Image via Complex Original
Gaming characters represent everything we wish we could be, but let’s face it: most of them didn’t get a college education. So what happens when they lose their current jobs? An undergrad degree isn’t necessarily an indicator of intelligence or success, but in this job market most employers are going to be sticklers for that diploma (and don’t forget the alumni network). In celebration of March Madness, then, we’re examining where 10 of our favorites would likely enroll after their franchises are finally run into the ground. Why are we doing this? Because our NCAA bracket’s gone to hell and we’re bored.
Oh, and because Princess Peach never got the college experience, and she DESERVES it.
By Ryan Woo
Bayonetta (Bayonetta): UC Berkeley
What’s the only college in the US that would accept an application in which the "Describe Yourself" section contains the phrase “witch who slaughters angels”? Let’s think about that one for a secBERKELEY. Aside from the progressive nudists preaching about left-wing Wiccan political issues, there’s also the creepy-ass woods surrounding the campus and dorms. Last time we walked near those trees, we saw the Blair Witch playing beer pong on a TA’s carcass.
Ezio Auditore (Assassin's Creed II/Brotherhood): University of Texas, Austin
There’s no better place for our favorite hashashin to disappear than UT-Austin. Given his propensity to blend in, we figure the best college for him would be the one that has a dorm (Jester Hall) bigger than New York (the state, not the city, although we’re including NYC). He could happily lose himself in the giant (50,000 strong) student body, and never have to say a word...until he stabs you in the back with a chopstick and takes five packs of your instant ramen and your last dubsack.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider Series): Bryn Mawr
By the time Lara's done with her last game (whenever that is), she’ll be sick of having been sexually exploited for years, only to then be Dark Knight-ed in order to be taken seriously...despite the fact that she’s actually still being exploited. Even though no one faps to her anymore, she’ll have had enough with all the creepy herbs ogling her and her IRL standins at tradeshows and cons. So, Bryn Mawr it is.
But the real reason she’s going is that, unbeknownst to most people, Bryn Mawr has a beastly archaeology program. OK, that’s not the real reason she’s going either; she’s also tired of grabbing old junk out of caves and then getting shot by a bunch of international dickheads because THEY want that old junk MOAR. No, she’s just tired of being a sex symbol. And what better way to lose those pervy stares than wymyns' studies?
Marcus Fenix (Gears Of War Series): Wartburg College
We can only judge from what we’ve seen in Gears, but from that evidence we’ll have to assume that Fenix is headed to Wartburg College. Where the fuck is Wartburg, you ask? Well, it’s where the local meatheads and the three 18-year-old girls in Iowa who aren’t pregnant/married go for secondary education. You didn’t expect Mr. “SUCK PAVEMENT” to go to MIT, did you? Not even out of irony.
The thing is, Wartburg has a solid liberal arts program, but of course Marcus would be trying to walk on to their football team, which isn’t too shabby for a D3. He might seem a little old, but that didn't stop this guy!
Samus Aran (Metroid Series): University of Tokyo
Having been raised by the Chozo (lolz, that sounds like “chorizo” or “cholo” #uglyamerican), Samus has a uniquely broad and intergalactic perspective. She travels across galaxies to shoot people in the face—which is coincidentally how she’d pay for tuition. It just makes sense that she’d end up at the University of Tokyo rather than the typical American university.
Link (Legend of Zelda Series): Brown
A liberal arts student’s dream, Brown University is the perfect place for Link. There isn’t one single consistent story or character arc for Link, so fanboys/girls have ended up creating their own speculative stories. Likewise, Brown is known for allowing students to craft their own pedagogical fanfic in the guise of independent studies.
It all works out fine, until Link ends up transferring to Bryn Mawr, thus confirming everyone’s suspicions about something that even Nintendo fanboys admit (and maybe even wish for, sqeeeeeee!).
Fat Princess (Fat Princess): UCLA
We were gonna say that she’d go to Syracuse, but we just found out that she’s already enrolled at UCLA.
Nathan Drake (Uncharted Series): Duke
Yup, Duke. Nathan’s not a racist or anything, but he’s probably tired of getting shot at by minorities, like those generic Asian pirates from the first game. White people never shoot anything (other than heroin), so Duke is probably in the safest place possible. Crash taught us everything we need to know about sociological race issues, and Drake probably watched it during a flight to, like, Cambodia, before getting shot at.
Really, Drake is an Abercrombie and Fitch birthday cake with Tom Brady icing and Kennedy Family sprinkles on top. How the hell would he possibly wear any sweatshirt that DOESN’T have “DUKE” printed on the front?
Tommy Vercetti (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City): USC
Tommy's gonna be Tommy, even after he retires from GTA. And If you’ve ever had any exposure to The Row at USC, then you’d know that it, uh, ”snows” a lot there. Like, a LOT. Tommy could set up a whole new empire and pay for four years’ worth of tuition in like three days.
Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros. Series): Arizona State
OMG, ASU! Seriously, was there ANY other option for Peach besides getting accepted into ASU, getting roofied during Spring Break at Lake Havasu, and subsequently getting kidnapped and then waking up in the dorm room of some guy named Brody?
...And of course, this was EXACTLY what she had been hoping for (ask Bowser, it's a fetish).