Why Your Team Won’t Win Super Bowl LVI

Before the NFL Playoffs start, we're here to curb the enthusiasm of every fan base that made the postseason and envisions winning Super Bowl LVI Feb. 13.

Tom Brady Referee Jets Bucs 2022

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY - JANUARY 02: Tom Brady #12 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers speaks to an official after a play in the first quarter of the game against the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium on January 02, 2022 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Tom Brady Referee Jets Bucs 2022

Get hyped all you want that your squad’s in the dance, one of 14 teams that ended up being good enough to qualify for the NFL playoffs and, should they win enough games, potentially earns a chance to attain immortality in Super Bowl LVI. 

But I’m here to throw cold water on your good vibes and do my very best to curb your enthusiasm before the best football of the year kicks off next weekend. 

Because for all the reasons NFL observers can rationalize why this team or that team has the best chance of raising the Vince Lombardi Trophy in Los Angeles at SoFi Stadium Sunday, Feb. 13—or wherever the big game ends up being played, since the pandemic just won’t let any of us live our best lives—I can point out at least one big reason why it ain’t going to happen.

Sure, having the (likely) regular-season MVP under center should mean winning the Super Bowl is light work, but I have a stat that proves otherwise. No. 1 seeds have an overwhelmingly easier path to getting to the big game, but if you do some research, there’s a big reason why you can eliminate the top team in the AFC from serious Super Bowl consideration. And while it’s awesome having one of the most explosive offenses in all of football, what good is it when you have a coach who manages the clock worse than 99 percent of Madden players? 

I think you get what we’re going for with this one. Fourteen teams, one reason each why they won’t win Super Bowl LVI, from stupid distractions to curses to quirky statistics. Let the record show we warned you it was fait accompli for your favorite squad. 



Mike Vrabel Derrick Henry Titans 2021


Patrick Mahomes Chiefs Bengals 2022


Bills Mafia 2021 Halloween


Joe Burrow Bengals Chiefs Sack 2022


Keisen Nixon Raiders Chargers 2022


Mac Jones Damien Harris Patriots 2022


Ben Roethlisberger Ravens Steelers Baltimore 2022


Aaron Rodgers Packers Vikings 2022


Antonio Brown Super Bowl 2021


Mike McCarthy Dak Prescotte Preseason 2021


Odell Beckham TD Dance Rams Vikings 2021


Kliff Kingsbury Challenge Cardinals 2021


Jimmy Garoppolo Rams 49ers 2022


Rodney McLeod Eagles WFT 2022

Latest in Sports