The Alternative ESPYs

Contrary to good taste (and sense) the ESPYs continues to grow in popularity. At least that's what we assume when we see that, for the first time ever, they're airing it on ABC instead of ESPN. How and/or why anybody sits on the edge of their seat to see who is awarded the prize of "Best Male Athlete" or "Best Play" (hint: It's going to be Odell Beckham Jr.) is beyond us. And while there's no alternative viewing when it comes to big-time sports tonight (the only day of the year when that's true) there should be a second option to watching this most dreadfully self-aggrandizing of shit shows.

So here is our three-quarter-assed effort, the imaginatively titled Alternative ESPYs, a work that took us hours to put together, but you can probably burn through in less than five minutes. Without further ado, please enjoy the stories/awards that ESPN intentionally glossed over. It's our counter-salute to the dumbest night in sports.

Nominees

1) Chicago Bears defensive end Lamarr Houston: In Week 8 against the Patriots, Houston sacks Jimmy Garoppolo then tears his ACL celebrating. Why was Garoppolo in the game you ask? Because New England was up by 25 points and benched their starters.

2) Detroit Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch: Sacks Aaron Rodgers in first quarter of Week 3. Gives State Farm free plug with mock-Discount Double Check move. Tears ACL. Gets put on injured reserve. Then a week later shows off North Carolina State education when he says he'd "do it again."

3) New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul: Starts week with 10 fingers, ends with nine. Becomes textbook example for future Fourth of July PSAs.

4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback C.J. Wilson: Loses twice as many fingers as Pierre-Paul, but because he barely plays for the league's worst team nobody notices.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

C.J. Wilson, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Sure, Pierre-Paul's amputation went viral. But Wilson's amputations (note: plural) are likely to be far more costly. The Giants reportedly pulled their $60 million dollar offer to Pierre-Paul, but the two-time Pro Bowler is still likely to sign a contract tender of nearly $15 million. Contrast that with the previously undrafted Wilson who (a) most people probably think is a pitcher for the Angels, and (b) is in the last year of a non-guaranteed deal for roughly the league minimum.

Nominees

1) Johnny Manziel: So far looking like Tim Tebow without the cross.

2) Mayweather-Pacquiao: All it cost you was your time...and 100 bucks.

3) College Football Playoff National Championship Game: Oregon is M.I.A. as it turns out Ohio State versus Alabama was the true national championship.

4) Kentucky Basketball: Best team ever can't even win (or make it to) title game.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Mayweather-Pacquiao: We weren't expecting an ending scene from Rocky; but for the decade-plus promotion, we were expecting to come away, you know, entertained. When the best thing about the fight is Jimmy Kimmel dressed like Bieber (and it wasn't even close, by the way) then you win this award, hands down. Fuck, we might as well retire it after this. Next time we all should (but probably won't) do some research on how Mayweather fights before shelling out a Benjamin.

Nominees

1) Baltimore Ravens:

What role are we talking about here, exactly? Target?

2) Houston Rockets:

Funny to us. Not funny to the dude it got fired.

3) Seattle Seahawks:

Not everything ties together.

4) New England Patriots:

Here's hoping this was a mistake.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Baltimore Ravens: This tweet actually occurred about a month earlier than the award window but seeing as how there were no Alternative ESPYs last year we'll allow it. Plus, we have carte blanche to pull rules out of our own asses.

Sends thirsty tweet to adult film star Mia Khalifa. She posts it. He says it's out of context. She posts longer version. Bad timing. Had this been revealed, like, literally two days later, we'd have rolled it over to next year and probably forgotten all about it.

2) Larry Nance Jr., Los Angeles Lakers:

It was posted three years ago, but came to light the night the two became teammates. First lesson for future ballers: When you're famous, Twitter is forever. Second lesson: 30-1 odds isn't exactly lightning striking.

3) Chipper Jones,Atlanta Braves (retired):

Chipper's explanation? "I had heard something from someone."

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Chipper Jones: It's tempting to give into the recency effect and go with Williams, but frankly we don't find what he did too surprising. Instead we got to go with a future Hall of Famer who went completely off his rocker.

Nominees

1) Los Angeles Baseball: Regular season: Combined 192-132, plus an MVP in each league (Mike Trout and Clayton Kershaw). Postseason: Combined 1-6 record, Angels get swept, Trout goes 1-for-15, Kershaw gets rocked.

2) LeBron's Co-Stars: LeBron finally has the help to bring a title to Cleveland. Or at least until Kevin Love's shoulder (first round) and Kyrie Irving's knee (Game 1 of the NBA Finals) have something to say about it.

3) Florida State Football's Title Defense: The Seminoles had never lost with Jameis Winston at the helm. When they finally do it's by 39 points on New Year's Day in front of a record breaking (28+ million viewer) Rose Bowl audience. And here TCU fans were complaining about Ohio State's spot in the Playoff.

4) Pete Carroll/Darrell Bevell's Play Call, Seattle Seahawks: First and goal, 26 seconds left, down four points in the Super Bowl. Why do we even have other nominees?

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Pete Carroll/Darrell Bevell, Seattle Seahawks: If their decision pays off, the narrative is "Everyone was keying on Marshawn Lynch, Pete Carroll is a genius!" But it didn't. A guy nicknamed "Beast Mode" was seemingly built for this situation, no?

Nominees

1) Jameis Winston, Florida State:

"With the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select..."

2) Trevone Boykin, TCU:

This year's early Heisman favorite gets bailed out by an offsides, as SMU misses their shot at two points. Momentum swings the other way, and the Mustangs go on to lose 56-0.

3) Brian Gala, Penn State:

You have got to have the biggest balls in the world to stand in the backfield behind these guys.

4) Booker Mays, Arkansas State:

Gee, who would have thought a play inspired by a fainting goat could fail?

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Jameis Winston, Florida State: We have no doubt that this play is when the Bucs knew once and for all that they had their guy.

Nominees

1) Brandon Knight, Milwaukee Bucks:

Indecision leads to derision.

2) Evan Dietrich-Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

Would you believe this was the third most successful play of Tampa's season? It wasn't...but they were fucking bad.

3) Tiger Woods:

The saddest part is how unfazed the rest of the team appears. As if this was just normal for the Knicks.

5) Ryan Raburn, Cleveland Indians:

Indians outfielder lets loose a throw that'd make 50 Cent scoff. Final score? Royals: 2, Indians: 1. So yeah, this turned out to be costly.

6) Spencer Lanning, Cleveland Browns:

(a) He's a punter.

(b) You try looking athletic when someone jump kicks you in the face.

(c) He's a punter.

7) Gregory Polanco, Pittsburgh Pirates:

Trips over an invisible cat, loses game for the Pirates.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Gregory Polanco, Pittsburgh Pirates: Just watch that again.

Nominees

1) Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees: Passes Willie Mays with home run No. 661. Gets 3,000th hit in style with home run No. 667. Arguably the MVP of the first place Yanks.

2) Nelson Cruz, Seattle Mariners: The man who's currently fifth in the American League in homers makes it into the starting lineup of the All-Star game as a DH.

3) Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers: Speaking of All-Stars, the Brewers' Braun replaces the injured Matt Holliday to join the NL squad. A fitting reward for a guy who's kept his nose blood clean for almost two whole years.

4) Yasmani Grandal, Los Angeles Dodgers: One of the men the Padres traded for Matt Kemp makes his first All-Star appearance (at the age of 26), and does so for less than 1/30th of Kemp's salary.

5) Jhonny Peralta, St. Louis Cardinals: Wait, drugs are for losers? The starting shortstop for both the best team in baseball and the National League All-Stars tells us otherwise.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees: In less than two weeks, A-Rod will become only the sixth active player in baseball to turn 40 years old. And yet, he's turning back Father Time with a season that'd be a career year for most guys not named A-Rod. That probably leads you to one of two conclusions. The first is that he never needed PEDs. The second, you already know.

Nominees

1) #DeflateGate: Properly inflated footballs wouldn't have turned the Patriots into the Jaguars.

2) The Based God Curse: The 56-win Rockets lost to the 67-win Warriors because of a curse? Let's see him work his black magic on every team in the league next year besides the Sixers. If Nerlens Noel and Co. hoist the 'ship then this goes from old joke to truly terrifying.

3) Free Agency Rumors: Dwyane Wade's dad wore a Cavs shirt. LeBron opted out of his deal. The Lakers cleared cap room and met with Kevin Love. And DeAndre Jordan gave the Mavs "his word." Then they signed with (in order): the Heat, Cavs, Cavs and Clippers. Well...that was exciting.

4) DeAndre Jordan's Cold Feet: Speaking of DeAndre Jordan, it's not official until he signs on the dotted line. Every college fan who's seen a player decommit before Signing Day already knew this. Another way of saying that is: Every college fan who's seen a player decommit before Signing Day already knew this.

5) Anything Mayweather-Pacquiao: They talked pre-fight trash. They talked post-fight trash. They kind of fought in-between. Most importantly, they got some of your money and time. There's no need to give them anymore.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

#DeflateGate: If you're still truly worked up over this, you got bigger issues in life than Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.

Good news: Not dead. Bad news: Silver medal.

2) Unknown, Gym:

The best place to pass out is a place surrounded with heavy steel and iron.

3) Unknown, Gym:

Literal drop set.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Genesis Rodriguez Gomez: She won the silver medal at the Pan Am Games. That's something. To be honest, we're not even sure if these other two are alive.

Nominees

1) The New York Knicks: From the season, to the lottery, to the collective draft night reaction of a fan base in distress. Even if you're losing hope, just keep repeating "In Phil we trust, In Phil we trust, In Phil we trust..."

2) Los Angeles Lakers: Swap coasts to the country's second-biggest market to find a similarly disappointing team. Their loss of Steve Nash to a career-ending back injury before the year was an extremely painful (for Nash, anyway) omen. Then they finished 21-61, to end up 46 games behind first place Golden State. After their waste of one of Kobe's twilight years, they cleared cap space to land Kevin Love, DeAndre Jordan, LaMarcus Aldridge​ Lou Williams. Their free agent pitch was apparently all wrong. But, then again, who could've predicted this Adam Levine tweet would flop?

3) The Oakland Raiders: You may wonder how the Bucs aren't our NFL rep, but their extraordinarily lousy division kept them alive in the NFC South after Thanksgiving. Oakland became one of only two teams to go winless on the road, got outscored by 199 points (worst in the NFL) and tried (and failed) to turn an 0-10 start into an 0-11 with an inexplicable celebration 15 yards behind the line of scrimmage while on defense during a game-winning drive attempt:

*Drum Roll*

Winner

The Knicks: When you play in the nation's largest market, you're often faced with outrageous expectations. However, playing up to the level of a high school team isn't one of them. Neither is coming within 20 games of the eight-seed in the shittier of the two conferences. Special acknowledgments are also deserved for their 16-game losing streak (that lasted over a month) and somehow, someway becoming the only team in the lottery to finish out of order when they dropped from the second pick to the fourth.

Nominees

1) Roger Goodell: Bungles seemingly every decision put in front of him and still cleared $44 million dollars doing it. All the while, he does it with the grin of a man who knows the same people that hate him can't and won't stop watching his product. Not unlike a drug dealer with great crack.

2) Sepp Blatter: The hammer finally drops on FIFA's corruption, but Blatter evades arrest. Reports indicate he won't enter the U.S. out of fear of the feds.

3) Britt McHenry: Freaks out on a woman on a surveillance video (who was suspiciously edited out) and somehow manages to make tow truck companies sympathetic in the process.

4) Adrian Peterson: The spankings he's been putting on NFL defenses apparently pale in comparison to the spankings he puts on his son.

5) Ray Rice: As the 2014 NFL season begins, video drops of Rice decking his fiancée, which proves that something fishy did indeed happen when he dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator. Damn, we never would've guessed.

*Drum Roll*

Winner

Sepp Blatter: Some of those stadiums FIFA has been pushing forth for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar look pretty dope. The fact they're being erected by migrant workers/modern day slaves working for free (and possibly to death) to build them in hotter-than-hell heat will only kill your buzz if you let it. It's doubtful anything will be done about it, so all we can do is hope that their plight is recorded, so some future jerkoff doesn't give credit to "ancient aliens."

Nominees

1) The NFL Combine: Sprints, broad jumps and hands drills narrated by Mike Mayock. This really is the bottom of the TV viewing barrel.

2) Day Three of the NFL Draft: Just in case you were waiting in anticipation to find out where Tauren Nixon, Denzelle Good and Trevor Siemian were headed.

3) The First Round of the NBA Playoffs: Of the eight series that were played, the team with the better record won seven of them. And only one was truly compelling.

4) Mayweather-Pacquiao: Especially if you factor in the weeks of build-up.

5) Home Run Derby: Hell is televised batting practice with Chris Berman saying "Back, back, back..." the whole time.

6) The ESPYs: An award show for mediums that already have their own awards.

7) The Alternative ESPYs: In fairness, you’re probably either commuting, working, or taking a shit…so who cares?

*Drum Roll*

Winner

The ESPYs: The only one of these pieces of crap you can still avoid.