The Adventures of Kanye West & Sheba The Elephant

By Confusion & Katie Kelly

When we put together a post on artists Kanye West should sign, we imagined what it would be like if Kanye signed an elephant to G.O.O.D. Music. In this post we take things further—perhaps too far. In fact, much too far. This is what happens after Kanye signs the elephant. These are the adventures of Kanye West and Sheba the elephant.

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When Kanye West first signed Sheba, the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Aside from a few cock-ish haters who called it a publicity stunt, most people thought it was hilariously entertaining or next-level inspiring. More than anything, it seemed like a statement, although nobody seemed to know exactly what it meant. Like, when Kanye wore that kilt or the Yeti mask, that was performance art right? Like, it meant something in some larger context, correct? If nothing else, it was cool. And it's not really even worth arguing about: signing an elephant to G.O.O.D. Music was fucking cool.

But after a few weeks, things started to get real. It was no longer, "Ohhh shit, Kanye signed a damn elephant!"

It's 10 p.m. and the Clique is sitting in the studio. Kid Cudi and 2 Chainz stand in opposite corners with headphones on. Common is drinking green tea and writing in a notepad. Big Sean is doing the same, but his tea cup has three tea bags in it and as he scribbles he is mouthing "boiiii" and "swerve" and other various sounds and it becomes clear that he's just trying to come up with a new adlib. Eventually he settles on "cunt!" Later, labels executives would hold a very private meeting to let Sean know that this wasn't a good idea. They recommended "yip!" instead. Sean didn't object.

All of a sudden, everyone stops what they're doing and looks up and toward the door. Even through the padded walls of the studio, you could hear the unmistakable trumpeting of an elephant.

"Is 'Ye really gonna bring that damn elephant in here again?"

Pusha T was not happy. His face was all scrunched up like a floppy bean bag cushion. "Man, that elephant fucked up the studio last time, how're we supposed to work on my new album with this damn elephant marching around in here? Man, fuck this damn elephant! Can't 'Ye get a goddamn pet dog or a goddamn pet fish? Shit, be all trend-setter-y and get a goddamn koala, I don't give a fuck! Can't we get some work done for once instead of goddamn Sheba coming in here, shitting all over the place, breaking everything with her stomping ass elephant feet!?"

Kanye walks in through the modified doors (he had a wall knocked down) big enough for an elephant. He's holding a leash. Attached to it is Sheba, an African elephant that stands 8 feet tall and weighs 5,500 pounds. She moves slowly and calmly, but her eyes appear on-edge and nervous; it's as if she knows that a beast of her size and strength doesn't belong in a recording studio.

Pusha jumps up and runs to the door. "Kanye! Sheba! Welcome!"

He high fives Kanye and goes for a chest-bump but Kanye turns his entire body to the side and makes a disappointed face. "You know I don't chest-bump, man."

"I know, I know. Maybe one day!" Pusha says with a smile. He walks over to Sheba and goes in for an eskimo kiss. He leans in toward the end of Sheba's trunk, but when she whips her long, grey appendage away he goes for her mouth. Sheba sneezes on Pusha. He sheepishly laughs while 'Ye and Sheba calmly walk away toward the rest of the crew.

"Ay."

"Peace."

"Swerve!"

"Truu!"

The crew greets Kanye and Sheba with respect. "How's it haaaaangin', my mammal?" 2 Chainz says, looking over the top of his shades at Sheba. He stares at her for a minute or so, like he expects her to respond. She stares through him, so he turns his attention to Kanye. Kanye stares through him also.

"So, I got this idea," Kanye exclaims. "I wanna make Pusha T's album. But instead of Pusha T rapping, I want it to be all Sheba samples. Like, yeah, they know that we got the trumpet, but Sheba makes all kinds of noises. Hey yo Sheba, do that snoring noise you was doing the other day!"

Sheba is still staring at the wall behind 2 Chainz. She doesn't respond to Kanye's request.

"Ah, she shy as hell!" Kanye laughs as he slaps Sheba leathery, rotund midsection. The Clique laughs.

For the next six months, Kanye brought Sheba to the studio every day. He recorded her grunts, moans, trumpets, and sneezes. Still not happy, Kanye's mind started to wander—he started to approach that thin line between creative genius and crazy. Desperately trying to push the boundaries, he began to record Sheba's farts. He recorded the sound of Sheba urinating and defecating. Then one day, Kanye snapped.

"Why we been here five months and we still don't have a Sheba album? We're missing something. There's something in this elephant that we're just not getting. We gotta try something new. AYOOOO Mr. Hudson! Get inside Sheba. I wanna see what Sheba sounds like from the inside."

"Get inside of Sheba? Kanye, that's crazy, you don't really want me to actually enter this elephant's body. That's just..."

At this point, Mr. Hudson had already walked over to Sheba, crouched down, spread her elephant vagina open, and started looking around. Before he finished his sentence, he was already inside of Sheba. He reached an arm out and you could hear him mumbling from inside Sheba's massive body.

"iiiiiiiivvvv eeeeeeee thaaaaa miiiiirrrroofffoo!!"

"What? We can't understand you, Mr. Hudson!" shouted the Clique.

Mr. Hudson stuck his head out, his bright blonde hair stuck to his head and drenched with fluids. "The microphone! Give me the microphone!"

Kanye grabbed a mic and placed it in Hudson's hand. Hudson retreated back inside. The following hours involved an ambulance, a $15,000 fine, and three broken bones. Kid Cudi cried twice, one recording studio employee quit, and Common said "What the fuck?" ten times.

Weeks later, in an interview, Kanye would say that this was the best recording session he's ever been a part of. Mr. Hudson and Sheba felt differently about it. The Clique never talked about this night again, and the recording sessions of Sheba's first album remain a dark chapter in the story of Kanye West and the G.O.O.D. Music collective.

They say that elephants never forget, but what Sheba experienced that night—the Clique all agreed—is best forgotten.

Kanye was feeling good. He had a solid crew, a hot girlfriend, the first two seasons of Pretty Little Liars on DVD, and of course, he had Sheba. He allowed himself to get used to this sense of contentment, a feeling that he was always aware of but could never quite grasp. Life hadn't always been easy or kind to him, though admittedly he understood he had brought much of that on himself, but 2013 was going to be different. This was the year Kanye would add another title to his growing roster of pseudonyms: father.

After months of anticipation, the day had finally come. It had seemed like only yesterday that he and Kim had announced their pregnancy, but here they were just mere hours from the birth of their child. Everyone was on edge with excitement. Kris, his future mother in law, already had the baby's publicist draft seven different statements, a stylist pull 84 different outfits (2 of which for the baby, 5 for Kim, 77 for Ye himself) and organized 9 magazine covers, including a special deal with J-14 to have the baby be the youngest star to grace their "Hott 100" cover ever.

"There ain't no way Ye's gonna name the damn baby 2 Teeth, fool. You're a damn fool, I can't even believe I let Cudi talk me into switching shifts with him." Pusha T argued with 2 Chainz while they hung out in the waiting room. As part of their contracts, the whole GOOD Music crew was obligated to stay with Kanye throughout the ordeal. They didn't mind though, anything was better than the "Bubble Baths and Soapnet Sundays" clause Birdman put in the YMCMB contracts. Drake tried to joke that they "only watched the GOOD Soapnet shows" but they knew. They'd be stuck watching 7th Heaven all night.

"What do you think they gonna name the baby then Sean?" 2 Chainz asked.

"Boii"

"Nah, what they gonna NAME the baby, not what sex you think da baby is"

"Boii"

"I swear, it's like Sean some short bus motherfucka sometimes. SEAN what u think da baby NAME gonna be?"

"Oh, God!"

They all began to object, then stopped and looked at each other and shrugged. It actually was a pretty plausible choice. Just then they were interrupted by a thumping noise that sounded like Shrek was running down the hall.

"THE BAAABBBYYY ALMOST HEEEERE!" Kim's sister Khloe yelled. The crew was startled. They all ran around unsure what to do because it was then that they suddenly realized Kanye was nowhere to be found.

"What da FUCK! Where Yeezy at man! Fuck, if Yeezy misses this, I don’t wanna even know what that fam's gonna do, you know?" They all frantically searched for a white dove to contact Kanye (he, in a moment of zen in India, no longer wanted to have a cell phone and would only respond to messages via a white dove).

Then, almost out of nowhere, the doors opened. Kanye had arrived—but he wasn't alone, and upon seeing his guest, the crew knelt as he walked by.

"WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?! AND WHERE THE FUCK IS KIM'S DOCTOR!?" Kris yelled.

"Don't worry, I sent him home. I have a better idea." It was then that Kanye stepped aside to reveal his guest: Sheba.

"What the ACTUAL fuck?" Kris was furious.

"Sheba and I have been training. You may think elephants are clumsy and rough, but she's extremely gentle—this trunk is full of nerve endings. She's already delivered 3 of her own kids."

"SOMEONE DELIVER THE BABY I DON’T CARE WHO!" Kim screamed. Kanye nodded to Sheba and placed a face mask on her large elephant face.

9 hours and 38 minutes later, KimYe was born. Doctors would go on to call it one of the most technically challenging and scientifically beautiful births they'd ever seen. But Kim and Kanye, they'd just call it a memory—the first of many for Kim, Kanye, KimYe and Sheba.

Kanye, Big Sean, Pusha T, and 2 Chainz are outside the door to the studio. Inside, expensive equipment and furniture is trashed, broken, and scattered around the room. There is significant structural damage. Big Sean sits slumped in a chair while Kanye paces furiously.

"Because, Sean, elephants don't smoke weed!"

Kanye couldn't believe he actually had to explain this. He tried to stay calm and remain rational, but Sean's eyes were glazing over and every few minutes his lips would tighten up. Kanye could tell he was holding in a giggle. 'Ye slammed his fist down on the dark, polished table.

"You think this is funny? Ay Pusha, go get my ring, the big pointy pharaoh one!"

Pusha isn't one who usually takes orders, but to deal with Kanye better, he's picked up a trick. He's learned to flip whatever Kanye directs him to do to make it feel like he's the one calling the shot.

"The pharaoh one? Yo, I'm gonna go grab the pharaoh ring. Fuck all this, I'm doing it. I'm getting the ring."

Pusha stormed, off, determined to do what he clearly just decided needed to be done.

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Three hours earlier, Sean was in the studio with 2 Chainz and Sheba.

"Hey man, why's Sheba looking at me like that? She's looking at me, right? You seeing this?" Sean was high as fuck and starting to bug out. "Is she hungry? Is she going to... nah, elephants don't eat meat, do they? Do elephants eat meat? The fuck do elephants eat?"

2 Chainz was sober but exhausted. He had been listening to a paranoid Sean asking questions about the elephant in the room all day, and it was getting old. He stood up, looked at Sean, shrugged, and sauntered out.

Sean looked around the room, then approached Sheba. He lifted one of her large, floppy ears and whispered to her.

"What is it, girl? We cool? We cool right? Are you hungry? Do you need water?"

Sheba looked back at Sean blankly.

"What is it with those big, sad eyes? Do you want... do you want some of this?"

Sean held up a blunt. He lit it, took a big pull, gently grabbed Sheba's trunk, and blew smoke into it. Sheba didn't resist. 20 minutes later, the blunt was almost done, and Sheba was looking freaked out. Sheba pulled her trunk away and when Sean grabbed at it, Sheba trumpeted and stomped. Sean panicked.

"Oh God! Whoa! What the fuck Sheba, chill out!"

Yelling only escalated things. Sheba backed into the wall and knocked over a framed picture. The frame shattered and startled Sheba, who charged across the studio and knocked over tables, trampled a couch, and broke switchboards, computers, and speakers. The rampage only lasted a couple of minutes, but the damage was extensive. When 2 Chainz and Pusha heard the ruckus, they ran to the studio. When they arrived, Sean was perched on top of a couch in the corner looking terrified. Sheba was in the opposite corner, eyes bulging and feet restless.

2 Chainz turned to Pusha, "Yo, call Kanye."

"Ayo, what we need to do right now is call 'Ye. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna call 'Ye. It has to be done."

Kanye arrived, and the three met outside the studio.

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As the four G.O.O.D. Music associates stood outside that studio, there was a feeling that they were walking on landmines. Nobody knew how 'Ye would react, and nobody knew exactly how things would play out once Pusha returned with the ring.

Pusha returns without the ring. He glances over at Sean with a look that says, "You owe me for this."

Sean looks back at Pusha with a look that says, "Ahhfssdj fsdfshf eerr?"

Kanye says he's going to "let this slide" but he'll never forget it.

"This is NOT a game. Sheba is a HUMAN BEING!" Kanye barked at his posse.

"Actually, 'Ye…."

"NOT NOW 2 CHAINZ!"

2 Chainz continued, "She's a mammal but not a human. Surprisingly, we have a lot in common, though. Like…"

"SERIOUSLY 2 CHAINZ, NOT NOW!"

"Bet."

Kanye gets an intense look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath. "Elephants live for about 65 years, so Sheba's going to be here longer than I will. If you look at it that way, I'm her pet."

Sean started giggling.

"MATTER OF FACT," Kanye was now also giggling, but his giggle signified evil intentions, "we're ALL Sheba's pets. That means you, too, Sean."

For the next week, Sheba roamed free in the studio while Sean stayed in a cage. He was allowed out on a leash, but only when Pusha or Chainz kept on eye on him. Months later, he would release a new album and critics noted that Sean's music got a lot darker, a lot more disturbing, and a lot more serious. It was the best project he ever recorded.

At the album release party, he only thanked one person: Kanye West.

His one other thank you: Sheba.

It was hard to believe, but baby KimYe was already one year old. The year had been a difficult one though: after much back and forth the new parents found out that it was indeed illegal to send a baby into space, no matter how much money Kanye offered them and regardless of how many "Imma let you finish Buzz Aldrin, but baby KimYe had the best moon landing of all time!" t-shirts 'Ye insisted could be sold. Then there was also that embarrassing pharaoh fiasco where Yeezy had convinced himself that baby KimYe was the living reincarnation of King Tut and dressed him only in an ancient Egyptian wardrobe. Kanye can pull off weird masks and leather skirts, but a baby in a Nemes was really pushing it.

Considering their turbulent year, Kim and Kanye were looking forward to celebrating the upcoming milestone. And since Kim can barely handle yawning without taking a selfie for Instagram, the two had recruited the help of BFF Jay-Z and his wife Beyoncé to help with the planning. Plus, Kanye kinda had his hands full trying to get his down payment on a fucking pyramid back, so a birthday party wasn't at the forefront of his mind.

"Jay! Jay! Is everything set up? Are we ready?" Beyoncé asked. "You know I don't have time to check all this out and make sure you did what I asked. I still need to practice my whole set for my upcoming Mrs. Carter tour, do a photo opp at the local animal shelter, and cure cancer. Plus my hair is looking hella Michelle right now, so you know I have to fix that."

"Baby girl it's done, don't even worry. I sent J Cole the list like two weeks ago, and you know homie don't have any room to mess up, so relax," Jay answered. Beyonce calmed down for a second until she noticed something from the corner of her eye.

"Oh HELL no. What in the hell is 2 Chainz doing in the bouncy house? He KNOWS that's for the kids. He's too damn big to be out there jumpin' like a damn fool!" Beyonce yelled. Jay-Z looked out the window then blew his secret whistle that reaches a decibel only dogs, wolves, and J. Cole can hear. Cole ran out and yelled at 2 Chainz to stop jumping, luring him out of the bouncy house with a piece of Bundt cake on a plate.

Just then the doorbell rang. By the smell of plastic, foundation, and desperation they knew—the Kardashians had arrived. The family filtered through the house and made their way to the back yard where the party had been set up. Shortly after they arrived, the G.O.O.D. music crew followed. Big Sean came out first with his gift (a framed picture of himself doing bicep curls with a 5 lb weight), then Cudi, who forgot his gift, and lastly Common, who had bought baby KimYe a dream journal. Kanye and Pusha T showed up together after everyone had already gotten there because Kanye couldn't find the right mask that said, "I like fashion but I also like kids and I'm a dad and a superstar." It was a complicated statement to make with a mask.

A few hours into the party and everything seemed to be going smoothly. Once it hit 2 p.m., Kanye tapped his glass.

"Hello family, friends, GOOD Music, J. Cole—glad everyone could show up today. This is a really big day for me because I honestly thought I would never have a miniature me except for when I tried cloning, so I'm just very happy that I do have a son. As a gift to my child and as a gift to his cousin Blue, I have arranged something very special." Kanye left, and the guests all became flushed with suspense. Big Sean giggled because he was under the very real impression that the surprise was a performance by The Wiggles and that was just too much for him to handle. Kim took a record 89 selfies, all captioned "surprised!" People were on the edge of their seats.

A few minutes later, Kanye returned with the surprise. It was Sheba, dressed as Kanye. Upon seeing them, Big Sean passed out from pure excitement. 2 Chainz cried, Common wrote a haiku on-the-spot and Cudi was utterly confused as to whether this was a hallucination or there really was a giant elephant dressed as Yeezy.

"Not this fucking elephant again! Kanye seriously." Kris yelled. But she was alone. Everyone else was in awe.

Sheba performed a memorable five-hour set that included three costume changes and two encores. Immediately following that, Beyoncé recruited the elephant for her next three albums and Jay decided to rename Watch The Throne 2 to Watch The Cage: Jay Z, Kanye West & Sheba. But everyone went home that night with not only the memory of an amazing performance, but memory of a very special birthday. Except 2 Chainz, who somehow got himself stuck in the bouncy house.