Cooking Up MF DOOM's Food References in the P&P Test Kitchen

I'm back.

Weird, right? We don't know when Action Bronson will be releasing a new project (and no, Romanian Waitresses isn't actually a thing), so what the hell am I cooking in the kitchen? Well, though Bronson does it well, he's not the only one who mentions delectable dishes in his raps.

On the suggestion of a friend, I've decided to take on MF DOOM's eats-themed MM..FOOD. The masked villain may not be a chef like Bronson, but he certainly seems to know a thing or two about food, so here I am, cooking up some shit based on DOOM's suggestions. Here are food references from MM..FOOD cooked up in the Pigeons & Planes test kitchen. Enjoy.

Oh, and I have a food Instagram thing if you wanted to keep up with my food adventures.

Song: "Hoe Cakes"

Ingredients: Cornmeal, flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, corn oil, honey, butter, buttermilk, egg

What, you really think I could pass on something called "hoe cakes"? I really am that immature, but also, the thing about MF DOOM is that none of his songs contain very direct food references (unlike Action Bronson), so we definitely couldn't pass up on these delectable pancakes. Yeah, sorry to disappoint. Hoe cakes are really just pancakes, and not a bunch of naked ladies on cake. I mean, yeah—I guess it could be that too. But no, I'm not going to "make" that, whatever that would entail.

Also known as Johnnycakes, they're essentially cornmeal pancakes, and are popular in the southern states. The reasons as to why they are better than pancakes are as follows:

1. Pancakes suck. They soak up all of your syrup, and end up becoming this mushy mess. It looks like shit. You're better than that.

2. Waffles > pancakes.

3. Hoe cakes are made out of cornmeal. Cornmeal makes things crunchy.

Execution is simple: combine all of the ingredients—save the honey and butter, which will be used to top 'em hoes—and whisk until smooth. Heat your frying pan over medium-high heat with some butter. Once it's hot enough, take about 1/3 cup of batter (one serving per each hoe cake) and gently pour into the pan. You're going to be tempted to flip it, but don't act a fool: the longer you leave the hoe cake on the hot pan, the crispier its exterior—worth it. Once the edges brown and the batter bubbles, you're ready to flip. Leave the hoe cake on the pan for the same amount of time, adding more butter to the pan when needed (butter burns, guys, so don't set off your fire alarm like I so gracefully did... three times in a row). Stack that shit mile-high on plate, and top with a slab of butter and some honey.

Now you have your brunch staple. It's substantially more forgiving than pancakes, especially when you flip (nothing is worse than flipping a pancake, only to break it up completely into little awkward cooked and raw bits—nah, fuck that noise). So gather your friends, invite them over for Sunday brunch, and throw some DOOM on. He would approve.

Song: "Potholderz"

Ingredients: Molasses, butter, brown sugar, flour, egg, salt, sugar

I'm not sure what shoo pie is, so I had to assume that DOOM was actually referring to shoofly pie, a molasses pie common to the Pennsylvania Dutch and popular in Southern cuisine. It's essentially exactly what it sounds like: pie, made out of molasses. What is molasses, you ask? You know that viscous, dark, almost snotty looking stuff that ginger molasses cookie recipes ask for? Yeah, that. It's a by-product yielded during the refining of things into sugar. As to why it looks and smells so gross, I can't say. It's certainly an acquired taste.

So. Pie. To start, you make the bottom pie crust (i.e. you only need crust for the bottom; the top will be some brown sugar streussel-like topping). Combine flour, sugar, and salt together. Then cut up frozen (or just really, really cold) cubes of butter and cut the butter into the dry mixture. This means that you are combining the butter with the dry shit, without compromising the butter's cold temperature. You need it to stay cold so that when you pop the crust into the often, the pockets of butter almost "fry" up, which is where the flakiness comes from. This can be done using a pastry blender, or two knives (the latter is a pain in the ass, FYI). Slowly add ice water to the crumbly butter/flour/salt/sugar mixture until the dough comes together. Press dough into a disc, wrap it in plastic wrap, and throw it into the fridge for an hour.

Roll out the dough until it's 1/8 inch thick, and place into a pie dish. Cut off all the overhang (i.e. pie crust dough that hangs over your pie dish), and using a fork, poke holes into the dough. Pop into the oven for 8-10 minutes at 425 degrees F, until it's a light golden brown. Cool completely.

In the meantime (because you're efficient), put baking soda in a bowl, then pour hot water over it. Add molasses, egg, and vanilla to the mixture, and whisk. And THAT'S IT. That's the filling. It's, like, 90% molasses. If you don't like molasses, now is a good time to quit. (I don't like molasses; I couldn't quit.) Pour this icky looking substance into your cooled, prepared pie crust, and top that with the brown sugar streussel mix. Oh, you haven't made that yet?

Combine brown sugar with flour. Now spread that shit over the molasses mixture. Some of it will sink, but that's okay—you're going to be putting a lot of that shit on top of the pie. Bake for 40-45 minutes, remove from oven, and cool completely on a cooling (duh) rack.

I hate to say it, but I hated this. Like, molasses is what tequila is to me: people say there is a flavor to it if you really taste for it, but for fuck's sake, it's just bitter, and it makes me feel weird (the tequila, not the molasses). Think of molasses as the Drake of the food world. It's polarizing. A lot of people swear by it, but it's too sugary for some, and those to whom it's too sugary, they really fucking hate it. I give this two Drakes out of 10.

Song: "Beef Rapp"

Ingredients: Flour, water, egg, salt, scallions ("green onions"), prepared marinaded beef shank in five-spice, hoisin, chili oil

Open up your horizons, little ones. Learn how to make dishes part of a cuisine that you are not familiar with. I say this, but the funny thing is that beef wraps are an Asian dish, yet Asian food—Chinese cuisine, in particular—intimidates the fuck out of me. I grew up with my grandmother's cooking, and every time I asked her about recipes, she'd tell me to get out of the kitchen. All I can do is respect her request, because let's face it, my grandma is a goddamn queen.

Okay, so beef wraps. Beef wraps are comprised of marinated beef shank, green onions, and hoisin sauce, wrapped in a green onion pancake. Green onion pancakes are exactly what they sound like, so yes, Doom inspired me to make not just one, but two pancake things for this feature. To make green onion pancakes from scratch, you just need some flour, water, oil, and green onions. Combine flour with water, and when a dough forms, coat the ball of dough in oil and let it rest for half an hour.

Separate the ball of dough into smaller balls (heheeee), and set them aside. Roll out one ball at a time (this shit'll be sticky, so make sure your rolling pin and the surface on which you're rolling it out are well floured) until you're at about 1/8 inch thick. Coat that with a thin layer of oil, then sprinkle with finely sliced green onions. What happens next is a little bit confusing, so hang in there.

Roll up the dough into a little cigar. Make sure all of that oniony goodness is tucked in. Still with me? Good, so you're not stupid. Roll that green onion dough cigar into what, I guess, could be described as a snail shell, or a cinnamon bun. Lay that down flat, and roll it out again with your rolling pin. All of that green onion is now forever fused with the dough. Repeat.

In a hot, generously oiled pan, fry each of the pancakes, around three minutes per side. Once cooked, arrange slices of marinated beef shank (available at any Asian supermarket), green onion, and hoisin sauce down the center of the pancake. Roll up (no, not roll out), cut into h'or d'oeuvre-sized portions, and secure with a toothpick (if necessary).

Beef rap isn't necessarily the same thing as beef wrap, but imagine a world where rappers resolve all their issues over snack foods instead of rap beef. Like, how beautiful would that be? Lil B would be the ruler of that world (duh), and he'd host amazing dinner parties where anyone beefing would reconcile over beef tartare and beef bourguignon. This could probably be one of my Miss America answers.

A girl can dream. Sigh.

Song: "Hoe Cakes"

Ingredients: Ground veal, ground pork, milk, dry red wine, fresh pasta (fetuccinne, linguine, or whatever suits your fancy), tomato paste, carrots, onion, celery, garlic, pancetta (or thick cut bacon, because bacon)

If I were to die tomorrow, and I was asked what I wanted my last meal to be, I'd probably say pasta of some sort. Lasagna, ravioli, gnocchi, farfalle—I love it all. There are fewer things more satisfying than a hearty bowl of carbs. Before I continue and write a softcore porn about pasta, let's familiarize ourselves with ragu. "Ragu" has been popularized by the abomination that is whatever tangy ass shit that brand carries. It's a boring, bland tomato sauce that literally just tastes like watered down ketchup (no offense, Ragu, but I still stand by this even if this means I'm blowing P&P's chance to be sponsored by y'all). I am fully, 100%, "fuck-this-I'd-rather-eat-pasta-by-itself" against store-bought pasta sauce. Because of my holier-than-Ragu attitude, I am forced to make my own.

Ragu is a part of Italian cuisine (duh), it's meat-based, and it's served with pasta. The recipe I used calls for a pound of veal and pork each, which is what I used. But really, you can use whatever sort of meat you like—two pounds of pork instead of one, two pounds of veal, duck, lamb, woolly mammoth meat because they're nearly extinct and you're ballin' out of your ass... all fair game. To start, chop up some carrots, onions, and celery. The three in combination is known as a mirepoux, and acts as the base of many French and Italian dishes. 

Cook, stirring occasionally, until carrots and celery bits are soft, and the onions are translucent. Then, add the meat and pancetta (otherwise known as Italian bacon) to the pan until the meat is browned. Make sure you stir continuously/break up the meat so your pasta sauce isn't too chunky (unless if you like that, but I'm just sayin'—you're doing it wrong). Add tomato paste, milk, and wine (take a sip, or a couple) into the pan. Simmer the concoction on medium-low heat for about an hour and a half. The longer you let it simmer, the more intense the flavors will be. Add some salt and pepper (according to taste, of course), and take it off the heat.

Put whatever type of pasta you plan on using in a saucepan, and douse it with the bolognese. You want to coat that shit with as much sauce as possible. To finish, grate some parmesan cheese (any other type of sharp hard cheeses would do), and garnish with parsley. Et voilà: pasta sauce, not out of a jar, because you are not a fucking neanderthal, and Viktor Vaughn wouldn't want you to be one either.

Song: "Kon Queso"

Ingredients: whole wheat couscous, carrots, celery, tomato paste, turmeric, cinnamon, coriander, onion, chicken stock, chick peas, currants/cranberries/dried pitted prunes (whatever you'd like in the form of dried fruit, really), mint, slivered almonds, spinach, cauliflower, lemon juice, garlic, ginger

You know how people say that you have got to be completely useless if you can't make Kraft Dinner? Well, the thing is, Kraft Dinner can be difficult to make if you're bad at following instructions. I get that. Couscous, alternatively, is actually something that is impossible to fuck up. It's always 2:1, couscous to hot liquid. All you have to do is close the lid on the couscous/hot liquid, and wait. That's it. Then you pick at it with a fork. So for all of those who are completely challenged in the kitchen, here's a couscous recipe. If you fuck this up, then I'm sorry—you are just a fuck up. It's okay though, you probably have some redeeming qualities.

Couscous is a staple in North Africa, namely in Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, and Mauritania. It's their carb, and it's often served with some sort of meat or vegetable, usually a stew. To start, place your garlic and ginger in a hot oiled pot and let it cook until it's soft. Then, add sliced onions, turmeric, cinnamon, and coriander, cooking until onions are tender. Add tomato paste. Pour chicken stock into the mix, along with diced carrots and celery. When the celery's softened, add chick peas, cauliflower, and cranberries (or whatever). Once everything's tender, add spinach and lemon juice, and stir that shit up until the spinach has wilted.

While that's cooking, prepare your couscous. 2:1, couscous to liquid. Cover the pot that you've got your couscous in and leave it for at about five minutes. "Fluff" the couscous with a fork, then spoon it onto a plate. Create a little well in the middle of that, and add your vegetable mixture in the center of it.

I don't know, DOOM. This wasn't my first time, but I don't feel like I would've frowned if it was. Having said that, I had to cook for a baseball player who was staying at the house of the place I was dogsitting at earlier in the month. I made him couscous, and he jeered the shit out of it. He didn't know what couscous was, and thought they were fish eggs (or something). Maybe he was listening to "Kon Queso" a lot. Maybe.

Song: "Kon Queso"

Ingredients: Flour, salt, curry powder, margarine, onion, ground beef, thyme, ground allspice, bread crumbs, chicken stock, egg

I've never been to Jamaica, and I've only been to one Jamaican restaurant, once. As one of the few Jamaican restaurants in my city (Vancouver), the place's reputation precedes itself—the shit sucked, and I paid too much for it. So when MF DOOM name-drops a Jamaican staple (beef patty), I see it as a sign. If I can't get good Jamaican food, why not make my own, right?

First, prepare the dough for them patties. Sift together flour, curry powder, and salt. Once combined, add the butter until the mixture is crumbly, similar to the pie crust you made (you made that pie, right?) for shoofly pie. Sparingly add cold water until a dough comes together, and once it does, separate into tennis-sized balls, and roll those out to roughly 1/8-inch thick. Cover with a damp cloth as you prepare the meat filling.

In a pan, sauté onions with butter until it's translucent. Add ground beef—letting it sear on one side and then breaking it up, ensuring that it's broken up into little bits of beef—salt, pepper, curry powder, and thyme to the pan and stir well. Once the meat is browned (i.e. cooked), add breadcrumbs and chicken stock. Cover the pan for 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally. All that liquid should be evaporated before you fill the dough with the meat mixture (roughly 2-3 tablespoons). Moisten (ew, this word) the edges of the dough with water, fold the meatless side over, and pinch the edges to seal with a fork. Brush some egg over the little Hot Pocket-looking things so that when they come out of the oven (400°F, 30-40 minutes), they'll be a beautiful golden brown.

In the event that you don't have enough money to visit Jamaica (my case), this could very well be your closest thing to it (also my case). Traditionally, beef patties are served with something called coco bread, which, misleadingly enough, does not contain either cocoa or coconut. In any case, these turned out great. I used only shortening as opposed to a mix of butter and shortening, and this resulted in an outrageously flaky crust for the savory, spicy meat filling. Plus, I had some hot sauce my friend brought back for me from Jamaica with it, so that worked out nicely. Really, though—that scotch bonnet hot sauce means fucking business. I stupidly let the hot sauce come into direct contact with the side of my mouth, and I can't feel my lips right now. Halp.

Song: "Kookies"

Ingredients: Shredded sweetened coconut, soft caramel chews, flour, sugar, baking soda, bittersweet chocolate, salt, butter

Sugary food is my vice. While some snack on almonds, I'll be cradling a Costco-sized bucket of sour keys, because, you know, why wouldn't I? I'm particularly fond of cookies, though. I could probably down a box of Oreos faster than Busta Rhymes can rap. The thing is, though, that while we also have Girl Scouts in Canada, their cookie selection is... well, quite frankly, kind of pathetic. Understanding that only American Girl Scouts sell Samoas/Caramel deLites, and realizing what exactly what they were (caramel, chocolate, and a sugar cookie base), I couldn't not carry out baking these.

Disclaimer: These were as tedious as fuck to make, but every single cookie (all two and a half dozen of them) was worth it. To start, you bake sugar cookies. Sugar cookies are the basic bitches of the cookie world. They are the big ol' duhs, and they are brilliant in this way because you can do whatever you like to them. If you can think it, you can do it. Cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy (like a wonderfully sweet, fatty cloud, for those who are visual learners). Separately combine and mix flour, baking powder, and salt, and slowly add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture. Add milk and vanilla, blend, careful not to over-mix, until the dough comes together. Separate dough into two mounds and flatten into disks, wrap it up in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for an hour.

Then comes the fun (but mildly frustrating) part. Roll out the dough evenly until it's about 1/8-inch thick, and cut out rings. I, for some bizarre reason, don't have any round cookie cutters, so I used a glass and the lid of a Kikkoman bottle. Whatever works.

Transfer the cookies onto a parchment paper-lined baking sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes at 350ºF until they're a pale golden brown color. Cool cookies on a wire wrack.

We're not done yet, kids. Now you get to make the coconut caramel topping (which you will eat with your bare hands, I assure you). Bake the shredded coconut at 350ºF, stirring frequently to prevent burning (because this will burn up quickly). Cool completely. Then, melt caramels, milk, and salt in the microwave (or a bain-marie if you're fancy as fuck). Once full melted, combine 3/4 of the caramel mixture with the coconut. Eat.

Just kidding, don't eat it. Or at least not all of it. Spread the remaining 1/4 of the caramel on the cookies. This will act as glue for your cookie/caramel coconut mixture. Press the caramel coconut mixture onto the cookies, and set aside. Dip the bottom of each cookie into the melted chocolate (which you already melted, right? You haven't? C'mon), and let them cool on a wax paper-lined baking sheet. To make 'em look real nice, drizzle the cookies with the remainder of the chocolate. You know, with a fork. Get Jackson Pollock on 'em.

If you're from America, you can probably avoid taking on this tedious-as-fuck recipe and just buy your own, but I can assure you that if you take the time to make them, it will be worth it. Besides, don't Girl Scouts only sell cookies once a year? I think so. I mean, I was a girl scout once.

Song: "Kookies"

Ingredients: Cocoa powder, cake flour, salt, baking powder, instant coffee, eggs (yolks and eggs separated), sugar, butter, shortening, marshmallow creme, vanilla, icing sugar, heavy cream, dark chocolate

If you've scanned all of these recipes and didn't think any of them were challenging enough, then a) fuck you—I worked my ass off, and b) here you are. Lord knows what Little Debbie puts in her snack cakes, so chances are, as with most things, it might be best to just make your own. Of course, why the hell would you make "snack" cakes, when you can have a full swiss roll cake to yourself? Leave moderation to the health nuts.

Swiss roll cake is essentially what it sounds like: a cake, usually a genoise (read: Italian sponge) cake, rolled up. The reason as to why these cakes are so light is because you're to whip the egg whites separately and gently fold them into the rest of the batter. When you whip something, you aerate it, and when that bakes, those little pockets of air remain. So. Spray your sheet pan (or any cookie sheet with a rim) with Pam or coat it with shortening, and line the bottom with parchment paper. This is crucial, because this cake will get stuck to your pan otherwise. Sift together cocoa, flour, salt, baking powder, and instant coffee, and set aside. Then, whip your egg whites (note: separate your egg whites from your yolks using your hand. The whites will fall out from between your fingers if you gently wiggle your fingers) until soft peaks form. Soft peaks just mean that your eggs whites look like soft serve. Any stiffer, your cake will not turn out (insert penis joke here).

In yet another bowl, combine egg yolks and sugar, and whisk until the mixture is pale in color. Then, combine with the dry ingredients. Don't worry, you didn't fuck up; it's supposed to be near impossible to stir. Slowly fold in half of the egg whites to the stiff batter. Once incorporated, add the rest. The more you stir, the denser your cake will be, and while there is a time and place for a dense cake, this is neither of those things, so don't over mix.

Pour the batter into the prepared sheet pan, and bake it for 6-8 minutes. You're welcome to touch the cake in order to judge if it's done; it should spring back, spongey in texture. No, the cake will not be too hot for a quick poke. Also, don't be a pussy. Remove the cake from the oven and let it cool for a few minutes. Then, cover the pan with a tea towel, and flip the entire pan over. Pull off the parchment paper, and roll the pan up. Be very careful, as I mean, yeah, you can conceal most cracks with frosting, but why fuck up when you can not fuck up? So be careful. You can do it. Let it chill out for 20 minutes.

Time for the filling. Whip butter, shortening, marshmallow creme, vanilla, and salt until combined, and then slowly add the icing sugar. Spread that shit over the cooled, unrolled genoise cake, and then immediately roll it back up. Now your little chocolate marshmallow doobie is ready to be bathed in chocolate ganache.

To make chocolate ganache, which is just a fancy word for melted chocolate with heavy cream, you literally just heat up heavy cream and pour it over chopped up chunks of chocolate. Stir it up until it's smooth, and slowly pour over your chocolate marshmallow doob (which should be placed over a cooling rack, over a cookie sheet for the sake of easy clean-up). Shit will get really pornographic at this point. You may feel your heart beginning to race. Your mouth will become dry at the thought of that chocolate ganache touching your lips. God forbid that you listen to R. Kelly at the same time, because things are going to get messy if you do.

Anyway. You're more than welcome to pour another layer over top once your first layer cools, but I personally just ended up eating the rest of the ganache with a spoon (it was a really sad moment in my life, and I don't think we need to dwell on it). Slice, serve, consume.

The lyrics from DOOM's "Kookies" relate sex and snacks, and that's a pretty good connection here, because anything that involves chocolate ganache is very sexy and borderline pornographic. So if you get your kicks from sweets and chocolate, make this swiss cake roll. No one will judge what you're going to do with it (I don't think).