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Today I was watching St. Vincent perform with David Byrne and it struck me that these two could be scraping their nails on chalkboards and squealing like those little hyper monkeys with the long tails and darting eyes. It struck me that as long as Annie Clark is on the screen, I am watching. Am I in love? I’ve never met Annie Clark, so that’s up for debate. But yes. Yes, I am in love. I am in love with Annie Clark. So instead of “eating dinner,” or “sleeping,” or “flushing the rotting carcass of my fish that died last week,” I decided to share the best Annie Clark GIFs! Call me, Annie?

Hit “next” or click the pictures to read on…

When I say, “I love you” and this GIF becomes the first and last thing you watch of every day for the rest of your insignificant life.

When my wide, perfectly positioned doe eyes give away the severity of an awkward situation.

When I wake up and I’m like, “Fuck it, today I will lay in the street and I will sing.”

When I hit the wrong note and try to casually dance my way off stage like, “Oh, nothing happening here, snitches. Doot-doo-doot-doo-doo.”

When I tell a joke and nobody laughs and I’m like, “Um, it’s funny because…”

When I got my favorite leather shorts on and I’m feeling extra badass on some 2Pac, Me Against The World type shit, except I have this guitar and I’m so sophisticated.

When crowdsurfing gets played out so I piggyback through the audience.

When Lil Wayne is like, “Yo, I play guitar.”

My imitation of Lil Wayne playing guitar.

When I’m in a crispy blazer, low cut tank, I have some fucking awesome sunglasses on, and I know that I can literally say whatever the fuck I want and you will agree. Now go Google “Stravinsky” and get on my level, you herbs.

When I’m about to give ’em the doe eyes, then I’m like, “Nah, son, don’t give ’em the doe eyes.”

When someone is like, “So you’re saying you’re immortal Angel Woman from Heaven clouds and you lost your wings in a car accident in the late ’80s?”

And I’m like, “That’s exactly what I mean.”

When someone asks me if I’d like to put on these oversized sunglasses.

Yeah. I do.

When a picture is worth a thousand words and this GIF is worth a thousand human sacrifices. And still, she blinks. Again. And again. And so we shall keep killing.

When some blogger is like:

“Oh my god, Annie, I’m so in love with you. Like, true love. This one time I even made a post with all these GIFs of you and I don’t know, I might be exaggerating a little but it was probably one of the coolest things I ever did and I tried to play it off like, ‘Ah, no big deal, just a silly GIF post,’ but what people didn’t know is I spent a year collecting those GIFs, staring at them until I came up with exactly the right caption. Short and silly as it seems, I studied those GIFs for hours every day. Summer turned to spring, spring turned to winter… I don’t even know the seasons to be perfectly honest. Seasons don’t really make a lot of sense when you are inside all day staring at GIFs. But I don’t have to tell you that.

Anyway (is it anyway or anyways?), I guess what I’m trying to say is that I obviously am probably in love with you and I don’t know if you feel the same way just based on this GIF thing or if maybe you need a little more time to think about it, maybe you want to just be friends for a while and see where it goes, I don’t know. That’s all cool with me, I’m a cool guy, I know when to play it cool and when to really express myself, like when a lion sprays his scent out of that weird anal gland, or whatever. You know that dogs have anal glands and if they aren’t drained they can get impacted. But the interesting thing here is that when you drain them it’s called “expressing” their anal glands. It’s true, there are How-To‘s on this kind of thing. Well, I guess that about does it. You want to go get coffee or something?”


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