Kendra Wilkinson has revealed she wasn't in a state of mourning when her ex and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died in 2017.
In an exclusive interview with PEOPLE, Wilkinson explained what she was going through when Hefner died and how she was unpacking all the trauma she experienced while living at the Playboy mansion. According to the 38-year-old, she had no responsibility in protecting Hefner and realized how damaging the relationship was.
"I smoked a lot of weed," she said. "Look, at the end of the day, I owe Hef nothing. I'm not going to sit here and protect him. Hugh Hefner decided to date millions of girls, right? That's not my responsibility. And whatever happened with him, with his relationships, that was his thing. It's not my responsibility to protect a man for his life choices."
She continued, "I got into deep regret [afterwards]. I got to that point where I started hating myself [and asking], 'Why did I have sex with Hugh Hefner?' I hated my boobs, my body, my face. I got to that point where I started hating myself."
Wilkinson was hospitalized and diagnosed with anxiety and depression and placed on antipsychotic medication in September, telling the outlet it wasn't "easy to look back at my 20s" while admitting Playboy ruined her life. She also stated people were asking her to defend Hefner from all the sexual assault allegations levied against him.
"Do you know how many people were putting pressure on me to stick up for Hef with all his allegations and all this stuff," she added. "That's not my responsibility to stick up for someone like that. That's what started triggering me because people were like, 'Well, why don't you stick up for him?' And I had a marriage to my ex-husband and now two kids to focus on now, not Hugh Hefner."
Wilkinson continued to say that she's no longer letting Hefner or that relationship dictate the course of her life. No matter how much she tried to separate herself from the company, she couldn't do that until she faced the reality of her issues with Playboy.
"Hef kept appearing in my life and there were times where I wanted to stop that. I'm, like, 'Hef's not a part of my life anymore. Can we not include Hef in my life moving forward?'" she said. "He was five years of my life. He's not my life. So there were times where I kept trying to part ways with Playboy and it just kept following me through time. I had to really face the truth of it all."
