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Last night at the 2014 OVO ESPYs, maybe three awards were given out in between the Drake variety show, Stuart Scott's touching speech making us all cry, and Michael Sam keeping it real. In between basic categories like Best Team and Best Insert Gender Athlete, the opportunity to give out some interesting and well-deserved trophies were missed. There was absolutely no love shown to the Best Worst Alphet, Loudest Blazer, and Best Snakeskin Shorts. Well we're here to create the award for that. Trophies. Read through for The Style Awards That Should've Been Given Out at the 2014 ESPYs.
Least fucks given: Marshawn Lynch
Give it up for this guy and his unwavering commitment to keeping it a buck. While his athletic peers are posted around him dressed like Christmas ornaments trying to outdo each other, your boy Marshawn is in the cut slouched over on his phone, in a beanie (in L.A.? In July?!) and tee, giving everything that's not Stuart Scott's speech the attention it deserves. Dude looks like he's on his couch suffering through an episode of Real Housewives with wifey. Too trill.
Best pool table jacket: Kevin Durant
Shoutout to the Best Male Athlete. It's well-deserved and all, but if you're MVP you've got to come so correct that LeBron can't see you in this style game either. Definitely don't steal Tiger's Masters jacket, forget to leave your contacts in, and call that "formal enough."
Best homage to post-game Westbrook style: Russell Westbrook
Drake's colorful getup towards the end of the night was a cute jab and all, but if we're really looking to honor the man who wore the loudest, most nonsensical, most Westbrookian alphet then that trophy goes to none other than the man himself. Russy came through with his Hermes buckle gleaming in the belt show-off manner we thought everyone was finally past, and the Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste inspired button-up. Dude's practically begging to be opening monologue fodder.
Best formal-wear sneakerhead: Clint Dempsey
Nobody's really clamoring for the Wolf Grey Jordan III's dropping this weekend, but give credit where credit's due: they completed Clint's cypher very cleanly. In a venue where 97% of the guys completely brick the suit-sneaker combo, a successful pairing is a win to be celebrated.
Best menswear x sportswear blend: Victor Cruz
Meggings peeking out of the Rick Owens suit pants. Too next. Everyone give a standing O to the gothgawd VC.
Best prom suit: Russ Smith
Oof, errors like that tie are only forgiven if you're 17 years-old and trying to match your shorty's corsage.
Dorkiest alphet ever/Least convincing 'America's Sweetheart' look: Chris Brown
Cool leather cardigan, dude. And the new haircut looks very Pleasantville, like maybe the prison warden really subjected dude to Clockwork Orange style brain-conditioning and he's a harmless herb now. We get it, Chris Brown. You like bowties.
Best tropical resort yoga instructor look: Drake
Drake pulled out all the wardrobe stops with something like five changes. Most were dope. This scented candle steez however, was not (awesome original songs skit notwithstanding). Aubrey looked like a guy who spends his time piping middle-aged side pieces at a destination resort after teaching them downward facing dog.
Most likely to be accompanied by an adult on his next shopping trip: Walter Thurmond
Congrats, Walter Thurmond. Mission accomplished: ten year-old Seahawk fanboys in Seattle aren't the only people who know your name anymore. Now that your attention-seeking has reached critical, reptile-endangering mass maybe let plain ass Russell Wilson advise on your next suit to bring the eyesore level down from a 1000.
Best cocaine concealing shirt: Nick Young
Sitting through the ESPYs at home was boring enough, sitting through it live with cameras waiting to catch you slippin/sleeping must be a nightmare. If Swaggy P was railing lines during commercial breaks to keep things interesting, we'd never know thanks to this ingenious Jackson Pollack-designed achromatic button-up. Yayo, powdered donuts, sugar cubes, he could've been stuffing his face with god knows what and the audience would be none the wiser.
Best blogger circa 2012 impersonation: Malcolm Smith
What "stylist" sold Malcolm this three year-old camo blazer because they needed wardobe space?
Most improved of all time: Carmelo Anthony
Maybe you weren't feeling the smedium sized tee tucked under his DB blazer, but we can all agree that this is a 200 percent increase in swag over some of his other ESPY appearances, most notably that time he borrowed Shaq's suit pants in 2005.