In the so-bad-it's-good Nurse 3D (in theaters today), Paz de la Huerta barely seems human.
Yes, she's made of flesh and blood, namely, which she shows off any chance she gets playing a sexually charged nurse/serial killer who gruesomely offs married men who cheat on their spouses. And those are English-language words coming out of her mouth, not some unintelligible alien dialect. But every line spoken by her character, Abby Russell, might as well be Klingon. With even more vapidness than she displayed throughout the first two seasons of HBO's Boardwalk Empire, de la Huerta delivers all of her unabashedly tongue-in-cheek dialogue (mostly heard in voiceover narration) as if she's reading off sloppily written cue cards while strung out on Valium. Abby Russell is a human slow-motion machine.
And guess what? Because of that, Nurse 3D is a blast. It's the kind of self-aware trash you'd find playing on cable TV after midnight as a kid, complete with unnecessary shots of disrobed women and perverted conversations. Had director Doug Aarniokoski given the lead role to a lively actress with Oscar talent, and have her utter the same exact lines and carry out the same ludicrous actions, his sleazy exploitation flick would have been insufferable.
The central plot is straight out of an old Skinamax movie starring the likes of Julie Strain or Shannon Tweed: When Abby isn't killing cheating bastards, she's obsessing over her hospital's beautiful new, younger nurse, Danni (played by 30 Rock alum Katrina Bowden).
To give you a sampling of Nurse 3D's ridiculousness, here's a small collection of Paz de la Huerta's craziest dialogue—completely out of context. If the makers of Nurse 3D couldn't be bothered with logic, why should we?
Not since Freddy Krueger has a homicidal maniac given the world so many quotables:
"My name is Abigail Russell. I look like a slut, but don't be fooled—this is merely a disguise to lure the dangerous predators who walk among us. This is their jungle, their breeding ground, and tonight I am on the hunt. These are the cheaters, the married, lying scum. They are like diseased cells cultured in alcoholic petri dishes that destroy unsuspecting families and infect millions of innocent vaginas. There is no cure for the married cock—only me, the nurse."
"As I watched Danni's little round ass, the same one that I'd eaten the night before, prior to finger-fucking her to six orgasms, I saw those tacky, $10 flowers from dickless little Steve, I couldn't control myself. Fuck him. Fuck her. I'm not some fuck-toy to be played with and tossed aside."
"As I watched the monster about to die, I knew I'd done the right thing. It was a perfect jumping-off point, the very thing for me and Danni to build on. I felt a new beginning. There was actually moisture trickling down my leg. [The car gets smashed by a speeding truck.] Larry made me cum after all."
"So, here are your choices. We can gouge your cheating eyes out, or do we cut out your heart? That is, assuming you have one. Let's get rid of Mr. Weenie, so he can't cheat on Mrs. Whiny anymore. And, by the way, Mr. Weenie is looking very teeny right now."
BONUS: And now, here's a brief exchange between Katrina Bowden's character and the film's requisite cop, played by Boris Kodjoe. Yes, someone actually wrote this:
Detective Rogen: "Why would Larry inject himself with a paralytic drug?"
Danni: "He wouldn't, it paralyzes you."
Come on, how can you not love Nurse 3D?
Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)