Author: Martin Amis
Participants: John Self, Butch Beausoleil
Worst Line(s): "If I glance downwards, like so, and retract my gut, I can see her valentine card and the mysterious trail of her cleft, like the inside of a halved apple. Now do you believe me? Wait: here comes her hand, idling slantways down her rump, ten bucks of manicure on each fingertip. Why she seems to be...Wow. Selina herself doesn't do that too often. And I bet not even Selina does it on the first date."

Oh, a valentine card—guess that's not doing it for readers because it immediately conjures memories of valentine's day card exchanges with the entire class in third grade.