2. Pretty Ricky from “Playhouse”
I'll be your Mexican lover bangin’ up your piñata/I'll be your French lover got weewee for your c double o chie
It’s usually best to stay away from sloppy references to nationality. When you tell us what “Mexican” people do, or what “French” people do, it usually ends up being dumb. And when you talk about being someone’s Mexican lover and banging up their piñata, it becomes doubly so. The image of a blindfolded person whacking around like a drunken lunatic before finally destroying a cardboard animal is not something most people want in the bedroom. It sounds like horrible sex form.
And weewee? Stop.
6. Led Zeppelin from “The Lemon Song”
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg/The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right out of bed
Fruit and sex have been “romantically linked” since the dawn of human agriculture, but when you get into fruit metaphors, things can get goofy in a heartbeat. Such is the case for Led Zeppelin in their 1969 (heehee) cut “The Lemon Song.” Lemons are not a sexy fruit. And the thought of someone’s bodily fluids metaphorically being straight lemon juice makes me involuntarily make a face like—well, like I’m eating a lemon.
And what is the lemon in this case? His penis? Usually when I’m going for a sex metaphor I choose a fruit and/or vegetable that’s a bit more phallic, but hey, when you’re getting laid as much as Led Zeppelin, I guess you can choose any fruit in the book. At least we can all be thankful they limited the sex acts the lemon engages in to “squeezing.” I don’t really want to hear about the rest of the night.
10. Lil' Wayne from “Karate Chop (Remix)”
Beat that pussy up like Emmett Till
Beating the pussy up is a trope. Many rappers have, at one point or another, claimed they beat the pussy up like X, Y, or Z. It’s a hyper-masculine showing of sexual dominance, and it’s just not that sexy. I did an impromptu survey of a few female friends, and guess what, none of them find it particularly sexy when a guy tells them he’s going to beat their pussy up.
If beating someone up isn’t sexy in the abstract, I think we can all guess how sexy a reference to the murder of a 14-year-old boy is. Let’s leave it at that.
12. Still Trill Christians from “No Sex”
I don’t want your body/I don’t need your body/Long as I got Christ, I don’t need nobody
Waiting can be sexy. In fact, delayed sexual gratification has produced some of the hottest erotic art of all time. But for a song about “no sex” to be sexy, there still has to be that desire.
No one wants to hear that you don’t want their body, or that as long as you have Christ you don’t need nobody. What’s the point of making the song then? Look, Still Trill Christians, no one is knocking you for being religious. We are, however, knocking you for not knowing the basics of how to spit Christian game. I suggest the Twilight series if you want to see how it’s done.
14. Kanye West from “I’m In It”
Eatin' Asian pussy, all I need was sweet and sour sauce
This might the laziest one of them all. Who was the audience for this? Dudes who sit around like HAR HAR “Asian pussy” HAR HAR “sweet and sour sauce is Asian.” Maybe Kanye heard Drake say, “Shout out to Asian girls, let the lights dim some,” and was like I need that... but worse. Mission accomplished.
16. Trey Songz from “Grub On”
Will you be my IHOP baby?/Can I place my order?/The food in here is crazy/Twenty-four hours/'Round the clock you open
In “Grub On” Trey Songz shows the perils of an extended metaphor. He sets the stage well. He is hungry after a night at the club, but not the type of hunger that can be satiated by a cheesesteak. He needs that sexual food. That's fine.
The issue is that Trey Songz commits so wholeheartedly to having the entire world of the song be contained in this metaphor, that it becomes too convoluted to be at all sexy. At one point he talks about bringing home a doggy bag of the food. What the hell does that mean in real life, Trey? But the most hilarious part of the song is simply contained in the phrase “the food in here is crazy.” True.
20. 14-year-old Justin Bieber from a freestyle
How would you like to take a look at my face/Isn’t it pretty? But so is my cannon
Cannon is a bold metaphor for a penis. Unfortunately, when a 14-year-old Bieber is rapping about his cannon, it comes across as uncomfortable. And the juxtaposition of cannon with “pretty” makes it even weirder.
I want desperately to believe that I’m somehow misreading a gun metaphor as a sex metaphor, but later when Justin says picking up girls is a piece of cake because of his cannon, I have to believe he’s talking about his penis.
22. Marvin Sease from “Candy Licker”
Now, here's another advantage Jody has on your husband. The husband have to work, to pay the bills, baby. But check it out. Jody ain't got no job, baby. Jody ain't got no bills. While your husband is on his job, thinking about the bills, heh. You know where Jody is, girl? Jody's at your house, givin' you a thrill. And I'm Jody.
“Candy Licker” is a song with an incredibly noble message: shaming men who refuse to give women head. For this alone, Marvin Sease is a humanitarian extraordinaire and probably should be given a medal. If at least one man was convinced by this song to drop the masculine posturing of refusing to go down on a girl, then this is just one more instance of music making the world a better place. That said, there are points where Marvin’s alter-ego “Jody” starts talking a little crazy.
Let’s look at the advantages “Jody” says he has over “your husband.” You husband has to work and pay the bills. Jody doesn’t. So while your husband is off making money to support the family, Jody can come around and, presumably, give you oral sex. But wait, why doesn’t Jody have a job or bills again? Where did you meet Jody? Sneaking around can be hot, but with Jody coming across as a sex-crazed homeless drifter, it seems like you might want to choose someone else for your extramarital affair.
24. 98 Degrees from “Microphone”
Hey Lady, grab the microphone/And Say, Do Re Me Fa Soo/Yeah baby, you're warmed up and ready to blow
There is hardly anything more depressing in this world than a boy band trying to claw back at relevance. You can feel them trying too hard before they even release any material. And then they do desperate things like make creepy microphone sex references to convince everyone they’ve still got it.
Look, the main problem with the microphone metaphor is the logistics. Even though you’re telling some imaginary woman what she’s going to do with the microphone (presumably your penis), you’re the one actually holding a microphone. You’re the musician. You’re singing into the microphone at the very moment you’re recording. So in this wacky world of microphone sex, are you passing her the microphone when you’re done pleasuring it? And when you say “we can be a two-piece band” does that mean you’re both doing weird sexual things to this microphone at the same time? How does the microphone feel about this?
26. R. Kelly from “Sex Planet”
Girl, I promise this will be painless, painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus, anus
Uranus has the word “anus” in it. Every 5-year-old in the world is gleefully aware of this fact. Apparently so is R. Kelly. But what R. Kelly seems to not understand is that a schoolyard pun is not something that lends itself to sexiness. I’d venture to say the vast majority of times someone uses the “uranus/anus” pun it’s not that hot. Call me crazy. Even the word “anus” by itself is hard to make sexy. And what’s with the whole painless bit? Cringe.
28. Fergie from “My Humps”
My hump, my hump, my hump/My hump, my hump, my hump/My lovely lady lumps
You’d think the prize for most unappealing references to breasts would come from a guy, but no, Fergie takes the cake. First off, “hump” isn’t a sexy word. It conjures up images of a camel making its way through the desert, and camels are (for most people) not an aphrodisiac. It’s also confusing that the title of the song refers to “humps” in the plural, but the song refers to “hump” in the singular. It makes me not 100% sure I even know what body part Fergie is talking about.
But that’s not even the worst part. That dubious honor goes to the inclusion of “lovely lady lumps,” specifically the word “lumps.” Lumps is a word most famous for being associated with breast exams that check for cancer. Breast cancer is not something you want to be evoking in a song that is in any way sexual. That shouldn’t even be up for debate.
32. Red Hot Chili Peppers from “Sir Psycho Sexy”
Deep inside the garden of Eden/Standing there with my hard on bleedin'/There’s a devil in my dick and some demons in my semen
Anthony, why is your penis bleeding? Anthony, are you okay? Anthony, seriously, why is your penis bleeding? What in the Garden of Eden could possibly make your penis bleed? Does it always bleed when you have a hard on? Oh, it’s because of the demons in your semen? Okay. You might want to get that checked out though.
34. Lil’ Wayne from “With You”
Shawty badder than a three-year-old/Keep playing and I'mma eat her like a pita roll
Why don’t we make a blanket rule and just say never reference a child when you’re talking about how sexy a woman is. I get that three-year-olds are bad (although isn’t it the “terrible twos,” you missed a chance there, Wayne). But just because something technically works as wordplay doesn’t mean it doesn’t carry disturbing connotations. And half-continuing the child theme into the next line with “playing” before busting out the pita sandwich image (kind of gross anyway) solidifies its unsexiness.