Image via Complex Original
Christmas is a season of giving, spending time with your family, and remembering what's truly important. Just kidding. Presents are the only thing that matter, especially when you've got the sweet ass toys of the '90s on your list to ol' Saint Nick. Listen here, Santy Claus. We've been bragging to all our school chums about what awesome gifts we're going to be opening on Christmas. We better not see any socks under that tree or so help us we'll be heading up to the North Pole ourselves armed only with a Nerf gun to annihilate you!
Wow, we got carried away there. Apologies. Take a sleigh ride with us down memory lane and see all your beloved knick-knacks from your childhood—or maintain that hatred for your parents for never getting you what you needed so desperately. These are the toys every '90s kid needed for Christmas.
RELATED: 12 Christmas Movies Streaming on Netflix That Don't Suck
RELATED: A Day in the Life of a '90s Kid on Winter Break
RELATED: Top 10 Rare Pogs of the 90s
RELATED: 90's Board Games That Still Rock
Bop It
Parents' annoyance level: 6/10. We're sure "bop it, pull it, twist it, UUUUUGH!" played in our parents' nightmares for a month or so after this toy mysteriously disappeared.
Basically a fun version of Simon Says, the Bop-It taught girls across the nation how not to give a hand job.
Crocodile Dentist
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. They had to provide comfort to children who are easily scared.
Crocodile Dentist not only helped encourage a whole generation to enter a dental program at their community college, it also inspired kids who liked to torture animals.
Tamagotchi
Parents' annoyance level: 9/10. Parents had to teach their children about death through virtual pets.
Tamagotchis were important to the children who weren't allowed to get a puppy at Christmas time. They were also used to prove responsibility to get said puppy. "Look, Mom, I cleaned up all the virtual poop."
Pogs
Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Parents actually wasted money on pieces of cardboard.
Your slammer is da bomb. You've collected so many Pogs from those stupid second graders. Alf, Bart, this green guy—you probably have them all.
Super Soakers
Parents' annoyance level: 2/10. It encouraged children to go outside and let mom watch Oprah in peace.
Super Soakers were legit, until we got in trouble for bringing the brightly colored "guns" to school. Somehow it promoted violence? Also, if you lived anywhere with a snowy winter, it was torture waiting for spring to use your new gat.
Talkback Dear Diary
Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Parents had to deal with their daughters crying because they couldn't remember their password.
"Hands off, creep, get the message?" It's really no wonder the '90s produced such self-centered adults. All these toys have a talk-back feature. Why did we need to hear our own voice all the time?
Power Ranger Megazords
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. This is not the Zord your kid wanted, and now they're crying because you gave them the blue Ranger's Zord. How were you suppose to know he was the nerd?
To this day, nothing has been as awesome as the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, making these toys essential to a kid's "cool" credentials. They weren't only super sweet, they defined who you were: The Tyrannosaurus, you were a leader. The Pterodactyl, you were probably a girl. The Sabertooth Tiger, your older sister already called dibs on the Pterodactyl. The Mastodon, you were the token black kid. The Triceratops, you got teased a lot.
Don't Wake Daddy
Parents' annoyance level: 1/10. If not for the surprised shriek every kid let out when Daddy was woken up, this game would be virtually annoyance-free.
We have this theory that the '90s were a decade full of absent dads—just look at two of the best X-Mas movies, The Santa Clause and Jingle All the Way, two workaholic fathers trying to win their son's affection. Don't Wake Daddy taught the importance of letting your own work-crazed father sleep in between his two jobs while you quietly played. And, if you did wake daddy, you lost the game and, in real life, got the belt.
Sky Dancers
Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Sky Dancers were perfect for launching an air strike against a sibling.
Sky Dancers were beautiful fairies, and, if you were lucky, they also took out your eye so you could wear a sweet-ass eye patch.
Pokemon Cards
Parents' annoyance level: 3/10. Kids were never satisfied with one pack of trading cards. They had to, of course, collect them all.
We still haven't forgiven that stupid Anthony, who we thought was our best friend, for stealing our holographic Charizard. Go to hell, Anthony.
Gooey Louie
Parents' annoyance level: 1/10. Your child is disgusting.
Why are little kids so attracted to disgusting things? Their hands are always sticky, they avoid baths like the plague, and their main hobbies include picking wedgies and their nose. Gooey Louie, the board game where children try to pick boogers out of Louie without blowing his brains out, was a popular toy. Please don't ask us why.
K'Nex
Parents' annoyance level: 1/10. Oh, the disappointment your parents felt as they cleaned up your discarded K'Nex. You'd never be an engineer.
Legos were just the introduction course to K'Nex. They took dedication and a little know-how. And maybe an instruction booklet to build that sweet roller coaster you saw on the commercial.
Monster in My Pocket
Parents' annoyance level: 2/10. There were over 200 monsters to collect, and kids formed an insatiable need for them all.
Not to be confused with the true pocket monsters, Pokemon, we're sure Monster in My Pocket was met with disappointment. Your parents bought the wrong thing. But then you realized how awesome they were and you begged for the toys, the board game, the clothes, until you realized the true monster in your pocket was... you. You and your greed.
Tickle Me Elmo
Parents' annoyance level: 10/10. Not only was the Tickle Me Elmo unnerving in itself, it was almost impossible to get.
We still remember the chaos that the evening news showed the weeks leading up to Christmas of parents trying to get the Tickle Me Elmo. We didn't even want the thing! But seeing all those parents fist-fight for it made us want it more than anything. It must be good if that many people are willing to stand outside KMart at two a.m. just for a shot at one.
Once we got it, we realized that it was just a stuffed Elmo that giggled when you poked his belly. Thanks Santa, moving on. Your parents are left there Christmas morning, their coffee long gone cold, "But what about Elmo? Don't you want to play with Elmo? Please play with Elmo. Santa worked so hard to get you Elmo. Please for the love of God, play with Elmo."
Spice Girl Dolls
Parents' annoyance level: 3/10. They were expensive dolls and you, of course, had to have all five to avoid breaking up the band.
Spice Girls and girl power itself ruled the '90s. You, or your sister, had all the cassettes, quoted the movie daily, and collected all five of the girls in doll-form. Then, you weren't allowed to take them out of the box and play with them because your mom thought they'd be worth something someday. You did it anyway, and that's why you had to take so many loans out for college.
Gak
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. Gak was successful in entertaining children and getting stuck in carpets.
The goopy slime was sold mainly on the promise that it makes a fart sound when it was squeezed into its container. What a time to be alive!
Floam
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. Have you ever seen Floam go through a washing machine? Our mom has.
Floam, like Gak, was just a slimy product sold to kids, but with added microbeads, making it easier to mold with. And, unlike it's challenger, Play-Doh, we don't think it was washable.
Laser Challenge
Parents' annoyance level: 10/10. The early versions of laser tag came with a constant beeping factor to warn other players when someone was near, and, we assume, to drive parents to insanity.
Laser Challenge was one of the coolest toys that we'd still bust out if we had it around. Unfortunately, our mom gave it away to our cousins because it drove her crazy. Then, we heard, our aunt gave it to a coworker she hated.
Creepy Crawlers
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. There's nothing like letting your child play with molten plastic.
Creepy Crawlers was a lot like the Easy Bake Oven, only instead of a cake that tastes like plastic, kids made actual plastic they melted themselves with a light bulb. Eh, it was better than the '60s version our parents enjoyed, where they melted the plastic at 390 degrees atop an open-face electric hot plate oven. Safety regulations made us soft.
Nerf Guns
Parents' annoyance level: 6/10. Those stupid Nerf bullets were found everywhere or lost completely.
How amazing were Nerf guns? Sure, they're bright orange and their bullets are made of foam, but they transported us completely to a war-torn nation that pitted friend against friend, sibling against sibling.
Hit Clips
Parents' annoyance level: 8/10. Hearing the same 15 seconds of the Spice Girls was a lot like water torture.
Before MP3s there were Hit Clips, which were great if you only liked that one 15-second part of the top pop hits.
1, 2, 3 Roller Skates
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. Your kid looks mad lame in these things and they're still falling down.
There was always someone at the skate rink who was probably way to old for those Fisher-Price skates, cramming his man-foot in the toddler-sized toy because he didn't know how to roller blade. But after we saw Brink, we had to have our very own pair.
Furby
Parents' annoyance level: 10/10. There were a lot of crying kids on Christmas morning when parents had to tell them that Santa looked everywhere for this but they were all sold out. In a panic, parents added, "No, Santa couldn't make more, sweetie. They're copyrighted."
One of the most popular toys of the decade provided about an hour of entertainment until its batteries were forcefully removed because of its repetitive noises. Fun memories include teaching it swear words and ,as the batteries died, its slow demonic voice, showing the Furby's true colors as a spawn of Satan rather than Santa.
Power Wheels
Parents' annoyance level: 6/10. Power Wheels had expensive batteries and, when your kid would run into the house/mailbox/neighborhood cat, they were always more work than they were worth.
A child's first taste of freedom. We never felt cooler than rolling in our Jeep, sippin' on some juice, hollering at the honey bees. No, seriously. Have you ever accidentally run over an underground beehive in this? How fast do you think those Power Wheels could go? Not fast enough.
Easy Bake Oven
Parents' annoyance level: 7/10. Fire hazard, dirty dishes, sugar rushes.
Easy Bake Ovens were a really great concept for kids. Brownies! Whenever we wanted?! No help from mom! Yeah! Except you were cooking with a 40W bulb and, according to our skewed memory of time, it took four hours to cook a single serving. It wasn't quite worth the trouble.
Dream Phone
Parents' annoyance level: 3/10. It helped prepare a parents for the constant anxiety they'll feel when their kids actually start dating.
Dream Phone was really great for getting our expectations high about how many people would be calling our phone off the hook in high school wanting to date us. Alas...
TIGER Games
Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Constant beeping, batteries not included.
TIGER Games were cool, but they weren't that cool. If you got one of these instead of a GameBoy, you were the laughing stock. That's probably why so many of these were donated to your dentist office. You know, to distract from your cavities brought on by Push Pops and Warheads.
Moon Shoes
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. They had to tell kids that Moon Shoes were not for the indoors and then they had to drive them to the hospital.
Moon Shoes, the king of snapping children's ankles. But everyone knows of those injuries. We'd like to draw light to others that weren't nearly as mentioned in the "Caution" section of the instruction. Such as, jumping indoors on top of your bed for double the bounce and hitting the ceiling fan. Or, having to go outside and play with these on the blacktop and, of course, landing on your elbows.
Magic Johnson's Double Jam Basketball
Parents' annoyance level: 5/10. Flying balls inside the house.
As if one basketball hoop on your child's bedroom door wasn't enough to cause damage, Magic Johnson doubled the dosage and had two hoops, so you could compete with a friend. Who knew 10 years later double jam would mean so much more?
Beanie Babies
Parents' annoyance level: 7/10. "Stop touching the Beanie Babies! They're collector items! They're going to be worth money!"
They're cute, they're cuddly, they came with an adorable poem, and parents were fist-fighting in stores and McDonald's lines just to get their hands on them for you.
Polly Pocket and Mighty Max
Parents' annoyance level: 3/10. All those tiny pieces were perfect to choke on or to get sucked up in a vacuum.
Polly Pocket was adorable and Mighty Max was hardcore. Heaven forbid the wrong gender played with the other. The schoolyard never let us live that one down. Destroy gender roles!
Skip-It
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10. Skip-It made kids exercise and get outside, but it also ended in a lot of trips to the hospital.
Here's the thing about Skip-It: You tie this rolling ball attached to a string to your leg that encourages you to move faster and faster. Fun, right? Here's the catch, the rolling ball only works on hard surfaces, like concrete, and definitely not grass. So, you have something whose main purpose is to trip you and break your skull. It. Was. Awesome.
Crossfire
Parents' annoyance level: 4/10, Missing marbles everywhere.
Caught in the Cross-Fiyah! Man, it's still one of the greatest commercial jingles ever created. Crossfire was just a board game where kids shot marbles at each other. It was a simpler time.
Talkboy
Parents' annoyance level: 3/10. It's only a little worrisome that their kid only talks to himself.
Unlike your idol, Kevin from Home Alone, you weren't tricking anybody with your TalkBoy recording skills. It was an OK toy, really, but you're probably still a little disappointed that you never got to use it on home invaders.
Mr. Bucket
Parents' annoyance level: 8/10. Loud, robotic, and spewed balls everywhere.
If there is ever any evidence that adulthood sucks, it's the fact that Mr. Bucket is not only really easy now, but also absolutely pointless. Sigh, why put the balls back inside Mr. Bucket if he's just going to spit them out again? Feels a little like Sisyphus rolling the stone up the hill just to watch it roll back down.