Everything Seinfeld Taught Us About the Holiday Season

Tired of the overwhelming commercialism of the holiday? Looking for a way to celebrate all that’s wrong in the world instead? Then create your very own holiday, or opt to partake in Festivus instead. Held on December 23, the now-famous holiday (which was an actual family tradition of Seinfeld writer Dan O’Keefe) includes such activities as a Festivus dinner and the traditional Airing of Grievances, and is symbolized with an ornament-free aluminum Festivus pole.

Whether it’s your uncle or a great pal, cash is the least thoughtful gift there is—even if it allows the recipient to go out and buy whatever it is that he or she really wants, and even if it’s $182 worth of the green stuff.

If you really want to impress someone with your gift-giving skills, it’s important to really keep your ears open. So the next time a friend swoons over, say, a wooden bench, make a mental note of it.

And if it’s not worded just right, it can be the source of much Yuletide disappointment.

By now, even the wittiest plays on a wish for the happiest of holidays has been done to death. If you really want to score some points in the thoughtfulness department, you only need to steal a quote from Yeats or some other Irish poet to bring a tear to the eye of your gift recipient.

Particularly when one decides to re-gift something like, say, a label maker because it’s defective in the first place.

That way, you can ensure that you don’t re-gift an item to the closest friend of the person who gave it to you to begin with.

Particularly if it’s a rather extravagant gift—say, a cashmere sweater—being given to you by someone who is known to keep a tight leash on his purse strings. Sure, it could just be that the generosity of the holiday spirit has overcome the gift giver. But you’ll probably want to check that sweater for any suspicious red dots, no matter how tiny they might be.

Discount-worthy red dots aside, no one can resist the lure of cashmere. The word itself is magical. And worth repeating: Cashmere, cashmere.

You never know who is allergic. And all that sniffling can lead others to believe about the person wearing it.

We’re pretty sure that the J. Peterman warehouse still has a full supply of them on hand. And while this ridiculously large hat may not be for everyone, it’s sure to be appreciated by that fashionista on your list who is looking for an item that combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache.

Or at least have a magnifying glass on hand to properly inspect the photo before sending it out. You never know whether a certain body part may have inadvertently made its way into the photo.

Even if you’re not the one doing it. In fact, it’s part of what Jerry likes best about the holiday season: “People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside.”

Even if you think that you have some sweet, sweet moves in you, it’s hard to maintain any sort of authority after you’ve made your way to the dance floor at a work function. YouTube may not have been around back when Seinfeld started, but you can bet that if it had been, #TheElaine would be trending right now.

Just make sure that when you make a donation in the name of someone else to a charity, it’s a real charity—not the Human Fund.

You never know which on-the-wagon friend or colleague might pick it up and have a relapse. (On the wagon or off the wagon?)

Especially if you’re willing to while away the days dressed up as Santa at Coleman’s department store while strange children sit on your lap and prattle on and on about what they want for Christmas this year.

Sure, there’s Santa and snow and all that stuff, but the first day of spring is a much better choice as far as George is concerned. “You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the…”

Every mall parking lot looks exactly the same. And unless you know exactly where you parked—both the level and the lettered section—it could be hours before you find your vehicle in a crowded parking garage during the holiday season.

Whether it means that you have a bottle of wine or a chocolate babka.

Sure, that hummus may be delicious, but if you want to have another go at it—for the love of all that is sanitary—then use a fresh chip.

You never know who might want to throw that sartorial monstrosity out the window in the midst of all the festivities.

Particularly if there’s a guy in a denim vest looking longingly your way.

Although, 20 years ahead may be a bit excessive, especially if you decide to put a deposit down on a restaurant that will likely no longer be there.

While the mantra may come in handy particularly during the holiday season, it works year-round, too.