Sunday is the 81st Annual Academy Awards and Ayo! Scott will definitely have his finger on the pulse of his little golden buddy (masturbating while he watches his picks take home all the hardware).
While Ayo!'s writing tool is fresh on your mind, allow him to present his picks for all the categories you actually give a shit about (sorry, sound mixers, but you can probably still cash in on some professional 'tang at the couple after-parties you get into). Drum roll, please. And the award goes to...
AYO! SCOTT'S 2009 ACADEMY AWARDS PICKS
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ayo! Picks: Slumdog Millionaire. Ayo! doesn't have anything against Brad Pitt, Tricky Dick, gay rights or punishing Nazis for the Holocaust, but he would really like to have something against Freida Pinto. (His junk.)
-David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
-Gus Van Sant, Milk
-Stephen Daldry, The Reader
-Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Ayo! Picks: David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Using a series of midgets with digital effects masks on to play Benjamin Button, Fincher was able to give Brad Pitt top billing without needing to actually have him around, constantly cock blocking with his chiseled good looks. Movie magic!
-Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
-Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
-Sean Penn, Milk
-Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Ayo! Picks: Sean Penn, Milk. A broken down has-been like Rourke can get an Oscar for "playing" a broken down has-been when Ayo! gets an award for "playing" a well hung critic who deep dicks half of Hollywood (the female half) and still manages to be objective in his insightful reviews.
-Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
-Angelina Jolie, Changeling
-Melissa Leo, Frozen River
-Meryl Streep, Doubt
-Kate Winslet, The Reader
Ayo! Picks: Kate Winslet, The Reader. It's about time that the Academy recognized the fine work done by Winslet's twos. Trust Ayo! on this. Twos are his areola of expertise.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
-Josh Brolin, Milk
-Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
-Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
-Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
-Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road
Ayo! Picks: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight. His Joker was unique and unforgettable. Plus, dead people give much shorter acceptance speeches.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
-Amy Adams, Doubt
-PenÃƒÂ©lope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
-Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
-Viola Davis, Doubt
Ayo! Picks: Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler. Even if she hadn't played the hottest aging stripper the big screen has ever seen, she made Ayo! believe she was actually attracted to the bruised asshole that is Mickey Rourke's face.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
-Kung Fu Panda
Ayo! Picks: WALL-E. Normally, Ayo! wouldn't even comment on this category, seeing as he's still protesting the exclusion of hentai, but any "children's" movie that starts out so bleakly and depressingly that it can make kids cry is a winner with Ayo! "Shoulda Worn A Rubber" Scott.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
-The Baader Meinhof Complex, Germany
-The Class, France
-Waltz with Bashir, Israel
Ayo! Picks: Waltz with Bashir, Israel. As much as Ayo! dislikes all funny smelling foreigners peddling their wares in the United States of Freedom, he dislikes being bombed to oblivion for offending Israel even more.
-The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)
-Encounters at the End of the World
-Man on Wire
-Trouble the Water
Ayo! Picks: Man on Wire. The only way this story about a French wire walker who walked a wire in between the roofs of the Twin Towers for nearly an hour in the 1970s could be any crazier is if Mel Gibson had bankrolled it.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
-The Dark Knight, Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
-Iron Man, John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan
Ayo! Picks: Iron Man, John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan. The only thing Iron Man's effects geniuses failed to do was transform tight, sexless, cave wench Gwyneth Paltrow into something Ayo! would
have sex with enjoy having sex with.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
-Doubt, Written by John Patrick Shanley
-Frost/Nixon, Screenplay by Peter Morgan
-The Reader, Screenplay by David Hare
-Slumdog Millionaire, Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy
Ayo! Picks: Nobody. Unfortunately, Ayo! didn't write any of these films, which explains why they all suck. Keep it on the low, but you can look forward to a new script from Ayo! in 2009. It's a tragicomedy about a mildly retarded albino midget pole dancer who stumbles onto a plot to kill the mayor of Duluth, Minnesota. Brad Pitt and a cast of female midgets are already in negotiations to play the lead role.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
-Frozen River, Written by Courtney Hunt
-Happy-Go-Lucky, Written by Mike Leigh
-In Bruges, Written by Martin McDonagh
-Milk, Written by Dustin Lance Black
-WALL-E, Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter
Ayo! Picks: Nobody. See previous pick.
-Changeling, Tom Stern
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Claudio Miranda
-The Dark Knight, Wally Pfister
-The Reader, Chris Menges and Roger Deakins
-Slumdog Millionaire, Anthony Dod Mantle
Ayo! Picks: Slumdog Millionaire, Anthony Dod Mantle. Mantle filmed in the middle of Mumbai's slums without getting his equipment jacked, but Ayo!'s sure the rest of these dudes had some rough times too, what with the shoddy movie studio air conditioning and the inconsistent quality of craft service fruit salad.
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Greg Cannom
-The Dark Knight, John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O'Sullivan
-Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz
Ayo! Picks: The Dark Knight, John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O'Sullivan. The next time a million people dress up like Benjamin Button for Halloween, do holler.