Image via Complex Original
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Listen up, gentlemen: Summer is here and unless you keep your chinos crisp and your beach sweaters fresh, your wife Cynthia of eight years will probably leave you for some French banker she met at SoulCycle. Whether you're kicking back at the beach or pacing around your lawyer's office while he goes over the latest draft of that cruel wench's FUCKING ABSURD alimony demands, you'll want to look your coolest when the weather gets hot. Luckily, I've got you covered!
No, no, not against litigation or the spasms of emotional agony seeping from the crater of your betrayal-ravaged soul. No one on this godforsaken rock can protect you there. Christ, did she ever even love you to begin with or was this all just a sham? Is love even real? If I had a dollar for every time she...
Sorry. What were we talking about again? Oh, right, summer clothes! These 10 simple warm-weather wardrobe upgrades will help you look impress the lady of your dreams this summer, all without breaking your heart, I mean, the bank. Remember, the keys to the perfect summer outfit are patterns, colors, and confidence (the latter of which you'll be robbed of years later when you discover that heartless succubus has been running around with another man).
Dave Infante is a writer and editor living in New York. Read his work for Thrillist here and follow him on Twitter here.
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1. Give Linen Another Look
Unlike Cynthia, this lightweight cotton fabric will be a trustworthy companion for years and won't call just call it quits out of the blue one Tuesday night while you two are enjoying a seemingly lovely dinner together at The Cheesecake Factory.
Bonus: Work a linen-cotton blend into your work rotation to break up the comatose monotony of heartbreak!
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2. A Bandana In Your Back Pocket Can Really Pull An Outfit Together
This Americana workwear staple will give basic chinos or stonewashed denim that little "something extra." Later on, after almost a decade of trusting marriage, you might learn that the woman you pledged your undying love to was getting a little "something extra" from a rich frog twice a week the whole fucking time. Opt for the classic paisley or shake things up with a colorful splash!
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3. Make Your Flip-Flops Jealous With Some Upscale Espadrilles
Channel The Talented Mr. Ripley with a pair of Breton stripe summer slip-ons. Europeans may not know how to keep their hands of your cheating skank wife, but they sure have it figured out when it comes to effortless beach footwear!
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4. Swap Your Boring Shoelaces For Something Colorful
Even though it's summertime, you’ll still have to look your best at the office. Losing your job is a sure way to turn this personal catastrophe into a full-blown existential crisis as you float unmoored in a miserable maelstrom of self-doubt and silent agony, wondering whether Cynthia would feel anything if you got hit by a fucking bus. A pair of vibrant yellow laces can bring playful panache to your workday routine because literally nothing else will.
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5. Embrace The Short Suit
Summer style is all about taking risks and I'm here to tell you that it's OK to show some shin while wearing a sportcoat, especially if there's a body of water in sight! Speaking of risks, this is a perfect time to protect your assets from divorce proceedings. You have no idea how bloodthirsty your ex is going to get once her lawyer explains the favorable arbitration climate she faces as a former housewife with no declarable income of her own.
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6. Ditch The Sweaty Leather Band For A Lightweight NATO Strap
Nothing screams "classy" louder than a seasonal nylon strap to hold your trusty timepiece in place. Except your wife, who literally howls at the top of her lungs while getting extra-maritally plowed by Pierre, an actual French aristocrat she met on AshleyMadison.com. Be sure you choose a color palette that complements your watch's face—the devil is in the details. Well, and Cynthia. Mostly her, actually.
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7. Take A Risk On A Summer Scarf
Remember that time you took Cynthia to Hilton Head? Just the two of you? Man, that was swell, wasn't it? These days, you probably don’t think about vacation much because you walked in on your legal spouse getting pile-drived by a foreigner on the Tempurpedic mattress the chiropractor recommended to help her back pain! Fuck that mattress. You didn't even want...what? Scarves? Sure, loser, wear a scarf. Wear a goddamned noose, for all I fucking care, man.
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8. Go Sockless And Never Look Back
Jesus fucking Christ. Socks?! No socks?! Ziploc bags wrapped around your goddamned hobbit feet?! I do not give a shit. They asked me to include some bullshit about showing off your ankles because J.Crew is advertising this month, but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, my pal: IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. NOTHING FUCKING MATTERS. You're not good enough for her. You'll never be good enough for anyone.
Protip: Skip the coffee and just start drinking! I have.
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9. Snag Some Frames That Fit Your Face
Is anyone even reading this? Every day feels like a goddamned year. Now that Cynthia has the house, I've been living in my Subaru Outback while I look for a condo. The only thing I can tell you about sunglasses is that I wear them to hide my tears while I eat Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny's. I do this pretty much every day. Help me.
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10. Board Shorts Are For Babies, But Swim Trunks Are For Men
[Editor's note: We hope you've enjoyed these essential summer tips from our style editor! Unfortunately, this section was filled with unprintable obscenities and could not be published verbatim, but the general idea was that cropped, colorful swim trunks are trending, everything you believe in is a lie and the only person you can trust in this godforsaken world is yourself. Also included were the lyrics to the Counting Crows' cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" and row upon row of the name "Cynthia" written in 72pt bolded red font. Enjoy being the best dressed man at the boardwalk or in the boardroom this summer, we guess!]