HOME 5W33T HOME: The 25 Worst Video Game Cities To Live In

Fallujah’s probably not the best place to live in real life, regardless of season, let alone within a video game. So for the purposes of this list, we kept all the cities and lands fictional.

And when it comes to cities and lands, my realtor used to always extol the three oldest real estate clichés around: Location, Location… then a zombie bit his face off, but I’m assuming the third point was going to be Location.

And if Location is the answer, then these places are asking all the wrong questions.

Alternating between utter desolation and mutant infestation, these cities go from leaky, post-apocalyptic rusted metal hovels in which you’d be lucky to find so much as a matchbook to perfectly intact, well-supplied warehouses full of random weaponry, ammunition, and exploding barrels.

RELATED: Green Label - The 10 Fictional Locations We Want to Visit in Real Life

You’re ruled by a tyrannical king and the land is rife with STDs. And by all appearances, the distribution of wealth among the general populace would make Oliver look like Daddy Warbucks.

The Calamity destroyed the world, and the land now consists of indeterminate, spontaneously generated floating tiles above an isometric abyss. The Bastion is now over run with smoke monsters, and there’s a bluesy black man narrating your every move.

A cramped, dirty hovel of a city. Boring, dice-based, holographic gambling in the street. Whole place looks like it was designed by an amateur steampunk fetishist.

All the animals have been turned into robots, and Chaos emeralds have been placed around the world by an evil robot scientist. Getting to work involves a lot of climbing, since the world’s been constructed with mostly pipes and ramps, catering to a hedgehog whose primary mode of locomotion is running/rolling like a balled-up dervish.

A theme among these cities and lands, The Forbidden Land is completely desolate. Except for a horse, a dead girl, and a little over a dozen collosi seemingly made of grass and stone. Nothing to do except kill bosses.

A beautiful, utterly deserted island full of trap and riddles. The entire place is a little too clever for itself, and you probably have to solve a puzzle involving a flute and a lantern just to open the refrigerator.

Basically just Liberty City with less cars and less powerful weaponry. Death, drunkenness, rape and murder around every corner. And to quote Owen Wilson from Midnight In Paris, “These people don’t have antibiotics.”

Technically a land, not a city, Hyrule still is no place to live. Evil creatures everywhere, rampant abduction, and no matter how many times the elf finds the three triangles, the land always finds a way to get itself in trouble.

Nothing except platforms, lava, and pterodactyls. Eggs flying everywhere. Only transportation option is a dirty ostrich that can’t even fly very well.

Any alternate universe where the robots have actually taken over is never a good place for humans to live. And in this world, the robots are never-ending. And as the distracting, first ever video game human shields, the humans in this world usually suffer a worse fate than most.

Carnivorous flora and tribes of feral humans. Add to that some of the most invective-laced, unfunny attempts at humor you’re likely to find anywhere.

Any city housing this studio can’t be a treat to reside in. Especially with seemingly endless bands of goons roaming around willing to beat the crap out of strangers and “buy that for a dollar.”

Sure, these towns seem to have all the amenities, until you look behind the hedge-maze curtain to find out it’s infested with mutated vermin.

Face suckers. The Combine is harvesting humans. Totalitarian state. And the proliferation of gravity-based environmental puzzles make navigation precarious.

Nothing of any interest to actually do. The city’s full of hucksters and scam artists. And people in animal costumes virtually fornicating in the alleys.

Mutated humans from Scumlabs have turned into either a giant gorilla, giant lizard or giant werewolf and are beating down the buildings. The military’s always around, the creatures eat the people, and when your town’s destroyed it signifies nothing more to anyone than the end of a level.

Some maniac from space is rolling around a giant ball, collecting everything in the city. Even whales and sumo wrestlers aren’t safe.

A town fallen in to disrepair. Mercenaries, strippers in the street, checkpoints that take a long time to load, and what’s worse, zombie prostitutes. It’s enough to make Atlantic City look like San Diego.

The age-old cycle of life: catch fish and insects, sell them to buy more furniture. Tom Nook is a price-gouger. Your roof is ugly. If you don’t pay attention for one day the town’s overrun with weeds. The town’s residents are petty, superficial, solipsistic and easily offended. Not to mention so lazy they won’t return eyeglasses to someone who lives just across town.

Creature- and beast-filled wasteland. Desert and desolation as far as the eye can see. Almost everyone you meet is insane and/or suicidal. Plus it’s early in the game, so chances are you don’t even have cool weapons.

This place was no picnic before the zombie outbreak. Combining the worst aspects of a favela with wandering zombies and strategically-placed, overturned mass transit, Moresby is a place best ran through.

The world’s most zombie-infested city, right ahead of New Orleans and Los Angeles. While the zombies are slow, they’re all the same. The majority of the police force is dead. Any herbs you find can be combined, but only used for healing, not smoked.

The “Green Flu” has taken hold, so if you’re still alive in Fairfield, chances are you’re immune. Which means you’re also one of the few food options left for the Smokers, Boomers, Hunters, Witches and common infected.

Extensive water damage and hordes of meandering junkies. Alcohol and junk food strewn everywhere. Nameless psychopaths in atmospheric pressure suits with a drills for hands who sometimes harvest the children they carry piggyback. The little girls here drink blood.

Nowhere is crime more rampant than Liberty City, home of the world’s most easily distracted police force. Vehicular homicide capital of the world for well over a decade. The place promises “More drama for your mama!” and you could easily be shot in the face or beaten with a bat because of some outfit a bored artist made you wear.