10 Resolutions That Athletes Need to Make for 2013

January 1 isn't only a day for nursing hangovers, it's a chance to amend a year's worth of drunk texting and Chipotle binges with hollow promises for a better future. For the last 12 months you've wavered back and forth about joining a gym, breaking up with your girlfriend, and finally kicking your Internet porn addiction (err at least toning it down). The good news is you're not alone. Some of your favorite athletes need a fresh start in 2013 as much as you do. The first day of the rest of your life begins now with 10 Resolutions That Athletes Need to Make for 2013.

Written By Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)

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When you consider the depths to which major college football coaches are willing to sink in order to protect their programs, Tyrann Mathieu's dismissal from LSU is staggering. The Honey Badger choked away his college football career like a graceless bong hit, with a series of failed drug tests and an alleged sexting scandal.

In a seemingly concerted effort towards becoming a cautionary tale, Mathieu was arrested and charged with marijuana possession in October. As the smoke clears on 2012 (so to speak), no athlete is in greater need of a smoke free 2013 than LSU's disgraced defensive back. Hopefully dude got a CorePower Yoga membership or a part-time Starbucks position over the holiday because he needs a hobby. Bad.

No athlete entered 2012 with more and left it with less than Lance Armstrong. Over the last 12 months the shamed cyclist has been stripped of an Olympic medal, seven Tour de France titles, and received a lifetime ban from the sport of cycling. With his reputation flying over the handle bars, his own Livestrong charity dropped his name from the foundation's title. Cold.

Right now, Armstrong is about as popular as a sand paper bike seat and things are only getting worse. In 2013, the disgraced Tour de France champion would be wise to join a book club, initiate small talk at the grocery store, and voluntarily shovel his neighbors driveways. Dude needs some friends.

In 2012, Dez Bryant reportedly brawled with Lil' Wayne's entourage in a club, snagged his obligatory first DUI as a professional athlete (congrats, Dez!), and allegedly assaulted his own mother. Yikes. As a result, the Cowboys organization has bestowed a midnight curfew, strip club ban, and three-man security detail upon their troubled receiver.

If, at 24 years old, you can't sip a watered down Vodka-Soda at Glass Lounge without punching out a mouthy Eagles fan, maybe it's time to give up the sauce. Bryant's gone four months without being arrested which, by Cowboys standards, is worthy of an ovation. Bryant enters the off-season a sex tape and DWI away from becoming Chad Johnson. And nobody wants to be Chad Johnson.

If you're struggling to get over a recent breakup or hate your thankless job, set up a Google Alert for "Chad Johnson." You'll quickly realize that life could be a lot worse. In the last six months, Johnson was cut from the Dolphins on TV, charged with allegedly head-butting his now ex-wife, had his Miami condo foreclosed upon, and has admitted to being the subject of a recently leaked sex tape.

Johnson has the kinds of problems that a gym membership or promotion won't fix. In very rare situations—like Johnson's—a New Year's Resolution calls for faking one's own death, moving out of the country, and assuming a new identity. #85 just needs to start over.

You and Andrew Bynum will probably spend the first couple weeks of January "ripping up" a spinning class and putting in "extra time" at the squat rack. And, by mid February, you'll both be back to slugging six packs and feasting on deep dish. Andrew Bynum is treating his contract year like a personal affront to his own health, looking overweight and recently tweaking his knee injury while bowling. Pathetic.

You know why people bowl? Because it's almost impossible to get hurt. It's like flag football for elderly cigarette addicts. Unless the seven-footer has a violent, Pete Weber-like follow through, dude needs to get his ass in the gym. There's a lot at stake for Bynum, whose personal worth will be determined by a group of NBA GMs who will spend this summer bidding on his services. Right now, he looks worthless.

Bobby Petrino slinks through coaching jobs with the stench and trustworthiness of expired mayonnaise. Less than six months after signing a 10-year/$25.6M deal with Louisville, he accepted an NFL head coaching job with Atlanta. Then, he bailed on the Falcons in the middle of the season to coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. Then, he hired an attractive volleyball player thirty years his junior to serve as a "development coordinator." Then, he began dating her behind his wife's back. This guy's like Dave Navarro with a headset.

It's not easy to embarrass the University of Arkansas. The place is basically a truck stop with a quad. But earlier this year, Petrino crashed his motorcycle with said hot co-ed riding passenger, lied about being alone, and then forced himself out of a job after it was discovered that he'd given a Christmas gift of $20,000 to his jumpoff. Whoops. Disgraced, humiliated, and likely bleeding internally, Petrino's now coaching the vaunted Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at a quarter of his former salary. Dude would be wise to spend some Saturday nights at the crib in 2013.

According to Sports Illustrated, 78-percent of NFL players are close to or are in bankruptcy within two years of their retirement. While Warren Sapp grabbed headlines in '12 for reportedly blowing through $60M in career earnings, he's not the only baller who should consider mutual funds and stocks over Bugatti's and Cartier watches.

Sapp claims such dividend yielding investments as a lion skin rug, some 240 pairs of Jordan brand sneakers, and six children by five different women. Sapp's first order of business in 2013 should be a Costco membership and trade in for, like, a Toyota Echo or something.