Just how dumb is Batman V Superman? The action proper opens with a retelling of Man Of Steel’s finale, only from Bruce Wayne’s POV. In the midst of the destruction of Metropolis, he calls his employees at the Wayne Towers skyscraper and tells them to get the F- out of there. But the guy who answers doesn’t have a clue what’s going on, and then turns around in comedy fashion to look out the window and pulls a comedy “Wooooah!” face, somehow oblivious to destruction going on literally next door. He’s an idiot. It’s meant to be powerful and affecting, but really it’s just unintentionally hilarious.
That sets the tone for the whole movie: utter stupidity presented with unwavering seriousness. And no one, not the audience, nor the characters, or even the screenwriters, have time to notice how stupid it is. The biggest problem with Man Of Steel was that it was dull and ponderous. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice does not have that problem. The film has far too many characters and tried to do far too much, but the advantage of that is that it is never boring. Frequently stupid and illogical and pointless, but never boring. Batman (Ben Affleck) thinks Superman (Henry Cavill) is a threat and wants to take him out. Clark Kent wants to stop this mysterious vigilante in Gotham he keeps hearing about. Lois Lane is involved with a government conspiracy that doesn’t really go anywhere. Congress are investigating what to do about Superman. Batman is also investigating Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg). Lex Luthor himself is chasing some alien technology. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) keeps appearing, but not really doing much. All of these things lead to a lot of cool visuals and set-pieces, but none of it comes together in any cohesive way.
There’s a scene early on, where Batman is suddenly out in the desert for no reason, wearing a goddamn combat jacket over his costume, fighting soldiers with ‘S’ logos and shooting people with machine guns. It turns out it’s just a dream sequence, and it has literally no bearing on the plot. But the scene is great, and Batman looks so, so sick in that jacket. That’s kind of the attitude of the whole film. Why is this happening? Er, dunno. But does it look cool? Hell yeah! It’s kind of like your four-year-old nephew, playing with his action figures, and telling you “And then Batman did this, and Superman fired his eye beams, and Wonder Woman is there now, and..., and..., and....” Adorable? Yes. Good storytelling? Definitely not.
Sadly though, there’s a nasty undercurrent to it all, which just kind of takes the edge off the enjoyment. The character of Batman is actually really horrible. He’s a reactionary jerk who tortures and brands sex offenders with a hot iron. Superman is dumb and ineffectual. And the film wants these people to be our heroes. Zack Snyder is the eternal smartass 14-year-old boy, thinking that just by adding horrible things that happen in real life it elevates your material to be mature and adult—where as actually if you have nothing to say, it is just exploitative. If you think you need to give Batman his own Bat-Branding Iron to scar rapists with, you seriously need to rethink your attitude to superheroes. And when there are suicide bombers and 9/11 imagery evoked, the same week as the events in Brussels, it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
That jacket Batman wears tho — pure fire.
