Last week, a 29-year-old gamer from San Jose, California served up lawsuits against both Microsoft and Nintendo and also appealed his previously dismissed case against Sony. Apparently, homie has a host of actionable grievances: he was banned from the PlayStation Network for hateful comments, his Wii update won't let him use certain programs, and he just doesn't like red rings. First of all—fuck red rings for real! We've got his back on that one. But we're not so sure he's got a leg to stand on in his other lawsuits. He's suing because they've interfered with his "pursuit of happiness"? FOH, fam.

His cases aren't totally settled yet, but if previous video-game lawsuits through the years are any indication, it's not looking so good. We went back to the archives to play judge on some of history's most ridiculous video game lawsuits (we're coming after you, Judge Judy). Check out after the jump to read our verdict on the cases...

<!--more-->URI Geller VS. Kadabra (Pokemon)

CASE: URI GELLER VS. NINTENDO (2000)
CLAIMS MADE: Uri Geller, spoon bending psycho psychic, sued Nintendo for 100 million dollars. Geller claimed that the Pokemon character Kadabra looked a little too much like him and stated that the Japanese spelling of the character's name was also very close to his.
REAL VERDICT: The case was tossed out of court.
COMPLEX VERDICT: Doggie, that's a Pokemon—you're a level hundred moron.

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Deee-Lite VS. Space Channel

CASE: LADY MISS KIER (DEEE- LITE) VS. SEGA (2003)
CLAIMS MADE: Deee-Lite's Lady Miss Kier claimed that Sega's Ulala of Space Channel 5 is somehow based on her image.
REAL VERDICT: The court decided there was no likeness between her and Ulala.
COMPLEX VERDICT: Deee-Lite rolls with Q-Tip, so we feel for her. Gotta try and get your money somehow, right?

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grandtheftauto3

CASE: PARENTS VS. ROCKSTAR GAMES (2003)
CLAIMS MADE:Over the years, plenty of teenagers and parents have blamed Grand Theft Auto III for drive-by shootings, cop murders, pedestrian murders, and any other felonious fuckery you could find in the game. As a result, Rockstar Games has been sued more times then Borat.
REAL VERDICT: Various settlements and dismissals have been made. Some cases are still pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT:You're saying a video game made your kid steal a car and kill people? We'd like to call denial, but we can't deny that video games do have effects. The last time we played Cooking Mama, we sautéed the shit out of some shit.

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hotcoffeegrandtheftauto

CASE: GRANDMA VS. GRAND THEFT AUTO (HOT COFFEE) (2006)
CLAIMS MADE: Florence Cohen, an 85-year-old grandmother, sued Rockstar Games for false advertising. She claimed that she wouldn't have bought the game for her 13-year-old grandson had she known of the sex scene gamers could unlock with the "Hot Coffee" mod.
REAL VERDICT: Rockstar discontinued the version of the game that included the scene.
COMPLEX VERDICT:So no sex, but you're cool with gang violence, general assault, car thefts, boat thefts, plane thefts, murders, hookers, the murder of hookers, cheating, lying, stealing, profanity, and drug use? At least your grandson has someone looking out for him!

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French Flag VS. Second life

CASE: FAMILLES DE FRANCE VS. SECOND LIFE (2007)
CLAIMS MADE: The soccer moms of France claim that the "Adult Products" featured in failed messiah of teh interwebs Second Life are too easy for minors to obtain and are tainting their innocent children.
REAL VERDICT: Still pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT: If your kid buys a dildo and a gag ball in their Second Life, you should probably be worried about what's going on in their first life.

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Tifa Lockheart VS. IVY

CASE: SQUARE ENIX VS. IVY (2007)
CLAIMS MADE: Square Enix sued Korean pop star Ivy because the music video for her song "Temptation of Sonata" looked way too much like a fight scene in their movie Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.
REAL VERDICT: The video company Fantom, the video director, and the company director have been fined more than $20,000 USD.
COMPLEX VERDICT: Peep the vid here, it's practically identical. We've got love for Korean women, but that's straight larceny.

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spyro

CASE: MOM VS. SPYRO THE DRAGON (2007)
CLAIMS MADE: One New York mother claimed that the PS2 title Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly induced seizures in her infant son. She seeks guap in damages, despite a warning label saying hat seizures could occur in a small number of gamers.
REAL VERDICT: Still pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT: We want our money back, too: Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly sucks. Guilty!

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xbox-360-versions

CASE: XBOX LIVE BANS MODDERS (2009)
CLAIMS MADE: Microsoft lowered the banhammer on gamers with modded 360 consoles from XBOX LIVE the day that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is released. The gamers feel that the company is violating their natural rights.
REAL VERDICT: Still pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT: While we can sympathize with our fellow gamers, suing a company because you can't waste days of your life on the couch playing online multiplayer is a bit, well, played. You don't see us suing the government for making weed illegal, do you?

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blindman vs playstation

CASE: STERN VS. SONY ONLINE ENTERTAINMENT (2009)
CLAIMS MADE: Alex Stern, a visually impaired gamer, is suing SOE because their system doesn't accommodate his disability. He's spent a bunch of money buying items for the game Everquest (which he could do himself if he could see the items) and has tried to communicate with the company via email and letters, but nothing has been done yet. All he seems to want is his money back and more games that appeal to the blind.
REAL VERDICT: Still Pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT: We feel bad, but at least you've got justice (and Fury) on your side.

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Courtney Love VS. Kurt Cobain

CASE: COURTNEY LOVE VS. ACTIVISION (2009)
CLAIMS MADE: It's not an official lawsuit yet so much as it is Courtney Love going nuts on her Twitter feed about her late husband's likeness being used in Guitar Hero 5. When she does "sue the shit out of Activision," she's probably out for deformation of character.
REAL VERDICT: Still pending.
COMPLEX VERDICT: Courtney Love has been committing defamation of character on herself since the '90s. Besides, who doesn't want to play as Kurt Cobain?

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