The 25 Most Ridiculous Homeless Person Signs
If you appreciate creativity, you will pay these people.
Image via Complex Original
Lead
Unfortunately, all major cities house the homeless (we say unfortunately because we want them to have homes—we're not so cold-blooded that we want them pushed into the river or anything like that). But only some homeless individuals are bringing their A game to the business of sign making.
Complex would give all of these people money, because each carries one of the 25 Most Ridiculous Homeless Person Signs.
Lohan
25. U.S.A. Hero
America doesn't help her veterans. This is Exhibit A.
Wheelchair
24. And the World Laughs with You
Get it? He has no legs. Hilarious!
Vegan
23. And the World Laughs at You
It's ridiculous that this vegan even took the time to write "very hungry." You're wasting ink, kid. You should have drank the contents of your marker; probably it contains no animal products.
Beer Pot Hooker
22. The Originator
It's become a cliche, the "Why Lie? I Need a Beer" sign (Jada has bars about it—that's how you know it's trite), but this man scores points for asking for everything; he wants the world. That, combined with the grainy texture of the photo and his clothes suggest that he's also a pioneer. He probably had this sign way before all the other bums. Salute.
Van
21. No, You Are Not
Last time we checked, a van would put a roof over your head. Coward.
Mugging You
20. A Question and an Answer
Yeah, because you're fat. And we'll outrun you. You've got a skull on your pants. Get a grip.
Short on Ransom
19. Such a Bargain
Somewhere there is a middle-class white male writing a graduate thesis on the kidnapping trope in homeless signs.
Santa
18. Hardest Working Man in Civilian Clothes
A sign/performance so effective, it put the Salvation Army out of business.
Rainy Hell
17. Truth
This is just credible, which, in a world of homeless craziness, is ridiculous.
Puffy Crazy Spacemanpurrp
16. The Astronaut's Wife
He came from the future to give us more plastic drug store bags. Where's Jean-Claude "Timecop" Van Damme when you need him?
I Hate Jesus
15. The Boldness
He said it, not us.
"Help"
14. The Wackness
There's the little star, for one thing, as if the sign received approval from an elementary school teacher ("Great job, Bummie—your row gets to go to soup kitchen recess five minutes early today!"), but what really makes this sign ridiculous is the quotation marks around HELP. Real talk: it is fucking ridiculous how people misuse quotation marks.
Fuck You
13. The Realness
The scene finds completion in the tiny form of that child lingering at the edge of the frame. Truly, the "fuck you" of an angry bum is meant for the entire planet. Tupac back. Just this tie-dyed hobo against the world.
Photo Bomb
12. Like the Firebombing of Dresden
The genius lies in the composition. If he wasn't photo-bombing these posing girls, we wouldn't be impressed. But he is, so he gets a whistle and a shiny nickel.
Falafel
11. Left Turn
And then it's like, "OH SHIT, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA SLANT-RHYME 'PADDLE' WITH 'FALAFEL.'" You thought that too, right?
16 Wives
10. The Polygamist
This man has so many dreams—many of them realized, by the look of those stats—but he knows only money will buy the rest. It's also wonderful how the lower half of his face is obscured by the sign.
Ninjas
9. No. They Didn't.
Our curiosity is peaked by the illustrations of the ninjas on the lower portion of the cardboard, too. They don't look like ninjas. Which means this guy might be a liar. We're organizing a ninja star line-up to find out.
Negro Pizza
8. Is It Okay to Cry Now?
"United Negro Pizza Fund."
It bears repeating.
Hippie's Beard
7. Walk on the Homeless Side
He's a smug fuck, this guy. But he makes one helluva sign. However, the true test of the sign's effectiveness would be any figure on the success rate of his proposition. How many pairs of thighs have felt the tickle of his beard? He's got a sign for that somewhere. You can see it in his eyes.
Britney's Sister's Baby
6. He Only Wants to Help
Who is this man? Why doesn't he write jokes for Community? He shows up a few times on this list. Because he wants it more than most bums. He's eaten out of the garbage can but now he writes classic jokes with a gilded pen, and we should thank him appropriately. This bum's wearing a crown over here. Let's back up a dump truck full of money and porno mags onto him, and bury him. Bury him a G.
Cheese Doodles
5. Pay This Man
This may or may not be the man who wants to give gifts to Britney's sister's baby, the man we fondly think of as the King. You know what, let's just say he's him. That dump truck we were going to fill with money and girlie mags? We're adding his favorite snack to the mix. Eat them till you OD, brother. We'll hold your orange-stained fingers while you expire in a pool of real junkie sweat. We'll ask our favorite ladies to tattoo your fucking signs on their chests so you'll know it's real.
Bounced Checks
4. Look How They Do His Life
There's a special place in hell for the sonofabitch that writes a check he/she knows damn well will bounce and then hands it to a homeless person. Amen, Beardo—put those pricks on blast.
Cups
3. Homeless Simulacrum
He's figured out the homeless hustle so thoroughly that he's made it postmodern. We will call him Meta-Bum.
Molestation
2. Molest Him, Please
Too late, kids—we just bought the URL for whosyourdaddy.com/spankmeharderorgasm. It cost us more than your dad's life insurance policy is gonna pay out.
Rock Through Window
1. This Is What Innovation Looks Like
If we were him, we'd have changed "rock" to "rat" but overall we're onboard with his steez.