Game of Thrones has taken over. With the HBO juggernaut set to conclude one of the most blockbuster, united viewing experiences the TV medium has ever seen in a mere week, every online publication, magazine, blog, medium and the like is publishing takes, predictions, reflections, etc. like a content fire sale. It's a lot to sift through, a lot of it is redundant, some of it is barely more reputable than Reddit fanfic theorizing. Producing material that has a chance of standing out amidst the fray is the real challenge. Complex threw its hat in the ring in the walk-up to the season premiere with this incredibly nerdy but fun-to-look-at glossary. But we're in the great game now. We have one(!) episode to go and an audience that wants to be engaged in the six days between them, and a jillion other sites publishing the same episode recap.
So instead of me, a day one fan of the series over-prosing my musings on each episode and uselessly projecting where the series might go, I said yes when former Complex employee Zach "P Chopz" Frydenlund jokingly-but-also-seriously volunteered to review the episodes for us. The catch: he, despite being an HBO subscriber who purports to watch good TV, has never, ever seen this series before. He didn't binge any episodes or recap videos in the lead-up. He's going into each episode colder than the Night King. These are Chopz's unfiltered, first-impression thoughts during a live viewing of Season 8, Episode 5, "The Bells." This is the penultimate episode of one of the greatest sagas of all time. But how does it play on its own merit to a Cleveland boy who once asked me what a scanner does and regarded True Detective Season 3 as a bigger event? Let's see.
So I literally just landed from 72 hours in Las Vegas. It’s lowkey a miracle that I even have my computer open right now. As a newly-minted official TV critic, I think I can safely say that this is one of the worst seasons of TV ever—which makes me like it more. I enjoy train wrecks. They left a fucking Starbucks cup in a scene, LMAO. Totally phoning it in. And again, that makes me love it. With that said, two more to go.
[Varys' last stand]
- Opening up the episode with some SNITCHING. Bald headed homie clearly didn’t listen to YG. [Ed Note. Chopz works for Def Jam.]
- Oh, nice of Jon to show up.
- LMAO Varys—is that his name?—is really doing THIS?????
- Just a casual treason conversation on the beach [Varys, Chopz, is the Master of Whisperers, an ode to his gift for conspiracy and secrecy. But I guess this week, as he plotted treason at his queen’s own castle he thought he was really a master whisperer?]
- Why is this Varys guy so eager to overthrow Dany? This show doesn’t make any sense [From the mouth of Philistines]
- She is his Queen, OK Varys. And his aunt. And they banged. Never forget.
- Lmao Tyrion got to SINGING real quick. This episode is a snitch fest.
- I’m trying to see some people die. This is big boring.
- Dickless homie got on that fresh Nike Tech Fleece armor.
- Tyrion just loves snitching.
- Well, fuck. That’s one hell of a way to die. RIP.
- Dany just keeps trying to fuck her nephew. Maybe that’s why people don’t want her to be Queen. Doesn’t seem complicated.
- Dany pro-incest and pro-killing children. Not a good platform to run on, IMO.
- Oh, Jaime betrayed all of them. What a surprise.
[Jon, Tyrion, Arya, The Hound, and co. pull up]
- Arya ain’t ever with the ray tay.
- Tyrion is going to get himself killed LMAO. Why you visiting Jaime, man? [From the mouth of Philistines, pt 2]
- This episode might be my favorite of the season simply because Bran is not in it yet.
[The Last War begins]
- Euron be getting those fits off though. All leather like it’s the 2013 BET Awards. [My son really does stay in the finest En Noir seafaring drip]
- Arya ready to finish this shit.
- At least this battle will be during the day so we can actually see what’s happening.
- Ceresi looking like she’s about to murder all of these fools.
- LMAO Dany brought the dragon in and wrecked shit.
- GREY WORM OUT FOR BLOOD
- This is like if the Warriors played a D3 basketball team. Stop the damn fight.
- CERSEI LOOKS WORRIED
- The dragon is a bit unfair! [And to think, she had two more! She could’ve mopped Cersei up in 10 minutes two seasons ago]
- Ok, Ceresi might be worse at war strategy than Jon Snow. Not a lot of General Custer’s out there. (I believe Custer was good at war, right?) [Have you read about his Last Stand?]
[Those damn titular bells ring and Dany loses her damn mind]
- Ceresi’s army flopped harder than the Rockets.
- Dany got an eye twitch like she’s having a stroke.
- Pretty sure Dany just violated the Geneva Convention. War crimes aren’t cool, SMH.
- GoT promotes war crimes. Let it be noted, folks.
- Grey Worm just went Kawhi on these motherfuckers.
- Very confused about who I should be rooting for right now? Do you root for Team Incest, who are now killing innocent people? That’s where we lie?????
- Jon Snow, back to No. 1 on the power rankings for not being a total asshole like everyone else.
- Jaime vs. Euron for the least likable person battle ever.
- Crying at Euron thinking he’s a king. Bro, you just bagged Cersei out of necessity
[The flight of Queen Cersei]
- So this dude is The Hound? Seems like a badass. [He has...been around literally all season]
- Who is this big motherfucker protecting Cersei?????
- Holy shit, The Hound is fucking people up.
- THEY’RE BROTHERS?????
- TOSSED THAT NERD
- Insert Steph Curry vs. Seth Curry joke.
- For real, this is like Kane vs. Undertaker in ‘98. Someone get them a Hell in the Cell and Jim Ross on the call.
- Not really the time for a family reunion, though.
- Arya about to pop up and kill them both.
- Looked like they were about to start making out, which wouldn’t surprise me. Nasty ass show. [WTF]
- Holy fuck who is this fucking guy [Harder to kill than the Night King LMAO]
- This shit is so predictable. Worst writers ever.
- Jesus, Dany is fucking crazy.
- This big motherfucker about to get signed by the Patriots.
- Twas the only way to kill that big dude. RIP The Hound.
[Arya in the streets]
- They better not kill Arya SMH. How quickly people forget.
- Protecting the common folk. A true leader.
- This tracking shot is nothing compared to True Detective Season 1, Episode 4. Real ones know.
- Cersei said OUR BABY???????? WHAT THE FUCK? Y’all disgust me.
- No RIP for Jaime and Cersei. I stand against incest.
- Arya about to kill everyone. Y’all fucked with the wrong one. [Not everyone. Probably just Dany.]
- Someone cue “Old Town Road.”
OK, so one episode to go (Thank God) and I think it’s very obvious that Sansa will end up on the Throne. Jon, Tyrion, and Arya know that Dany is batshit crazy and Jon doesn’t want it. Sansa about to swoop in and take that shit.
Let me write season 9, HBO. [Honestly, at this point, yeah let Hangover Chopz take the wheel. Can’t get any worse.]