Imagine for a moment the stupidest thing you’ve done while intoxicated (because none of us is without his sins). Was it attempting to fly a plane while loaded? Could it be drunkenly patrolling your hood on a riding lawn mower? Or was it sneaking into a zoo after hours with the alleged intention of petting a massive cat — more specifically, a tiger? Chances are probably not because common sense (even under the influence) would generally remind you that tigers do not, you know, want to be pet or whatever.
But evidently anything is possible in Nebraska.
The Associated Press reports a 33-year-old woman and a friend forewent the timeworn tradition of trick-or-treating on Halloween in favor of breaking into Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium. The suspect, identified by the Omaha Police Department as Jacqueline Eide, reportedly reached into the enclosure of an 18-year-old Malayan tiger named Mai to pet it. Mai was obviously having no part of being touched by a drunk person and mauled Eide's hand.
Eide’s friend then transported her to the Creighton University Medical Center, where police caught up with her. A press statement released by the OPD reports Eide was “aggressive toward staff and showed signs of intoxication of alcohol and/or drugs.” The statement added that she’s being cited for Criminal Trespass and was still in the hospital's care as of yesterday.
This statement from the Omaha Zoo said it’s taking the matter very seriously and that additional security measures are being added to prevent other intoxicated people from petting its caged animals. “The safety and security of our guests and animals are always a priority at Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium,” said a spokesman.
Let this be a lesson to all of us: Malayan tigers have absolutely no chill.