Dear Illuminati,
I am writing you on behalf of the Youtube Comment Commission. We’ve noticed a few troubling trends in the modern music industry that we would like to bring to your attention.
First and foremost, I am concerned with the decreasing level of talent and showmanship displayed by modern musicians. Our team has run several empirical studies and surveys, establishing the fact that music today is inferior to that of the past in both quality and substance. To empirically break down the logic we used to arrive at these conclusions, I will compare Justin Bieber to John Lennon. Justin Bieber is a talentless hack who sings love songs for a bunch of little girls. John Lennon was a brilliant rebel who sang love songs for the masses. Bieber is a violent brat, Lennon was a saint. I have cited my sources below.
2.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on rap “music” (if you even count that as music). Rappers today are awful “people” (if you even count them as people). Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and the rest of Young Money Trash Money are ruining rap and plaguing society altogether (if you even count them as sentient beings and not just projections of a collective racial profile). It’s all violent, drug-induced garbage. Thank God we still have Eminem keeping true, original hip–hop alive.
Now disregard everything I just said, because rappers today are too soft. Drake the type of dude to hop in the shower and cry and say something girly, or whatever. No sir, rap is all about being real. So if you want to rap, swallow your feelings like a real man. Nowadays, more and more talented conscious, female, LBGT, and non-normative emcees are building up big audiences. With your help, we can put a stop to it.
This last message goes out to all of the amazing indie artists that finally made it big after years of grinding: Fuck off. You betrayed my trust and I can never love you again. I gave you my heart and soul when all we had was each other and what did you do? You turned around and signed a deal with the first major label that batted an eyelash at you. I hope you have fun recording in nicer studios, having more resources, playing to bigger audiences, and having more money for promotion. Really, have a ball, asshole.
That is why the music industry has gone to shit. I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves.
Sincerely,
The YouTube Comment Committee
P.S. Peep my mixtape below, it’s sort of like Eminem mixed with The Beatles but with more punk energy. I worked on it for a super long time and my mom totally thought it was dope. Thank you!!!!
