How to Dress For the Beach If You're Fat

Remember six months ago when you were like: "I am so gonna hit the gym hardcore and get a six-pack by June." Well, you instead spent that six months wrapped up in an endless k-hole of Mad Men, Game of Thrones, and Girls (it's okay, we secretly watch that too). Besides, how could you stick to a strict diet of baby carrots, kale, and braised quinoa when you absolutely had to try the best hamburgers in town and food trends like gonzo ramen?

Trust us. We feel your pain. The only six-pack we ever had was something we drank, and the only weight we've been pushing lately involved getting our fat asses to lunch. If you feel like your body isn't quite beach ready yet, we've got you covered. Here's our guide on How to Dress For the Beach If You're Fat.

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The Effect: They draw attention away from your midsection.
Buy It Now: Club Monaco x Katin, $85

You've heard it before, and that's because it's true: dark, solid colors are your best friend. Does that mean you have to rock all black everything? Not at all. Opt for navy and shades of gray and charcoal too. The point is, you don't want to draw attention to the pudge, and subtle, solid colors won't be loud enough to turn your muffin top into a cupcake.

The Effect: They make you look slimmer.
Buy It Now: J. Crew, $70

Contrary to popular belief, make you look thinner, not wider. So maybe consider these horizontal stripe board shorts, and get a little of that benefit for yourself.

The Effect: You'll save yourself the sartorial embarassment.

Do yourself a favor and just don't wear one. These look best on dudes with muscle definition in their arms and a slight build. You'll look like you're smuggling two Vienna sausages you've stolen from some poor boardwalk vendor. Accept the fact that you just can't wear one without looking like an herb and get on with your life.

The Effect: You'll look a bit taller.
Buy It Now: Patagonia, $59

Don't rock swim trunks. The elastic hem is not your best friend. Consider a proper pair of board shorts with a longer inseam around 7 or 9 inches. Make sure they still hit just above the knee so you don't look like you still live in the '90s. Keep the rise regular too, that way your boardshorts will be more flattering and draw the attention away from your stomach.

The Effect: They're appropriate for the sidewalk and the boardwalk.
Buy It Now: Stussy, $66

Yeah, portly guys and Hawaiian shirts have been going well together for years, and that hasn't changed. You just have to make sure to get one in a modern fit that doesn't look like it was a hand me down from dad or made by Tommy Bahama. Stussy's current collection offers a variety of fits and fabrics that wouldn't look out of place off the beach either. This one features a dope map print and won't look out of place on city streets either. It's like getting two-for-one.

The Effect: You'll look better in your clothes.

Bigger guys often make the mistake of either buying clothes too big thinking it'll make them look smaller. No, you shouldn't have to squeeze in to a smaller size, just wear what actually fits you. The shoulder stitches should sit on your shoulders, and yes, your gut might be a little visible, but that's because you have one, and there ain't no hiding it. Whether it's board shorts or a T-shirt, stuff just has to fit right. You don't want your shorts to be too big that they'll easily come off in the water, and you don't want to be swimming in your tee, either.

The Effect: It draws attention away from your chubby jaw.
Buy It Now: Uniqlo, $10

Consider ditching the crewneck tees for a slimming V-neck. You don't want to get a deep v though, those are gross. A V-neck will slim your neckline and also give you a little more room to breathe. Stock up on them in basic white or darker colors like navy and gray.

The Effect: You might actually have some fun, and learn to live a little.

Ashamed of your moobs while your buddies are tossing the frisbee by the beach? Are they as bad as Jack Nicholson's? Feel free to keep your shirt on, but at the very least take it off before you dive in the water. Nothing's more of a dead giveaway that you're a dude insecure with his body than the token chubby guys with soaked shirts. It's the ocean bro. It doesn't judge you.

The Effect: You'll look more confident.

Great posture does wonders for the body, in addition to tightening your core muscles (you know, that area where your six-pack would be had it not been for genetics and/or a steady diet of deep-fried Snickers bars), it just feels better, makes you look more confident, and yes, a little thinner.

The Effect: You'll be comfortable with your body, whether you work out or not.

While there might be a few ways to make you look thinner, once that shirt comes off and it's just you and your bathing suit, there's no hiding anything except the stuff that you'll probably get a ticket for showing the world. On the one hand, you could decide that you're gonna start running a few laps each day, eat clean, and work towards a body you're more comfortable with. ...Or you could just do you, pop open a couple of brews, eat a burger off the grill, and just have a fun at the beach. There is no correct body type for partying. So stop being embarrassed by your body and instead just start being funny. Zach Galifianakis gets chicks all the time... and he also looks pretty confident in a red swimsuit.