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You made it! You've graduated from high school and no longer have to deal with that death trap of a parking lot anymore. You've finally escaped all the cars with smoke billowing out of their exhausts, the drivers who seem like they're drunk all the time, and kids who do burn outs every single day. You're moving into the adult world, so it's got to be better ... right?
False.
You couldn't be further from the truth by thinking this way. You'll be trading cars billowing smoke for people billowing smoke inside of cars, drivers who seem like they're drunk for drivers who are actually drunk, and kids who do burn outs for kids who try to drag race every time they drive. In our experience, a college campus is possibly the most dangerous place to drive, thanks to a plethora of annoying people behind the wheel. Prepare yourself by learning about the 11 Types of Drivers You See in College.
The Kid Who Tests His 0-60 Between Every Stop Sign
As frustrating as it might be, pedestrians rule the road on college campuses. It's not really spoken, it's just accepted. It's almost impossible to get any sort of speed, if you're trying to drive to your class, instead of taking the bus and walking like the rest of the student body. There's always some kids, however, who think they're Dale Earnhardt reincarnate and try to show off the power and speed of the new supercharged RX-7 they just bought (hey, $5 per cup at a house party with a keg can roll in some serious dough).
No matter where you are on campus, you hear the brief three-second zips of somebody flooring it, then having to stop for a crossing student or a stop sign. There's a high probability that this guy also has neons under his car.
The Kid Who Is Ready to Tailgate at All Times
Don't. Make. Me. Go. Pop. The trunk (Yelawolf anybody?). Mr. tailgate isn't threatening with a real shotgun. He's threatening you with shotgunning one of the Natty Lights from the dirty thirty that he's got stashed in the back of his ride. You'll also find a 200-pack of red solo cups, a fold-away plastic buffet table, empty Gatorade bottles (for the evening hangovers from day drinking, duh), an eight-pack of ping pong balls, and a half-inflated kiddie pool strewn throughout the (typically) SUV. Don't worry about that clanking you hear when you're driving with him; it's just the harsh chorus of four double shot glasses that he bought the first week of his freshman year.
The Kid Who Makes His Own Parking Spots
Parking is a bitch on campuses. Where the hell are we supposed to get money for expensive meters every single day, when we can barely even pay for the $800 stack of books required for two bullshit classes that have nothing to do with our majors? It's an everyday struggle that some people flat-out refuse to deal with. Instead, they park where they see fit.
That front yard? Parking spot. That designated dumpster square? Parking spot. That little alley that you think nobody knows about, but in reality, everybody knows about? Parking spot. Every drive through campus, you see somebody who just ignores the law, and typically, that car is often accompanied with a piece of paper on the windshield flapping in the wind.
The University Police
Hilariously, the University Police men and women usually look exactly like the sterotype of a "piggy." They're usually a bit overweight, have flooded pants, are in horrifically grumpy moods (who wouldn't be?), and think they're doing the world a huge favor by ticketing the person that was parked in the 10-minute unloading zone (aka in front of dorms) for 12 minutes.
The Kid Who Has an Enormous Lifted Truck or Jeep
Unless your school is in a city (let's be real, those people aren't getting real college experiences), there's a good chance that outside the campus bubble is a whole lot of nothing. And that's exactly what people with Jeeps are hoping for. True Jeep owners are probably going to throw a lift kit, a winch, some gigantic tires and rims, a snorkel, and overhead lamps on their ride to prepare for some muddy off-roading adventures. They're broke school kids, though, so it's not like they can have two sets of wheels. That's why you see those monstrous caked all-terrain vehicles towering over Neons in the parking lots.
The Kid Who Brings His Motorcycle Helmet To Class
A lot of motorcycles have a spot for latching your helmet onto the side to make sure it's secure. However, there are the people who still bring their helmets everywhere they go. We understand the people who do this just because they're nervous about leaving it out in the open, but we know that 90 percent of the guys bringing their helmets into a 30-person class are just doing it to feel like a badass. "Aye girl, I know you love that I'm a bad boy driving a sport bike. You tryin' to go back to my bunk bed in the frat house? I got a curtain, so it's nice and private." He's probably wearing shorts and flip-flops, as he drives, too.
The Kid Who Randomly Has a Supercar
There we are, walking to class with our $20 headphones that we charged at the bookstore, when we hear a loud rumble behind us. We look back and our Chuck Taylor's freeze, as our eyes are met with an Aston Martin. We've seen these, Maseratis, and Lamborghinis on campuses, and we have two question: Who the hell died and gave you hundreds of thousands of dollars, and why the hell are you parking a $150,000 car on the curb at a meter? We secretly love it, when we see a little orange piece of paper under the windshield wiper.
The Athlete
It's obvious who the athletes on campus are. It's likely that you'll see a clean, tinted Challenger or Camaro with the newest 2 Chainz, Kanye or Drake blaring. Just look for the car people are video taping, and expect to see a tall dude step out in university-branded ball shorts or sweat pants, a lanyard, and socks and sandals.
The Drunk Drivers
We might be writing this article in a light-hearted tone, but there is absolutely nothing funny about drunk driving. Everybody plays it off as if everybody does it, and the majority might, but no situation is an excuse for this.
Don't tell your roommate that you'll drive then proceed to have three $0.75 triple wells. Don't refuse to take a cab just because you're trying to save $20. Don't offer to drive your friends and get peer pressured into having "just one or two," because they will hurt you, and they'll probably hurt others, as well.
We've literally watched from the roof of our own condo, as a drunk driver ramped over a curb and drilled the side of a condo across the street at 2 a.m. Your parents are hoping for straight A's, but they're also hoping that you can drive in a straight line.
The Pothead
These are the kids that know every single in and out of the interiors of their cars for one reason: hiding spots. They've probably got some bumper stickers on the back of their Volvo or rusted Oldmobile Delta and probably have a can of Febreeze sitting on the floor. It's pretty likely that you'll see a couple burn marks in the carpet, as well. They'll be the ones who will be riding slow without Kanye and Paul Wall blasting through the cracked windows.
Campus Bus Drivers
There are two types of drivers that you try to avoid most when on a college campus: the campus police and the campus bus drivers. One will pull you over, the other will get you pulled over. Few things are more frustrating than getting stuck behind a campus bus. The make frequent stops, they only drive like maniacs or extremely slowly, and they're impossible to pass. Even worse, you're probably breathing in some of that big cloud of black smoke that it just puffed out. The anger will build, and you'll probably try get around the bus by doing something illegal. Try to be patient.
