2. DON’T Talk Religion or Politics

The older generations skew to the right, and your young, liberal, urban ways may not play well with the simple folk from America's boring-ass parts. So, refuse, loudly, to discuss any blue state/red state noise. If the parental units persist, loudly quote from Take Care or describe, in detail, Niki Minaj’s ass—these are things generally agreed upon as being good and proper, and no one would dare stop you for speaking about them.

Pro Tip: While you probably look at the sexy times with your lady religiously, they are not actually religious experiences, and are, therefore, fair game. Maybe segue into how your girl arches her back at this beautiful angle when you hit it from the back right after you discuss how much money her parents make and the failures of your girlfriend’s older brother. He's a drug addict, and everyone knows it.