Image via Complex Original
When you were a child, your whole life revolved around snacks. When was the next one coming? Would it involve a chore, like finishing some stupid green vegetable? Or robbing the smallest kid sitting near you at lunch of his Dunkaroos? Life was a constant struggle.
Now that you're grown, you have unfettered access to every dessert ever created. But the kicker? Most of the old favorites have been pulled from shelves. All that's left are inferior replacements. Some snacks you never get over.
Like these: 25 Junk Foods We Wish Still Existed.
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
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The Nintendo Cereal System
Maker: Ralston Cereals
Peak Popularity: Late 1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
Mario has his 'shrooms, and we had Nintendo cereal. Not content to be simply a "breakfast cereal," this was a breakfast "system" that was one part Mario and one part Zelda. The Zelda half contained berry-flavored protective gear and weaponry like shields and boomerangs; Mario opted to eat Koopa Troopas and Bowsers. After swallowing your enemies for breakfast, you were ready to take on anything the day threw your way. Come at me, bro!
Cheez Balls
Maker: Kraft Foods
Peak Popularity: Mid-1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
Doodles and puffs can't compare to the neon orange balls. Easily tossed back, and with a delicious artificial cheesiness that would've made Taylor Swift envious, Cheez Balls left a permanent stain on our fingers, and our hearts.
Keebler Tato Skins
Maker: Keebler
Peak Popularity: Late 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
These crispy potato-skin-chips gave those Friday's Potato Skins you only order when you're drunk a firm kick in the balls. First, Keebler understood realism, and so one side was dark and the other was light—like a real potato. Second, Fridays serves theirs as an appetizer, while Keebler's version stood in for an entire meal with flavors like "Steak and Potatoes." Third, and it shouldn't have to come to this, but fine—Tato Skins were made by elves.
Mr. T Cereal
Maker: Quaker
Peak Popularity: Early 1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
No one could afford T's bling, but his cereal was for the people. Essentially Alpha Bits if the machine broke and only produce the letter T, Mr. T Cereal was most remarkable for the bad-ass stickers.
Gatorgum
Maker: Pepsi Co.
Peak Popularity: Late 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
While all the lames were quenching their thirst with juice boxes and water, you chewed entire slabs of this intense, orange (or lemon-lime) flavored gum. Sold in sporting goods stores, you convinced Mom to buy some so you could conquer the Physical Fitness test. The flavor didn't last, but your Sit-N-Reach record? It will last forever.
Magic Middles
Maker: Keebler
Peak Popularity: Late 1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
We get goosebumps thinking about Magic Middles. And no, it's not because we're reading Goosebumps. It's because the soft cookie surrounding the spot of fudge is a junk food grail. It didn't take Elf Einstein, from the commercials, to convince us that these cookies were genius.
Oreo O's
Maker: Post
Peak Popularity: Early 2000s
Watch a classic commercial here
The urge to take your own life after finishing a sleeve of Oreos (the serving size is only three) is real. Fortunately, this cereal alleviated the creme-induced guilt by turning the cookie into a breakfast food. There was also the allure of the Creme-filling Man, the cereal's Casper-like mascot. Bring it all back to us.
WWF Superstars of Wrestling Ice Cream Bars
Maker: Gold Bond Ice Cream
Peak Popularity: Late 1980s
When the ice cream man rolled through the neighborhood, this was the go-to, an ice cream novelty that choke-slammed Drumsticks. Why put an ice cream sandwich on a stick? Because it was more hardcore. It was so hardcore, it had a wrestler's face stamped into, like a coin. Wrestlers were the currency of cool in 5th grade.
Butterfinger BB's
Maker: Nestlé
Peak Popularity: Mid-1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
Bart Simpson's iconic commercials for this Butterfinger/Whopper hybrid made it clear that the crunchy peanut-butter balls were weapons, in addition to flavor-delivery spheres. We were always looking for an excuse to have a food fight.
Hi-C Ecto Cooler
Maker: Minute Maid
Peak Popularity: Late 1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
Ever since we saw Bill Murray take some green plasm to the face, we've wanted to find out just how good bustin' feels. Thanks to Ecto Cooler, we found out firsthand. What did a citrus drink have to do with a slimy ghost? Not a damn thing. That's the open secret of most of the junk food and drinks marketed at children.
French Toast Crunch
Maker: General Mills
Peak Popularity: Late 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
How else to put this? Mom was lazy, and we weren't allowed to turn on the stove. Thus, this was the closest we could get to an egg-soaked slice of bread, fried in butter and then doused with maple syrup. Tasting it now would revive warm feelings of early childhood. Also, neglect.
Crispy M&M's
Maker: Mars, Inc.
Peak Popularity: Early 2000s
Kit-Kats would've been so much easier to ear if they'd been round spheres painted in bright colors. Thank you Mars, for realizing this and blessing the world with Cripsy M&M's. But why would you take them away from us? Why?
Snapple Pie
Maker: Dr. Pepper Snapple Group
Peak Popularity: Early 2000s
Picking apples is for for lames, or people in positive relationships. But drinking apple pie? Sign us up. This limited-edition flavor borrowed some of Willy Wonka's steez, tasting like a warm slice of apple pie, crust and all. It could also be converted to a hot punch with rum and a microwave.
Crystal Pepsi
Maker: Pepsi Co.
Peak Popularity: Early 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
Trippy, mane: a soft drink that was clear, like Sprite, but tasted like Pepsi. Can't put a price on simple tricks. Or maybe you can: a single 16 oz. bottle of this classic is selling for $100 on eBay.
Taco Bell Lunchables
Maker: Oscar Mayer
Peak Popularity: Late 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
Long before we were frequenting the Taco Bell drive-thru at 3 a.m., we were taking these to school. These D.I.Y. tacos and nachos were built by taking a tortilla (or a chip), topping it with beef product, and smearing it with a packet of red sauce. Yes, we said packet. All Packets Everything. It also came with a mini Capri Sun—bonus points, even if they were a real pain to open. Just call one of the lunch aides.
Four Loko
Maker: Phusion Projects
Peak Popularity: Late 2000s
You're thinking: How is this junk food? Have you ever met a college student? This was as essential as Ramen and frozen pizza for a bright, shining semester. This tallboy combined two of our favorite things: caffeine and malt liquor. Gone were the days of shotgunning and funneling. For the rest of our days, we'll scour bodegas, looking for the original recipe.
Berry Berry Kix
Maker: General Mills
Peak Popularity: Early 1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
The tiny, near-flavorless balls of corn that are Kix became something special when peppered with saccharine-dusted berry shapes. You could trick yourself into eating the way Mom wanted you to. And it made your milk taste like blueberries. Can this be life?
Zima
Maker: Coors Brewing Company
Peak Popularity: Mid-1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
What would high school parties have been without Zima? Long before people were getting "iced" with Smirnoff, Zima's Sprite-like flavor took us to the stars—that is, second base. Would it still work with the women of today? We can't know unless it's returned to shelves!
E.T. cereal
Maker: General Mills
Peak Popularity: Mid-1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
You couldn't kick it with a young Drew Barrymore (because you didn't have enough blow), but you could pretend with a big bowl of E.T. cereal in front of you. Sure, it looked like extraterrestrial excrement, but that chocolate/peanut butter flavor (E.T. was ride or die for Reese's Pieces) was worth getting abducted for.
Squeezit
Maker: General Mills
Peak Popularity: Mid-1980s
Watch a classic commercial here
If you don't know remember Squeezits, there are probably other things from your childhood you've repressed that you need to look into. The fluorescent-colored liquid in soft plastic bottles were the literal and figurative bright spot of the school lunch bag, despite the messy tag line. "Squeeze the fun out of it?" To experience the "mystery flavor?" Nah. We're good.
P.B. Crisps
Maker: Planters
Peak Popularity: Mid-1990s
Watch a classic commercial here
Just so there's no confusion: We're not okay with Nutter Butters. This was our preference, the only peanut butter cookie for us, full of creamy goo. And though Nutter Butters put on a good show of affecting the outline of a peanut, the P.B. Crisps were like 3D models of real peanuts. The should end the debate.
St. Ides Freeze 'n' Squeeze
Maker: McKenzie River Brewing Co.
Peak Popularity: Late 1990s
Ice Cube once claimed that a single malted St. Ides beverage could "get your girl in the mood quicker" and "get your Jimmy thicker." Word. But Cube also should've name-checked the short-lived "special brew" popsicle that time has all but forgotten.
St. Ides Freeze 'n' Squeeze were given a test run in New York markets, but were later pulled because of ambiguous packaging that seemed to be marketing the alcoholic ice pop to children. Shucks.
The Reggie
Maker: Wayne Candies Inc.
Peak Popularity: Late 1970s
Watch a classic commercial here
Mr. October had a moment when his likeness was used to cover a "chocolaty" caramel and peanut candy bar. These circular disks spurned the rectangular shape used by others "bars," and were a home run. Which is more than we'd be able to say about an A-Rod bar, which would taste like egotism, Madonna's sweat, and shame.
Pepsi Blue
Maker: Pepsi Co.
Peak Popularity: Early 2000s
Watch a classic commercial here
Coke will forever trump Pepsi. This works out, though, because it gives Pepsi a lane to pull ridiculous stunts like making cotton candy-flavored Sprite and calling it Pepsi Blue. Gotta keep the marketplace exciting.
3D Doritos
Maker: Frito-Lay
Peak Popularity: Mid-2000s
Watch a classic commercial here
FOH, one dimensional, triangular Doritos. These bloated snacks took up more surface area in your mouth, and had a hollow center filled with cheese-flavored air. Do you know how ridiculous that is? Part of the appeal of junk food is the weird ingenuity, and in terms of sheer craziness, 3D Doritos are tough to top. Also, it didn't hurt that Ali Landry starred in the advertisements.