True Swagger: Who Has The Best Game On "True Blood"?

Which of Bon Temps' single fellas has the game it takes to land the girl?

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Jason Stackhouse

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5. Jason Stackhouse

Poor Jason. With no supernatural powers (as of yet) and an abnormally low IQ to boot, he was bound to be the underdog of the True Blood bachelors. The only things he really has going for him are six-pack abs and a shiny deputy's badge. Women dig both of those, but neither has prevented the ladies from putting him under lock and key, literally. The guy has been tied to the bed and left for dead not once, but twice—first, by a vengeful booty call in Season 1, and most recently by his werepanther boo Crystal, who lead a procreation gang rape of him in the hopes of making some (slightly less) retarded werepanther babies.

Hey, everyone has made bad calls in their love life, but Jason's squirrel brain (Gotta get a nut! Gotta get a nut!) shows exceptionally poor judgment. Having tangled with married women, earth-hugging V-addicts, and white trash werepanthers, we think Jason might just be better off just taking a break from the game for awhile. But wait, can you clear a head that is already blank?

Sam Merlotte

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4. Sam Merlotte

For a guy who once desperately sought after Sookie and wasted all his time trying to hide his dirty thoughts from her, Sam has made quite the comeback. Sure, one of his women tried to use him for her plot to end the world, and yeah, one or two others have deceitfully pursued him just to get close enough to rob or murder him, but look, women are all crazy. What do you expect?

Despite a tumultuous start, Sam's pimp game is starting to look pretty sharp in Season 4. As the owner of what seems to be Bon Temps' only bar and grill, Merlotte's, Sam is practically a local celebrity. All the women in town know who he is, and are aware that, at the very least, Sam will be able to provide them with a free dinner or two. If a sugar daddy isn't what they're looking for, Sam has a dirty secret that will definitely get her hot: He's an animal in the sack. Seriously, he's a shifter who can literally hit it doggystyle.

Of course, Sam, who's been increasingly volatile and blunt when he's pissed off, isn't exactly what you'd call a sweet talker, and not every woman can deal with a guy who runs naked in the woods at night. Fortunately for him, his newest hookup, sexy schoolteacher Luna (Janina Gavankar, who appears in our June/July issue), is a fellow shifter down for a scantily clad midnight frolic too, so it's all good.

Alcide Herveaux

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3. Alcide Herveaux

Alcide might seem to fill the requisite beefy simpleton role pretty comfortably, but there is more to his hustle than meets the eye. While Eric and Bill duke it out like territorial frat boys over Sookie, Alicide keeps a low profile and plays the supportive savior role. He racks up countless pimp points behind the scenes, taking on vamps, weres, and even his evil ex for her, and does it all shirtless. It's a sneaky move, but you have to respect it.

Alcide never makes any direct plays for Sookie's attention, and instead chooses to play it cool and coy, even when she makes it clear she's down to take it to the next level, like the time she said that being alone is "the last thing" that she wants, and he pulled away and nochalantly replied, "Let me put on a shirt." Who says that when a vulnerable chick is trying to put the moves on them? It kinda makes us think Alcide is saving his chips for a rainy day with Sookie, and the cash-in looks like it will be pretty sweet.

On the other hand...scratch the whole waiting for the big pay out thing. If we had a women like Sookie seductively drawling, "If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you," while pushing up against us, you can be damn sure we wouldn't be walking away. You better be making some big moves this season, Alcide, because sleeping on an opportunity like that would be unforgivable fail.

Bill Compton

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2. Bill Compton

We have to give credit where it's due, so we'll admit, Bill's get-the-girl approach when it came to landing Sookie, Bon Temps' most desirable lady, was pretty on point. He played that gentleman card with admirable expertise, but as of the end of last season, he's been slackin' on his pimpin'. The once indefectible Bill has fallen off pretty hard, and we don't want to tell the King of Louisiana what to do, but we strongly recommend he re-vamp his technique in Season 4.

At his best, Bill is a cool and calculated go-getter. He schemed hard to create a damsel-in-distress scenario that he could dominate when he and Sookie first met, and when Eric threatened to expose Bill's dirty secret on Season 3's finale, he ended up in a vat of cement. The lesson here? Bill's contrived attempts at winning Sookie's affection know no bounds. In fact, if we didn't know better, we'd guess that the latest scenario where Sookie walks in just as his new girl is buttoning up her shirt is less accident and more a ploy to rile up Sookie's territorial jealousies. Yet another bold move, Bill. 

If we're going to give Bill his props, we must also call him out for crying bloody, vampire tears every time Sookie leaves him. Pull yourself together, Compton. Whiny vampires don't get the girl. And, we're no experts over here, but we're pretty sure landing your girl in the hospital (even by accident) is never a good look (see: Chris Brown). Our suggestion? Reel in the pathetic, overly emotional outbursts, reclaim your backbone and refrain from feeding on Sookie like she's a superbowl spread. That should get you on your way to giving Alcide and Eric a run for their money again, and away from garnering reactions like this from the ladies ever again. Oh, and if you're worried about sleeping with your great great great great granddaughter—as Bill should have been when dipping his fishing rod in the shallow Bon Temps gene pool—maybe look for love in another county.

Eric Northman

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1. Eric Northman

Eric Northman is the man—there is no denying that. He saunters around town like he's a god, and he practically is. A badass viking turned even badder vampire sheriff? That has chick magnet written all over it. And, as if he needed any extra help, he heads the most popular fangbanger joint in town, so he can literally have his pick of blood types on any night of the week. But he does have an Achilles' heel: a certain faerie named Sookie. While we rarely see Eric shaken, it's Sookie's coquettish antics that have the rare ability to seriously throw him off his game.

One tactic that can never be overvalued is getting a previous conquest to sing your praises, as Pam does, telling Sookie that her maker "pulls good string." Obvious sexual implications aside, this testimonial also implies that Eric can effortlessly manipulate a woman into giving him what he wants. But Sookie already knows about that, since Northman turned her no into a yes in a matter of seconds. Yeah, he's that good.

While Eric's staggering cockiness might get the ladies hot and bothered, it's the same "stop at nothing to get what I want" mentality that occasionally leads him to make some misguided moves, and sends the creep-o-meter off the charts. Randomly sneaking into Sookie's bedroom just as she steps out of the shower? That's not hollerin', Eric, that's harassment. And buying her house just to get into her crib and hopefully her pants? Are you really that desperate, dude? Eric's approach could certainly use some tweaking, especially if he ever plans on making it out of Sookie's dreams and into her pants anytime soon.

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