3. DON’T Masturbate Anywhere

Here's what you're thinking: at some point, it'll be necessary to sneak into the bathroom, or her little brother’s room, or the garage, to polish the pewter. Don't do this. Anyone who has ever seen a movie or a television show can tell you that you WILL BE CAUGHT. Take it from There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, American Pie II, American Pie: The Naked Mile, Serial Mom, Tommy Boy, Not Another Teen Movie, Scary Movie, You, Me and Dupree, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Slackers, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, Friends, Seinfeld, Married… with Children, Eight Simple Rules, Extras, Modern Family, Gossip Girl, and That 70s Show. (Thanks to tvtropes.org for the exhaustive list.)

Pro Tip: If worst comes to worst, drive over to a local gas station bathroom for a self-abuse session. Also, if said gas station has a glory hole, let the pros handle it.