1.
Every holiday season, itās the same shitāfamily and friends gather around and catch up about average lives while indulging in food and drink. We exchange gifts and make small talk. Someone gets too drunk and makes an inappropriate joke. Aunt Ruth gets depressed because sheās still single. You ask her how that guy she was seeing is. Heās dead. Things get awkward. You drink more.
But for celebrities, the holiday season is much more entertaining. Here are some snippets of overheard conversations from Drake, Bieber, BeyoncƩ, Grimes, and others.
Drake
āThis isā¦ itāsā¦ well, itās the same gift I got my ex seven years ago, except I got the baby blue one. When I handed it to her, I said, āFor you, baby blue.ā She giggled and tickled me a little. I laughed too hard and snorted a little. I was embarrassed, so I got upset. āYou know I hate being tickled!ā I screamed at her as I threw down the wrapping paper and bow. But I donāt hate being tickled. Who hates being tickled? I was just mad because I hate it when I snort. From that day on, she never tickled me again. Thatās how I knew things would never work out.ā
BeyoncƩ
Itās December 23. Solange walks in the door of her apartment holding Trader Joeās bags in each hand. BeyoncĆ© and dozens of close friends and family jump up from behind counters and furniture: āSURPRISE!!!ā
Solange: [Smiling, surprised] What is this?
BeyoncĆ©: Itās Christmas! Surprise! I just decided to change Christmas to the 23rd. I didnāt even tell anyone. Itās just like, āVoilĆ , itās Christmas, bitches!ā
Kanye West
āKim, put on the red and white dress I got you. Then tell Travis Scott and James Blake to check their mail and put on the little outfits I got them. Iām not gonna tell them to cut off their legs, butā¦ well, tell them that the shorter they can make themselves, the better. Also, have someone call all the local malls around here and tell them to cancel their Santa plans. Iām gonna go eat the rest of these turkeys because I still need to put on some weight. Is the car back from the shop yet with those changes I asked for? Did the trailer from Canada arrive in the yard today? Oh, and sign in to my Twitter account and just tweet: āBLKKK SNTA IS COMING.ā
Wiz Khalifa
On December 28:
āMerry Christmas hahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahah.ā
Odd Future
Tyler, The Creator: āThis Year For Christmas, We Arenāt Giving Each Other Shit. Gifts Are Fucking Stupid Because You Always Get Dumb Shit You Never Need Like Fucking Ties Or Socks Or Some Shit. Instead This Year Iām Getting Each Of You A Beat I Made With Pharrell.ā
Earl: āThatās kinda sus tho Tyler. We both already put out an album, I donāt need any more beats. Why canāt you just get me a video game or something?ā
Tyler: āBECAUSE IāM A FUCKING ARTIST AND I GIVE REAL ARTIST GIFTS.ā
Tyler takes a breath.
Tyler: Fine, You Donāt Want These God Damn Beats? Iāll Give Them To āYe. Heās Got Kris Jenner Callin Me Every God Damn Day Asking For My Beats. Fuck You Guys.ā
Grimes
Grimes opens up her computer and logs onto Tumblr.
i was pretty sure that we had already had christmas but then james told me that today was christmas and my mind was genuinely blown. time has kind of been an aspect of my life that i havenāt been paying much attention to. between the new beyonce album and joining Roc Nation (aka basically cementing the fact that beyonce and i are now somehow sisters i think) everything has been such a blur. anways just wanted to say merry christmas to everyone.
***ps, there is definitely still a ghost in our new house. i got it a Casper dvd for christmas to show it what kind of friendship we could have and that i come in peace. james thinks this is a stupid idea but james has also never seen casper himself so what does he know.
Young Thug
Phone rings. Thug doesnāt even look at the caller ID before answering. Itās all the same to him.
Young Thug:
āHappy HOLLY-OLLY-OLLY-OLLY-OLLY-OLLY-OLLY-idays!ā
Gucci Mane:
āWhat in tha fuck u jus said Thug?ā
Young Thug:
āMERRY-ARRY-ERRY-ARRRY-ERRRY-ARRY-ERRY-ARRY Christmas!ā
Gucci Mane:
āDammit Thug I aināt got time for this. Where tha fuck Waka? Guwop needs his money.ā
Young Thug:
āFALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAā
Gucci Mane hangs up in frustration and then immediately opens up his Twitter app.
āYUNGTHUG FUCKIN WIT. GUWOP ON CHRISTMAS. YUNGTHUG OUT. OF 1017 BRICKSQUAD. ANY1 WANT,, YUNGTHUG PAY GUWOP. XMAS..ā
Arcade Fire
Regine is sitting down near the tree with a present in her hand. She looks around then glances at her watch. She sighs when she sees what time it is.
āWin! Come on! Letās open gifts itās already one in the afternoon!ā
Win enters the room wearing his paper mache mask. Regine rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
āNo, Winājust no. Enough is enough. Take it off now. I didnāt like it when we wore it on TV appearances, I hated it when we wore it in the āReflektorā video, and now itās just straight up creepy that youāre wearing it like no big deal in our home, on Christmas. No, this ends now. Take it off.ā
Migos
āI canāt believe all we got was god damn Versace. Like sure, itās our hit song and thatās what everyone knows us by, but come on manāyouād think our own family would be a little more creative you know? Like they been knowing us since before the song. They know we like more than JUST Versace. Itās fucking offensive to be honest.ā
āYea, agreed. I asked for simple things, like a gift certificate to Home Depot because Iām trying to redo my bathroom. And a new fishing pole. Thatās it! I didnāt ask for no Versace belts or Versace cologne. Fuck man! Ayo, we GOTTA put out a new song with a new hook. Maybe something about Home Depot. This shit is getting ridiculous, seriously.ā
Justin Bieber
Justin sits down to the computer. Heās had a few Yoo-hooās so he isnāt thinking clearly. High off sugar and chocolate he begins to type.
[Out loud while typing] āMy beloved beliebers Iām officially retiringāhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaā
Justin falls off his chair laughing. Lil Twist runs in, alarmed.
āJustin, damn you ok man?ā Twist asks. āBro, why u on the floor? Whatās so funny? Come on tell me man! Tell me! Seriously why you on the floor? You need me down there too? I mean Iāll get down there itās not a big deal or anything.ā
Justin takes a deep breath and composes himself.
āOkay, okay Iāll tell you. I just tweeted that Iām retiring! HAHAHAHAHA! I canāt man, I just canāt. Iām so effing funny. Like Iām hilarious. Do you think I should also do comedy? HAHAHAHAHAH! Retiring! Me! Iām so effing famous! Like the most famous person alive besides maybe Will Smith or David Hasselhoff or something. Iām NEVER effing retiring. JUSTIN BIEBER IS FOREVER. Now, get me my monkey and another Yoo-hoo.ā