Game of Thrones has taken over. With the HBO juggernaut set to conclude one of the most blockbuster, united viewing experiences the TV medium has ever seen in a mere three weeks, every online publication, magazine, blog, medium and the like is publishing takes, predictions, reflections, etc. like a content fire sale. It's a lot to sift through, a lot of it is redundant, some of it is barely more reputable than Reddit fanfic theorizing. Producing material that has a chance of standing out amidst the fray is the real challenge. Complex threw its hat in the ring in the walk-up to the season premiere with this incredibly nerdy but fun-to-look-at glossary. But we're in the great game now. We have three episodes to go and an audience that wants to be engaged in the six days between them, and a jillion other sites publishing the same episode recap.
So instead of me, a day one fan of the series over-prosing my musings on each episode and uselessly projecting where the series might go, I said yes when former Complex employee Zach "P Chopz" Frydenlund jokingly-but-also-seriously volunteered to review the episodes for us. The catch: he, despite being an HBO subscriber who purports to watch good TV, has never, ever seen this series before. He didn't binge any episodes or recap videos in the lead-up. He's going into each episode colder than the Night King. These are Chopz's unfiltered, first-impression thoughts during a live viewing of Season 8, Episode 3, "The Long Night." Fans who've been riding with this series for years have been waiting for this moment since the pilot. But how does it play on its own merit to a Cleveland boy who once asked me what a scanner does and regarded True Detective Season 3 as a bigger event? Let's see.
[Ed. Note] Avengers: Endgame spoilers abound as well because Chopz, like Chinx, gives a fuck about your feelings.
Tony Stark is dead and a bunch of Game of Thrones characters are apparently about to join him. RIP the GOAT. (Please don’t complain about spoilers. That shit made $1.2 billion dollars. You saw it.) People keep saying shit is about to go down on this damn show so let’s see even though nothing happened the first two episodes of the season.
What I want to see, in order of my happiness:
1. Bran eaten by a dragon almost immediately.
2. The Knight King [Ed Note: Night King, dummy] guy killing everyone so there isn’t an episode 4. This job has drastically cut into my Sunday night viewings of Las Vegas [Yes, he means the NBC "drama" starring James Caan and Fergie's husband. Believe it or not, it actually ran five seasons.]
3. Please no more graphic sex scenes with minors. I beg you. [Maisie Williams is 22 and in-series I'm pretty sure(?) Arya is legal, but you can't blame him for assuming the worst, honestly] You guys shouldn’t be ok with this SMH.
4. Everyone without a dick to die. Put the dickless out of their misery.
5. Bran to die brutally. I REALLY need this.
6. Jon Snow to stop fucking his aunt. That’d be cool.
Also, they apparently spent like $15 million on this battle. Not sure HBO knows how many seasons of Succession—the actual best show on the slate—that could fund. Cousin Greg > Night King.
[The calm before the ice storm]
- Song is growing on me, I can’t lie.
- Sam shaking like Kyle Lowry in a playoff game. Clearly not ready for the moment.
- They keep mentioning the crypt, which is obviously a place where shit will go down. Huge trap.
- Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss, roll Bran's ass out there.
- Legit looks like the worst army ever. They’re about to get mopped up.
- I’ll give them credit. This build-up is fucking intense. Feel like I mainlined some Red Bull.
[Melisandre comes off the bench]
- Who the hell is this lady Witch-doctor person?
- Wow, the North out here cheating with fire blades. Give them an asterisk before this battle even starts.
- I’m amazed. This show is the king of nothing happening. Let’s get this shit going.
- I’m out on this show if the dog [wolf] dies. I’ll give you guys incest and possible teenage love but dead dogs [wolves]? I draw the line. [Who wants to tell him we started this show off with six wolves and Ghost is one of two still standing?]
- Lmaoooooooooooo they got destroyed and we didn’t even get to see it. The dog better have lived SMH. [I promise to tell him the dog is a wolf named Ghost for next week. He'll probably get a kick out of that, it's a pretty badass name for a pet wolf honestly]
- Holy shit. This isn’t even fair. Everybody dying.
[Jon, Dany, Drogon and Rhaegal get in formation]
- Waited a little long to pull out the dragon, miss. These are Steve Kerr like playoff rotations.
- Bran still there, SMH.
- Holy fucking shit. What the fuck is happening. [I was going to ask him for specifics but it's actually funnier sans context]
- They might want to start the level over. This is not going well.
- Samwell playing like JJ Redick in the playoffs.
- Dany and Jon just off doing whatever, huh. Maybe try helping.
- Going to be totally honest, this happening at night is really inconvenient. I can’t see shit. Should have planned for a daytime battle. Like brunch. [And at this moment reader, the Day Ones' viewing experience and Chopz' were one in the same]
- I need more deaths. Kill everyone. Especially Bran.
- Arya just shot her first arrow? Distracted by sex dates rather than battle, IMO.
- What in the hell are they even fighting?
- Battle of the trenches. John Madden would be proud.
- Lady, whatever you’re saying isn’t helping. Maybe pick up a sword.
- NVM, my bad. I underestimated your powers. Way to wait until the last possible minute to assist. Real selfish.
[Theon holds down the godswood]
- Dickless update: Still alive but still without dicks.
- Tyrion basically live-tweeting the battle. Step up to the plate, sir.
- Oh wow, odd time to shoot your shot. Horny fucks.
- Bran Update: Still alive. Sadly.
- Bran Update No. 2: WHAT THE FUCK [Is this the first time Bran warged so far this season? Lmao]
- IS BRAN THE NIGHT KING????????????? I TOLD YOU GUYS TO KILL HIM. WHAT THE FUCK. Jaime should have pushed him out of another window.
- These White Walker characters [Nitpick: White Walkers are the blue-faced guys, the mindless zombies are "wights"] like Steph Curry. Annoying and just keep coming but god damn can they shoot.
- Fucking Bran. I knew it.
- I legit can’t see shit.
- Samwell worthless. Just jump in the fire, bro.
- Where is giant breast milk guy? Hope he’s good. Only real one on this show.
[Wights breach the castle]
- LMAO little girl got murked [Only a sicko newb would laugh at Lyanna Mormont going down]
- Dany and Jon legit worthless. Bill Belichick would have benched them by now like Malcom Butler.
- Damn, RIP, little girl. Took one with her, though. More than Samwell’s punkass can say.
- Night King’s dragon makes Jon and Dany’s look like a Rav-4.
- Night King lowkey got a 3-1 lead right now. This shit is crickets for the North.
- Arya about to go?????? Really a lesson about sex education.
Surprise: the crypts aren't actually safe]
- Shit looking like the "Thriller" video down in the crypt.
- Arya gotta go LeBron game 6 in Boston to get out of this one.
- Tyrion might have a drinking problem. I suggest AA if he makes it out.
- Bran really went Hogan at Bash at the Beach on ‘em SMH. Can’t get over that. I told you guys.
- RIP Beric. Gunned down in his prime.
- Arya really rocking like Bron in Game 7, 2016. Team on her back.
- Witch lady might as well be Grant Hill. Nothing but wasted talent.
- Stop protecting weak ass Bran.
- Night King about to fuck this shit all the way up. More damage than Michael Jordan in Atlantic City.
- What the fuck just happened? Some intense ass dragon fighting going on.
- “I am inevitable” - Thanos but also the Night King. Might start rooting for him.
[The Night King triumphant]
- JON SNOW ABOUT TO DO IT
- He can bring back the dead? Total package. 5-Tool prospect. Night King is definitely atop Mel Kiper’s 2020 mock draft.
- Damn turned the little girl into a zombie. Life (death?) comes at you fast.
- Lol Jon Snow not about to do it. Not really a fair fight. James Harden was right.
- Shocker, the crypt was not safe.
- Dany saving her man, Jon, which is still gross but helpful in the moment.
- Theon should have left Bran’s ass.
- I’m starting to have doubts about Jon Snow’s strategy tendencies. He seems sort of dumb.
- Sansa and Tyrion about to fuck at the absolute worst time?
- This is like the Warriors going on a 20-0 run. Nothing you can do about it.
- Tears for Fears scored this final scene?
[The Night King pulls up]
- Night King walking with that BDE, best entrance since Belly.
- Theon should tell Bran to shut the fuck up.
- Fuck. RIP Theon. Died defending punk ass Bran.
- Is Bran not the Night King? They’re just boys? I’m confused. Feel like I’m still right. [Honestly...we're all a little confused. Not this confused, but Bran this whole episode was a big "HUH?"]
- ARYA WHAT OMG [SAME]
- THAT'S LIKE RAY ALLEN FROM THE CORNER. BANG.
- ITS OVER???? WHAT THE FUCK
- That felt too easy what the fuck.
- (I may have misread Bran but still, fuck him)
Go(A)T Rankings Update:
1. Arya - What a fucking badass. Is her man still alive? She deserves some action.
2. Tyrion - Drank his way through a battle while not actually doing anything
3. Jon Snow - Fell in the rankings due to performance. Put up a respectable line but not very efficient.
99. Bran - He still fucking sucks.
Final thoughts: So what the fuck just happened? Arya is a fucking legend. What happens now? There’s more war? Let’s talk about the Night King, though. He just blew a 3-1 lead. Incredible. I gasped.
Predictions for next week:
- Arya gets lucky because she deserves that shit. Give her the iron throne and all that
- Jon Snow makes some terrible decisions
- Samwell cries some more
- More people die. Y'all overestimated the deaths this week. RIP Theon, though. Dickless army down to 1.
- Bran gets dropped off a cliff.
Holy fuck, that was intense. Feel like I need to take a shower. See you next week.