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If there's one thing the human race will never suffer from, it's a shortage of ways to get fucked up. Partying is a practice that dates back to the dawn of time, and one that'll no doubt outlast us all as friends find wilder, crazier, and more creative ways of enjoying one another's company. No one, however, has been quite as ahead of the pack when it comes to unconventional raging as teenagers.
The latest case in point? A slew of recent headlines shocking parents with the question, "Is your teen getting drunk on hand sanitizer?" Apparently, red Solo cups and ping pong balls aren't the only party props you can pick up at CVS.
That said, having to hide the Purell from your kid brother or sister is really the least of your worries. Every couple of months or so, news stations everywhere catch wind of a new "Dangerous Teen Trend!" that makes the last look like child's play. Then again, with reports of kids that can't even getting into an R-rated movie sipping vodka via their eyeballs and passing around bowls of prescription drugs like Cheetos, child's play clearly isn't what it used to be.
Whether the media is causing hysteria over isolated incidents or teenagers really are, in fact, idiots that like to get high off of poop, the list of epidemics taking over schools is as laughable as it is expansive. Get your fix here with our list of The 10 Most Ridiculous "Dangerous Teen Trends."
Written by Lauren Otis (@LaurNado)
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10. I-Dosing
Enya tracks not doing the job of getting you lifted? Not to worry. Those who'd prefer to get high through sound as opposed to the traditional smoke session can seek suppliers online in the form of "I-Dosing" sites.
In 2010, reports flooded the Internet about a new trend of teens downloading "digital drugs," MP3s containing special beats intended to help listeners experience feelings of euphoria or enjoy highs mimicking those of other uppers and hallucinogens, like peyote, cocaine, and so on. Though there's no guarantee that any of these files will actually deliver the giggles you seek, watching 17-year-old dosers freaking out on YouTube while taking virtual trips to the "Gates of Hades" works like a charm every time.
9. Smoking Smarties
Though this better-tasting version of Pez tends to fall off of everyone's radar once Halloween's passed, it became a big source of anxiety for parents back in 2009, when the Wall Street Journal shed light on a weird fad of kids indulging in smoke breaks with the candy. Wanna-be puffers crushed the sugar tablets into powder, and using the cellophane wrappers as bootleg rolling papers, breathed in and exhaled, producing clouds of sugar-smoke.
What better a way to impress shorties from Language Arts class? At least until you end up with nose maggots. Per health experts, they'll hop right into your schnoz to feed on the sugary residue. Not quite the look you were going for, we'd imagine.
8. Bloodsucking
Cock-blocking Robert Pattinson crushes, embarrassing role play suggestions, erotic fantasy novels polluting your crib—the rise of vampire-focused media hasn't been without its consequences these past few years. And that includes warnings to families to keep their eyes peeled for signs that their teen might fall victim to a bloodsucking trend.
It comes as no surprise that love bites have been glamorized by the likes of True Blood, Vampire Diaries, and others, but with that have also apparently come young duos that've taken it to the next level. One MSNBC interview with Consumers Union Medical Advisor Orly Avitzur called attention to a surprising number of teens posting about their blood fiendings on the web, with some even going into detail about their own blood-feasting sessions.
One user raved, "Having that thick, warm copper-tasting blood in my mouth is the best thing I can think of!" We can only hope it was a more satisfying experience than any of her 20 new blood-borne diseases will be.
7. Rainbow Parties
There hasn't actually been any firm proof that these have existed anywhere beyond the realms of hearsay on Oprah, but the world's most influential talk show host still managed to invoke paranoia in plenty of mothers and fathers that their little girls were participating in what sounds like a party game conceived for a Vivid Entertainment flick.
The idea is simple: A couple of guys get some head from a group of girls, all of whom sport different color lipsticks, producing a rainbow on the receiver's wood. According to some reports, the game can also turn into a competition to see whose mark is left closest to the base, showcasing deep-throating abilities—and exceptionally low self-esteem.
6. Hand Sanitizer
Even with the number of recession specials and non-carding bars out there, it can still be tough to get your hands on a cheap drink, especially if you're underage and under five foot. Enter hand sanitizer. A CNN interview with toxicologist Robert Geller revealed that your seemingly innocent cleanser contains 60% ethanol, making it approximately 120-proof.
Who needs Bacardi 151? Apparently not high schoolers. Per further reports from CNN, doctors in California (where the trend first surfaced) have noticed an increase in sanitizer-related cases, and they aren't alone: The American Association of Poison Control Centers revealed that a crazy 622 calls were due to sanitizer incidents, with 203 cases already stacking up alone this year. Better start keeping tabs on your little sister's visits to Bath & Body Works.
5. Sex Bracelets
Yet another way the barely-legal ladies are allegedly letting fellas know they're DTF is by rocking various colored jelly bracelets around their wrists that signify different sexual acts they're willing to engage in, or in which they've already participated.
Further, it's been speculated that if someone is able to snap one of the wearer's bracelets, they're guaranteed the broken bracelet's represented act in exchange. Per reports from Today, this has led to banishment from some schools, though the only place this really seems to be occurring is in newsroom scripts. Maybe we should give the kids a little more credit than that. But only a little.
4. The Choking Game
Apparently it isn't just bored rich folks who are down with this freaky, masochistic move. Teen self-asphyxations have been grabbing media attention in waves over the years as increasing attempts for a natural buzz turn fatal, the most recent being this past December, when the hanging death of a 14-year-old boy from Millbrae, California, was attributed to the game.
Those who still think having the shit choked out of them sounds like a good time would just need to recruit one of their boys to strangle them, then have them release just as they're on the verge of running out of air. Apparently that moment causes a fast flow of oxygen to the brain, resulting in a temporary rush.
Some have referred to it as a method of getting a buzz for those who don't want to dabble in drugs and alcohol. Honestly, kids, just stick with a beer.
3. Butt Chugging
Yes, your eyes aren't deceiving you. Towards the end of 2011, one of the latest means of teens getting twisted, which we were instructed to be on the lookout for, was indeed known as "butt chugging." In December, the Huffington Post called attention to rumors that inserting vodka-soaked tampons into rectums was the trendy new way to hide drinking from parents—or supposedly enjoy quicker, more intense buzzes because of absorption through the membrane walls.
But the fun doesn't end there. A KHPO News broadcast further revealed that cases of alcohol poisoning had also occurred from pint-sized bros funneling beer through their asses. Like downing a case of Keystone isn't already rough.
2. Eyeballing
Anal inebriation isn't extreme enough for you and your crew? Perhaps the comparably bonkers student trend of vodka eyeballing, which seized attention in 2010, is a little more your style. Instead of taking a shot with your lady's Playtex, you'll only need your eyeball and a bottle of your favorite vodka.
To ingest, the "drinker" effectively thrusts the bottle into their eye and pours the liquid into it, which gets absorbed into the system through the mucus membrane. However, that quick buzz can also cause some quick, permanent damage. Unless you want to spend the remainder of your days rocking a pirate patch, it'd best to proceed with caution here. Or just don't do it at all. We prefer the latter option.
1. Jenkem
Excluding that special breed of human who enjoys the smell of horse poop (to us, it's just as bad as any other kind of fecal matter), it's pretty hard to imagine a fad taking flight that involves the huffing of a sexy fermented combo of feces and urine—no matter how desperate you might be for a fix, and even if it was once a thing in Zambia.
That said, it's no wonder that the guy who provided Florida police with the warning of the "new drug threat," which quickly went public, later admitted that it was a hoax, his own photo of fake product consisting of Nutella. Now huffing Nutella, we can understand; if you're feeling sad about missing out on this, though, we're sure you can just chill in a Port-O-Potty for the same effect.