guys who drive really fast cars for a living would be just tittering if they found out the identity of the gal who wrote a "NASCAR-themed cookbook." Also, what is a "NASCAR themed cookbook"? Is it just the menu from Quaker Steak? Or perhaps it has dishes like "Pit Crew Bacon Stuffed Potatoes" or something? Even the dopest of recipes can't be as lucrative as bearing Jeff Gordon's child, right? Great books raise so many questions....

Author: Catherine Mann
Publisher: Harlequin
Promotional synopsis: "Major Hank Renshaw knows almost everything there is to know about Gabrielle Ballard. Except for what it's like to touch her. Because Gabrielle is his best friend's fiancée. Or she was. Until his buddy died in battle—right after making Hank promise to find her.... So now Hank's in New Orleans. In Gabrielle's apartment. Watching her nurse her infant son. It's not honor that draws him to her. It's not duty that makes him stay. It's need he's feeling, plain and simple—the desire to take the woman he's always wanted and finally make her his own."

During our "research," we were amazed at how many romance novels feature babies. We feel like if there were male romance novels, they would be written in a world where condoms never break and conception is almost impossible. We guess that's why they say "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" or whatever. Judging by the distant, contemplative look on this dude's face, we are pretty sure that he agrees with us.

Author: Colleen Faulkner
Publisher: Silhouette
Promotional synopsis: "...Career-girl Elise Montgomery turned to The Husband Finder, a trendy guidebook, to locate [a husband]. Only, according to the manual, her choice—sexy farmer Zane Keaton—was definitely Mr. Wrong!"

We've noticed that romance novels feature very few "unsexy farmers." When we asked our female staffers from the boondocks, however, they assured us that there were plenty of non-sexy farmers out there. That being said, we are down with any book in which the antagonist is a husband-finding manual.

Author: Lorelei James
Publisher: Samhain Publishing
Promotional synopsis: "Getting tangled up with a sexy Wyoming cowboy—and conceiving a baby in the parking lot of a honky-tonk—wasn't in her plan."

This sounds more like the beginning of a Scared Straight video than a romance novel. Anticipating such confusion from the potential buyers, the book's description comes with this warning: "This book contains: no holes barred [pun intended] kinky sex scenes, wicked rope play, blunt language, and yowza! lots of hot cowboy nekkidness [sic]."

Author: Kate Hoffman
Publisher: Harlequin
Promotional synopsis: "Journalist Garrett McCabe became the building's most notorious tenant when he used his newspaper column for bachelors to blast homemaking expert Emily Taylor."

Garret, who we assume is the gentleman pictured, must be the biggest douche of all time, right? Basically, he has the look of every guy who played the awful boyfriend in '80s movies all rolled into one: the hair, the cocky look, the sunglasses. There is even a sailboat in the background.

If that wasn't enough to cement it for you, according to the book's description, Garret has a friend named Tru. Ladies, if your boyfriend has a friend named Tru, you need to get as far away as possible.

Author: Tressie Lockwood
Publisher: Amira Press
Promotional synopsis: "While she works to obtain her degree and runs with the amazing career opportunity that she's been offered, she has to guard her heart from the sexy firefighter that never gave it back in the first place."

Many around the Complex offices felt that the sequel lived up to the literary achievements of the original, but others of us felt that while the same richly drawn characters were present, we couldn't stop ourselves from thinking of the finely detailed, polished prose of the first installment of The Firefighter's Woman.

As of press time, the Pop Culture staff remained hotly divided on the quality of The Firefighter's Woman 2. But, doesn't that say something about the book, that it has got all of us heatedly exchanging our opinions?

Author: Jenny Davis
Publisher: Laurel Leaf
Promotional synopsis: "Working together on a term project for their sex education class, David and Livvie are instructed to care for someone else for the semester...."

That "someone else" isn't each other, as you might expect, but a pregnant neighbor in a violent marriage. Apparently, this book tried to combine teen romance with a morality lesson on the dangers of abusive relationships.... [Ed. note: Jokes redacted for fear of offending everyone but .]

Author: Johanna Hailey
Publisher: Pinnacle
Promotional synopsis: "In a Caribbean tale, an enchanting creature rescues a dashing sea captain from a watery death, and the mysterious mermaid engulfs the raven-haired man in a passionate embrace."

Not only is the cover not aesthetically pleasing, but it is also practically problematic. Judging by the, er, passion, of their embrace, these two are certainly boning, right? How? With the fish bottom customary in mermaids, how do the mechanics work?

Look, we're not asking for a biology lesson, just some discussion of plausibility here.... [Ed. note: For the remaining 30 pages of the author's rant regarding mermaid reproduction, please visit this site.] OK, sorry. Moving on....

Author: Garthia Anderson
Publisher: Love Spell
Promotional synopsis: "With enchanted blood on her carpet, a house full of Merlin-wannabes unable to clean it up, a petulant cat, and houseguests scheduled to arrive momentarily, Petra Field needs a miracle. She gets a wizard, a whole lot of unwanted sparks, and a man-sized hole in the middle of her living room—a hole into which her feline promptly disappears."

If only Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan had starred in an adaptation of this gem. Much like Sleepless in Seattle, this cover makes us nostalgic. The illustration is reminiscent of that old-school "bodice ripper" style of books your mom read while keeping an eye on you during childhood summer vacations—you know, the kind with the man and the woman's lacy tops falling off.

We don't know why Petra is so stressed about the enchanted blood on her carpet, though. Enchanted club soda should get that right out.

Author: Christy English
Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca
Promotional synopsis: "1) Forbid her from riding astride. 2) Hide her dueling sword. 3) Burn all her breeches and buy her silk drawers. 4) Frisk her for hidden daggers. 5) Don't get distracted while frisking her for hidden daggers..."

The title makes it look like this book is a feminist's nightmare, but this retelling of The Taming of the Shrew sounds like it is actually relatively lady-friendly. We still aren't sure why we need a retelling of Shrew, set relatively close to the time period of the original though. Oh, right, the sex. That's what Shakespeare's masterpiece was missing, the sex.

Author: Maureen Smith
Publisher: Harlequin Kimani
Promotional synopsis: "From the moment she walks into Michael Wolf's world-famous restaurant, she's given the VIP treatment. And the sexy celebrity chef's mouth-watering kisses have her eating right out of his hand...and hungry for more."

When we think of celebrity chefs, we usual think of Emeril, Bobby Flay, or Guy Fieri, so pardon us if we don't find this scenario scintillating. Now that all of our parents have forced us to take them to that infamous new addition to Times Square, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, where we obliged to dine on "Guy-Talian Nachos" and "'Awesome' Pretzel Chicken Tenders," we are pretty sure that the only celebrity chef romance stories we are interested in are snuff films.

Author: Shoshanna Evers
Publisher: Self-published
Promotional synopsis: "Ellie's been pushed back in time by her vengeful ex-lover. Now a tribe of frighteningly large, muscular, and very sexy cavemen are holding her captive. And they *all* want a turn."

We checked. No female on Earth finds this scenario appealing. We were going to point out there is nothing romantic about the title either, but one online commenter was quick to clarify that this book "is clearly labeled as not a romance but a gangbang." Duly Noted.

Author: Wanda E. Brunstetter
Publisher: Barbour Publishing
Promotional synopsis: "Melinda believes that all animals should be protected. Melinda's boyfriend, Gabe, enjoys hunting, causing conflict between her and Gabe."

All great romances put substantial obstacles in the way of star-crossed lovers, whether it be warring families, vast socio-economic chasms, or...hunting? OK, so we didn't find this plot point too compelling, but that hasn't stopped Amish Romance from becoming a thing. We aren't sure how to feel about this trend, but we are pretty sure that the Amish would tell us "I do believe it isn't any of your concern, English," and get back to building dope furniture.

Author: Eve Langlais
Publisher: Amira Press
Promotional synopsis: "Warning: Reading this book may find you panting for three werewolves of your own. Please talk to your doctor before attempting the foursome scene portrayed in this book."

There are lots of group sex romantic novels out there. Don't worry though, fellas, it is almost never the kind that you would be interested in. Apparently gangbangs with a three-wolf-to-one-wolfette ratio are law in the werewolf community, which makes us glad, once again, that we are not werewolves.

Author: Angela Knight
Publisher: Berkley
Promotional synopsis: "The last time fairy princess Nineva Morrow engaged in magic, evil forces rendered her an orphan—isolated and incapable of trusting in anyone's survival. But after years of hiding on Earth, she'll use her powers once more—and attract more knights than she can handle."

Our inner-nerd is secretly glad that there is Dungeons and Dragons-style erotica out there. Sure, the storytelling probably isn't on par with The Hobbit, but we would imagine that the events are far sexier. We have not yet found any dwarf-on-hobbit erotica, but our devoted readers will be the first to know when we do.

Author: Susan Edwards
Publisher: Leisure Books
Promotional synopsis: "After losing his wife, Grady vowed never to love again. But the beautiful and wise Star Dreamer tempts him to risk his wounded heart a second time. Their budding relationship faces opposition in a world bound by prejudice."

Say, perhaps, that Pocohantas didn't provide enough Native American-on-frontiersman love action for you. And say that you are able to ignore how deeply problematic portrayals of such relationships can be. Then you might just want to jump into the 12-book White Series.

We haven't crunched the numbers, but there may actually be more pages chronicling the tortured love of Grady and Star Dreamer than there are in The Song of Ice and Fire. That being said, we doubt that this will ever be made into an HBO series. Then again, there is enough nudity in Game of Thrones that this probably wouldn't be too far off-brand.

Author: Eve Langlais
Publisher: Amira Press
Promotional synopsis: "Everyone's heard of the mysterious Moon Ghost Jaguars, supposed shape-shifting men who steal women as their brides. What they forgot to mention was that half naked, ripped ,and oh so delicious, they always came as a pair—and turn into really big freakn' cats! But Carlie's not about to let these furry Tarzans dictate her future, even if they seem to have conquered her body."

That's right, everyone's heard of the Moon Ghost Jaguars. OK, fine, we confess, we haven't heard of the Moon Ghost Jaguars. Oh, they're pairs of shape-shifting were-cats that conduct threesomes under cover of night and take the women to be their brides? Now we see why everyone should have heard of them. Perhaps they need a better publicist? Or a social media intern?

Author: Daisy Harris
Publisher: Siren Publishing
Promotional synopsis: "They say a guy can never be too hung. Well, Harold Jacobs doesn't know who they are, but they're wrong. Socially awkward for as long as he can remember, Harold feels his enormous package is just one more thing to be embarrassed about."

Presented without commentary.

Author: Laura Altom
Publisher: Harlequin
Promotional synopsis: "Cash Buckhorn never thought he'd see Dr. Wren Barnes again, outside of the occasional fantasy anyway. He certainly didn't expect her to appear unannounced on his front porch, six months pregnant with his child."

We think the lesson here is "you can't have it all." You want a book about a bull rider? OK, fair, we can see cowboys as romantic. Bull rider's baby? Weird. Particularly in the context of romance, but everyone wants different things. But, throw Christmas in there and the whole thing becomes rather absurd, don't you think? Even a great cowboy name like "Cash Buckhorn" can't anchor this fantasy even just a little bit in reality.

Author: Aubrey Ross
Publisher: Ellora's Cave
Promotional synopsis: "Determined to save his people from a debilitating mutation, Mal Ton abducts a gifted geneticist and brings her to his war-torn world. Andrea wakes up naked and in the arms of a handsome doctor who claims to be Mal Ton's captive as well. Roark charms and seduces her while Mal Ton overwhelms her senses, awakening needs she didn't realize she possessed."

Sci-fi erotica—now that is something that we can all get behind. We love that even in truly fantastic settings these novels are very careful to make it clear that the protagonist is a strong, career-minded woman, and usually a doctor. We aren't sure how that makes the sex scenes better for the reader, but we are down with empowerment. Whether she chooses Mal Ton or Roark, we respect Andrea's brain just as much as her captive body.

Author: Joey W. Hill
Publisher: Berkley
Promotional synopsis: "Anna is a descendant of the mermaid whose poignant legend is much darker and more complex than the fairy tale. Though tragedy and isolation are her fate, her longing for love compels her to risk her life to protect the fallen Jonah. When Jonah delays his return to the heavens, Anna's secret passions are tempted."

Talk about star-crossed lovers. No creatures can be further apart than a mermaid and an angel. One of them lives in the sky and the other lives in the sea. Don't you get it? This is a doomed romance for the ages. We are talking Hemingway levels of symbolism here, folks. Don't be surprised if you find this bad boy in your lit. seminar syllabus in the next several years. You heard it here first.

Author: Ann Mayburn
Publisher: Ellora's Cave
Promotional synopsis: "Mary has always had a fantasy about a dangerous escaped prisoner kidnapping her and forcing her to sate his brutal, pent-up desires. When she receives an invitation from the IWSS to live that fantasy out in one of their research facilities she jumps at the chance. Now she just has to convince her gentle giant of a husband to take control and make her his willing love slave."

OK, so this book isn't actually about having sex with a prisoner, that would be entirely too plausible. The plot is that the Institute of Women's Sexual Satisfaction (IWSS) has given Mary and her husband the chance to live in their "research facility," where they will simulate conducting an affair wherein he portrays a dangerous prisoner.

Now, we don't want to get political here, but we feel like there might be a better allocation of government funds for scientific research than the IWSS, but then again, perhaps if an Institute of Men's Sexual Satisfaction were created alongside, we would be singing a different tune.

Author: Jayne Ann Krentz
Publisher: Harlequin Temptation
Promotional synopsis: "Anne Silver turns to her ex-CIA agent ex-boyfriend when her brother is very nearly murdered while trying to expose a clever gang of fake psychics. But working side by side with Julian Aries puts more than her life on the line—her heart may just be the first thing to go."

This might seem absurd, be we relate to this book. We've often had issues with gangs of fake psychics. They are harmless mostly, pulling small pranks like hiding our staplers or forcing us into tarot card games of chance, but they are still annoying.

This is why we wish we had a ghost like the silent yet helpful Carlotta (the ghost of the books' title) to help us with our problems. This relatable book deals with so many of those pesky problems that you encounter in your everyday life, which is why we are surprised that the novel is now out of print.