In April 2015, the 2004 Volkswagen Jetta I was gifted as a hand-me-down from my parents that I drove cross country from DC to LA a year prior died on me. Before this, it had been a problem car that I kept sinking money into every few months and by the time the check engine light came on for the last time around January 2015, my solution was ignoring it until it went away. Eventually, the check engine light turned off, but so did the engine. That same week, my friend had mentioned his car lease ending and that his plan was to go full Uber. During the UberPool beta period, he copped a $5 ride from Silver Lake to Malibu, which if you look at a map, is FUCKING INSANE. Once I heard that, I was down. Not to mention, I was at a place where a) I couldn't buy a car I'd actually want, b) I could lease a car I'd want but, like, I didn't wanna make an effort to find out how that worked and c) Fuck taking the bus literally ever. I'm sure there are some convenient routes if you plan it right or whatever, but idc idc idc. I just can't. I mean, fuck, I have a Wikipedia page and hit tweets, I can't ride the bus, you guys.
You're Both Being Graded
If you're used to being a psycho when driven by taxi drivers you won't ever see again, chill and, also, why the fuck are you taking a taxi in 2015? Are you taking that taxi to a Blockbuster? Did you call it on a payphone? What's wrong with you? Anyway, you rate Uber drivers on a scale of 1-5 stars, but they also rate you back. If you only use Uber for being drunk and/or going to the airport, whatever, but if it's the way you get around in life, you gotta keep your stats up. There's literally leagues to this shit: If a driver is a 4.9 and you're a 4.2, they're prolly not gonna pick you up. So, ya know, don't be late or a dick and you're good. I kiss ass heavy and so do they, so no matter how silent the ride was, when I get off, one of us hits the other with a, "Hey buddy, 5 stars!"
Aux Cord Privileges
Drivers are almost always down to pass the aux or give you that Bluetooth connect, but it's also important to know your audience. I've only been listening to Future's Dirty Sprite 2, but when I hopped in an Uber where the driver was an old man who was literally bumping Beethoven, I knew that was a situation where I had to fall back. Uber aux cord DJing is an art and it can be euphoric. Yesterday, I belted "Can't Feel My Face" with a 50-something named Aarman. The first time I was on molly, it kicked in while I was in a car with two friends and a hype young driver who was going fucking crazy to the same music as us and it made the moment that much more special, especially because, again, I was on molly.
When I lived in DC, I took public transit a lot and when I was driving solo all the time my first year in LA, I sometimes missed how much you experience being surrounded by strangers. Uber is a nice compromise wherein you feel connected with one stranger in a beautiful way without being on some dang dirty death machine. Music only heightens the moment. As does molly.
Know When To UberPool
UberPool is the carpool feature wherein there's an already set cheap ass price to your destination, just with the sacrifice of getting another passenger on the way or, sometimes, there's already a passenger. If that's the case, it'll tell you and you should cancel right away and find another one. The reason why UberPool is dope is half the time you don't get another passenger and you just end up getting a cheaper UberX. It only goes to certain neighborhoods, but all of the ones worth being in. For example, UberPool doesn't go to the Valley, but you shouldn't either. For the most part, if I'm close to somewhere and good on time, UberPool is my default. If you're running late, don't risk it. I was cutting it close on getting to the airport, but because I'm a cheap idiot, I hit UberPool. Not only did I almost miss my flight, but the driver had none of the aforementioned aux cord or Bluetooth capabilities, only coming equipped a CD player and radio, which, in case you didn't know, is how people who are dead now used to listen to music. Shit might've as well be a horse and buggy at that point. Not to mention, I shared the ride with two young teen brothers who kept calling each other "brother," like Buster Bluth or a Mormon. Then, "Sexual Healing" came on the radio as I sat with these two terrifying weirdos in the middle of an airport anxiety attack. Taking an UberX for literally 3-5 more dollars would have been the move in retrospect.
Be Sponsored By Uber
Andy Milonakis tweets about Uber a lot. Eventually, Uber noticed and now every Uber ride he takes is free. So, like, if anyone at Uber is reading this, holler at ya boy.
By the way, feel free to use my Uber Code.
Brandon Wardell is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. He's available to DJ under the name "Teen Party." You can follow him on Twitter here.
