Unfortunately, for so many women, every day they step outside is considered an invitation by some men to speak to them as if they've only discovered women and erections seconds prior. Even worse is the new reality that these same parasites have since carried over their thirsty ways to social media-- spurring so many women to shout out "Can I live?" in horror. Though I can't do the Lord's work,  (i.e. instantly make the penises of the guilty parties fall off) I can at the very least inform you folks how not to hit on someone online. Grab your sippy cups and settle down. I'm here to help. You're welcome.

Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinter. Follow him at @youngsinick.