My mom sent me the following email. It sat in my inbox, unread, until I had a double whiskey in my system. Her original email is presented here without any edits, followed by my commentary:
From: Mom
To: Rick
Subject: R U really spending this much on Clothes???!
Hi my sheeeesh boy1,
How R U? did u get caught in that storm in the Carolinas last night2? We had some nice days this week. Thursday was one of them3.
Ive had it up to *here* with your sister4. Overdrew her account by $100 this weekend and still NO JOB or even job prospects. The girl is LAZY!!!
Rick, your bill for your new credit card came to the house this morning5 (didn’t think your mom looked at that stuff did you6) and you must be MONEY BAGS HUH7??? You bought something from a place called SALESJOHNELLIOTT for 689 bucks8!!! I googled that store and Rick you CANNOT be spending that kind of money on regular shirts9. You’re paying for their LOGO10 and your paycheck is going straight into your CLOSET11. I just got an Express coupon in the mail for my birthday (30% off) and when you’re here for thanksgiving we can go shopping for shirts and you’ll see how much further your dollar takes you. Listen to your mom!!!
Also a charge from SIDMASH for 294 backuroos12! If it’s the store sid mashBURN you used to go to in atalnta were you back in Atlanta without telling me??
Rick I don’t know where you think this money is coming from but your father is furious. You have LOANS to pay every month. And you said you wanted to move to new york?? HA. Not with these kinds of bills my boy!
I love you my sheesh but PLEASE take better care of your money. If you want you can send some to me every month and I’ll save it for you. PLEASE THINK ABOUT IT.
Love,
Your mom
PS please call me this weekend we still need to work on my resume!!13
1Family nickname. When I was born my mom forced my dad to stop swearing, so he appropriated "sheesh" as a stand-in catch-all curse. After my sister was born, she started calling me "Sheesh" because he said it in my direction so often she thought it was my name.
2Nah, bird. Not since I downloaded Dark Sky.
3My mother, Ernest Hemingway, everybody.
4"*Here*" gets higher every time. If we annoy my mom enough we can harness her power to build an elevator from her Boston suburb to the moon.
5I need a new "permanent address."
6No, mom. Didn't peg you for a felon.
7Only recently started in on "money bags." Coming just when I began admiring her perfect delivery of "heh, Daddy Warbucks" from the other side of a tabled Christmas goose.
8Guilty.
9Guilty x 2 (but also sweatpants).
10If by "LOGO" she means "Layering Options GalOre." I think her internet shorthand has eclipsed mine.
11That's…actually kind of dope. I'm stealing it.
12This is where autocorrect finally packed it in.
13No one keeps it realer than moms. I don't even have mortal enemies who would send me an email condemning my lifestyle and then make me write for them for free.
Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.
