What Kind Of Goth Are You?

The Internet is a digital dystopia filled with rehashed jokes, vicious subtweets and dank ass memes. It's an online wasteland filled with predatory beasts and barren landscapes. There are no laws. There are no gods. There is only Klout. There is only influence.

A daily battle rages amongst the social media tastemakers to see who can reach the top of Klout Mountain first and plant their brand's flag the fastest. Who will be the quickest to turn this momentary blip of pop culture into consumable content to satisfy the thirst of their loyal following? Who will be timely enough to further establish themselves as important online by continuously crafting nuggets of word vomit in hopes it will turn into tangible rewards? There can only be one.

Along the way, you begin to lose a part of yourself. As more and more time passes, your voice begins to fade and you begin to use commonly established vernacular to fit in with your peers. You're no longer an individual. You've become a cog in the zeitgeist. You yearn for validation from strangers you may never meet. "I've never said 'lit' in real life. Why am I saying it online?" you ask yourself.

You begin to have a breakdown. "Who am I? Is this me or is this all a character?" you splutter between sobs. You no longer know if you're Health Goth or Sport Goth or Fitness Goth or Only Wears Gym Clothes To Give Off A Perception Of Being Fit And Active When Really You're Just A Lazy Piece oOf Shit Goth. Fear not, my sweet child, the most problematic writer on Four Pins is here to help you. I've put together a handy list of the different types of goths you can be to help you through your freshly minted identity crisis. One day, everyone online will know their goth.

Alex Hancock is a writer living in the future so the present is his past, but really he's in Indianapolis. Follow his problematic Twitter here.

Health Goth

You own more than five high-priced, heavily branded athleticwear items. You have said the phrase, "This juice does'’t have enough kale in it" at least once. You tell your friends about how many times you've done a CrossFit this week even though they tell you to shut the fuck up every time you mention it. You've fucked someone while a Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD was playing in the background. You no longer exist.

Cyber Goth

You own a computer that isn't a laptop. You know the difference between HTML and CSS. You have argued over whether Apple or Android is better. You would rather spend an entire night coding than going out and feeling the warm embrace of a lover. Your dreadlocks match the ski goggles you wear casually.

Skate Goth

You own a skateboard deck, either to ride or hang on your wall. You have said the words "gnarly" and "radical" in a sentence without using them ironically. You worked at a Zumiez the summer between your sophomore and junior year of high school. You lost your virginity in the basement of Supreme.

Military Goth

You own at least one MA-1 bomber, fishtail parka, anorak and pair of aviators. You get real bone malone when Maverick reengages after the second jetwash in Top Gun. You masturbated throughout the entirety of American Sniper using gun oil as lube.

Rave Goth (Commonly Referred To As "Plur Goth")

You have listened to one Skrillex song. You pride yourself on how many times you've rolled face while wearing colorful beads you bough on Etsy. You buy tickets to festivals whose names you can barely pronounce. You want to suck Diplo's dick more than you want your mother to live a long, healthy life.

Sex Goth

You have a membership to more than one porn site, even though you know there is a plethora of free HD porn that will do the job. You are into "trying new things" and "experimenting in the bedroom" more than is healthy for 10 human beings, let alone one. You buy magnum condoms for show when you know you don't need them. You have not once sexually satisfied a partner.

Real Goth

You’ve listened to more than one Joy Division song. You live in complete darkness because the concept of sunlight and human interaction terrifies you. You smoke cigarettes because it's anti-establishment and getting lung cancer is the pinnacle of the goth experience. You create an enigmatic barrier to protect yourself from human emotions because deep down you are afraid of being loved. This is the worst list you have ever read in your entire miserable life.

Art Goth

You know the difference between acrylic and oil paints. You cry every night because Marina Abramović is not your birth mother and you secretly resent your father for not marrying an extremely relevant artist. You seemingly do no work ever, but have an exorbitant amount of disposable income on hand at all times. You make a point to bring up you're the fact that you're a "legitimate artist" any time you meet someone new, however, you've never actually sold a piece of art, let alone made one.

Street Goth

You claim to come from a hard knock life upbringing, but really you were born across the street from a country club where your family has a platinum membership. You hate your family for that. You listen to rap music and fantasize about living in the "trap" all from the comfort of your suburban cul-de-sac home with a well-manicured lawn. Your friends try to get you to come outside and hang out with them, but you spend all your time surfing the web for underground artists so you can make snarky "you aren't up on this yet fam???" tweets from your handle @AVSPurpLord69. You obsess over the drapey, rare hemline aesthetic and tell your friends you're wearing Rick Owens, but we both know you shop at the Zara in your local mall with your dad's credit card.

Goth Ninja

You shop for all of your gear (it's not "clothing") from the tactical ops section of the local military surplus store and Tres Bien. Your fashion inspirations are Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe and literally any anime character ever. You tell your friends you're going to the dojo to train, but in reality you're going to linger at your favorite sushi spot. You have never thrown a punch outside of your taekwondo class, where you're still somehow a white belt.

Fashion Goth

You read Four Pins daily. You own at least five pieces of clothing that don't make any sense whatsoever, but you pine for acceptance from a community that will never love you back. You only try to fuck women who look like Adrianne Ho even though you don't have a shot in hell. You laugh at those dejected hypebeast standing in the corner of a party memes, but you feel empty inside because, on a deeper level, you relate to them more than anything else you have ever seen.

Problematic Goth

You are a human with opinions and sometimes share your human opinions on the world wide web. You are incredibly influential online. Your name is Alex Hancock. You wrote this.