25 Creepy Valentine's Day Cards

Image via Complex Original

You know what the thing at the bottom of the thermometer is called? A bulb. B-U-L-B. Maybe there was some sort of mix-up, because the artist clearly created a thermometer with a bulge. A huge one.

This brilliant caption would have been much less offensive if they just drew head lice.

Here's one from the good old days, before all this Internet and Twitter and sexting of your blurry, poorly-lit body parts ruined the romance. 

Sure, she's cute, and you'd like to release her from this bondage, but you don't have all the information. What did she do to land herself in the stocks? Was it simple adultery, or is she a witch?

Try to have slightly better manners, guys. "May I please hammer it in?" She will like that a lot better.

If you know your Wizard of Oz, you'll recall that this is the guy who doesn't have a heart until he gets one from Oz at the very end of the story. He's not capable of love, he just wants a girl like Dorothy to oil him up now and then. 

Dear Stanley,

Have a great Valentine's Day. Really looking forward to making this movie with you and Shelley Duvall.

Your pal,

Jack Nicholson

She wasn't actually de-frosted until eight months later, by the CSI team.

Gimme all your lovin,' all your hugs and kisses, too. And any cash or jewelry you may be carrying. 

When the State Fair judges asked Timmy how he grew his prize-winning turnips, he smiled to himself and said, "Love. I put my love in that garden."

Emma's body was never found.

It's so difficult to find a card that says exactly what you're thinking. But this one does.

Having a rash is usually the trait of someone who is not going to be our Valentine.

Having these Squirrelzillas deliver the mail is a cost-effective plan, until they wise up and realize they could rule the planet.

When the giant squirrel comes for your body with his terrifying mailbag, don't say we didn't warn you.

This card simultaneously celebrates the sanctity of life while lamenting man's inhumanity. Embryos think, they feel, they have hopes and dreams and yes, they love. Unfortunately for them, they are also delicious when fried in a skillet and doused with Tabasco. So much for love.

OK, this is probably directed at a girl, but doesn't it look like the little blonde boy is in love with his ventriloquist's dummy? And wasn't this the premise of a B-grade horror movie in the '80s? Well, if it wasn't, it should have been.

They say he still roams these woods at night, pushing his tiny scooter, wearing the clothes he was so brutally murdered in, with a giant plum where his head used to be.

"To my Valentine"? A more fitting message on this guy's, uh, dangling tongue would be, "Enjoy your nightmare."

You know who else wanted a dictator for Valentine's Day? World War I veterans in Depression-era Germany who resented the Weimar government and felt betrayed by communists and Jewish people.

If you said these words to a woman on the street, she would call the cops.

This card is always a hot seller at NAMBLA conventions.

You may be sure of it, but keep that thing out of your valentine. She doesn't want to see it.

"See the point?" The point is on the knife. And do you know what the knife means?

I. WILL. CUT. YOU.

This Valentine's Day, give her a card that tells her she's your favorite beaver.

Was this card innocent back in the day? We're not sure. But if you received it from a girl today, the message would be: "I'm into fetish wear; truss me up and then we'll have sex."

"Baby I love you?" Don't listen to his sweet words, sister. It's actions that count, and beating you over the head with a club is not a great action.