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War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing—unless you're an unimaginative television producer, in which case it aids in the creation of titles for downy soft reality TV shows that have zilch to do with the horrors of armed conflict. Whether a series is about jelly beans or jock straps, simply tack "Wars" on after that noun and you've got a catchy name! Who isn't gonna tune in for Jelly Bean Wars?
One of the few "Wars" series that justifies its usage of the word with actual bloodshed is Animal Planet's Whale Wars, which returns Friday (April 27, 8 p.m.) with the five-part spin-off Whale Wars: Viking Shores, following environmental activist Paul Watson and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society as they attempt to prevent "The Grind," a sanctioned Faroese summer tradition where people drive pilot whales to the shores of the Faroe Islands and slaughter them for their meat until the ocean runs red.
Bloodthirsty, blade-carrying sea folk get a pass, but there are many more suspect series that should be charged with war crimes. It's once more into the breach, dear friends, as Complex runs down 10 Soft Shows That Have "Wars" In The Title.
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
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10. Storage Wars (A&E, 2010-present)
Before Storage Wars, who knew that there were people, called auction hunters, who make a living by bidding on forfeited storage lockers and selling off their contents at swap meets and secondhand stores? In the "high stakes" world of storage auctions, potential buyers have only five minutes to evaluate a unit before bidding against rivals on what may be gems or junk.
We'll give the show this: It may not resemble war in any real way, but the stacks of sticky old porn that are apparently found in eight out of 10 units does qualify as the uglier side of humanity.
9. Parking Wars (A&E, 2008-present)
In every hierarchy there must be a bottom bitch, and of all the beat-walking, badge-wearing, revenue-raising officers in this world, clearly the lowest and most miserable of them all is the parking enforcement agent.
Since 2008, Parking Wars has followed this spiteful and unforgiving lot in Philadelphia, Detroit, and Rhode Island as employees wield what little power they have, ticketing, booting, and towing cars—and, of course, calling real cops when shit gets out of hand. To all the overzealous meter maids of the world, we've got your 12 inches from the curb right here!
10. Design Wars (HGTV, 2011)
Real wars demolish homes with bombs and tank shells. Design Wars tears apart living spaces too, but only in the interest of putting an end to wack interior design. On HGTV's series, three respected designers compete in style challenges and submit plans to spruce up an eyesore area of a family's home. There is, of course, the danger of someone getting seriously hurt (feelings), as elimination has been known to spring leaks in the water works.
7. Sex Wars (MGM Digital Media, 2000-2001)
Hosted by Jennifer Cole and the decidedly Bud Bundy-esque J. D. Roth, this Family Feud-style adult quiz competition pitted teams of three men and three women against each other for a meager cash prize. To win, contestants had to correctly answer inane "battle of the sexes" questions culled from online and pedestrian surveys.
It's amazing that women haven't used the answers to "What are the top 10 kinds of donuts for men?" and "More than likely to return a Christmas present—men or women?" to subjugate all of us swingin' dicks.
6. Bartender Wars (Fine Living Network, 2009)
Based on the idea that bartenders are equal parts mixologists and psychologists, Bartender Wars challenged drink specialists from NYC hot spots like Stone Rose, Socialista, Buddakan, The Peninsula, and W Hotels to see who could create the best cocktails, amass the biggest tips, and get the most digits. Shots were fired, but only down the hatch.
5. Whisker Wars (IFC, 2011-present)
Many men have died at the edge of a sharp blade, but none of them on Whisker Wars. In fact, it's doubtful that any of the men on IFC's series about contestants in the weird and woolly world of competitive facial hair growing have seen a razor in quite some time. And, judging from the many Civil War era beards and waxed mustaches on display, they probably haven't seen many naked and willing women either.
4. Party Wars (Living TV, 2010)
On the UK reality contest Party Wars, four self-absorbed young people organized glittery, booze soaked, dance-fueled festivities in hopes of being crowned host of the best and wildest party. It's like Jersey Shore: The Competition, and after checking out these idiotic revelers we finally understand English people's liberal usage of the word "twat."
3. Wedding Wars (VH1, 2011)
If you're a sucker for love who's going to get hitched, you might as well do it on somebody else's dime, right? That's the central motivation behind VH1's Wedding Wars, where 12 engaged couples dreaming of fancy nuptials compete for prizes like a gourmet wedding cakes, a wedding gown, tuxedos, floral arrangements, a honeymoon package, and the grand prize of a $100,000 destination wedding and $25,000 to start a new life on.
In order to win, love birds endure Survivor-like exile on a remote island where food and water are scarce but there are plenty of bugs and challenges to strain relationships. It's also a precursor to the sadness that is eternal exile on the island of monogamy. Congratulations, newlyweds!
2. Dinner Party Wars (Food Network Canada, 2010-2011)
On this silly Canadian competition for a cookware prize, three couples battle it out over three nights, planning a menu, cooking, setting tables, and keeping the wine and conversation flowing to impress judges who declare one pair the best dinner party hosts. Thanks for the invite, but we're just gonna stay in and get McDelivery.
1. Cupcake Wars (Food Network, 2010-present)
Soft and sweet describes a good cupcake. It also nicely sums up this reality competition, where chef and sous-chef teams vie for $10,000 by baking professional quality treats, playing with various themes and strange ingredients that you'd never imagine chowing down on for dessert (see: oyster cupcakes). As if that weren't soft enough, Cupcake Wars has even crowned a vegan chef! No eggs, butter, or milk? Our animal-product-loving stomachs declare war on that.