Image via Complex Original
We don’t want to tell you that you’re living your life wrong, but there’s probably a reason why most of your night outs end up leaving you lonely and unfulfilled. What are you doing wrong? All your friends seem to be living the dream on social media but you don’t connect to how awesome parties seem in movies at all. Don’t fret, there are truly very simple steps that you can follow to ensure that you have a grand ol’ time. It’s like how the first rule of Fight Club is don’t talk about Fight Club, but the first rule of party club is have fun and be yourself—you’re a beautiful person who just does everything wrong. That’s changeable.
Dress appropriately.
You wouldn’t wear Ed Hardy to your great aunt’s funeral (or, anywhere, for that matter), you wouldn’t wear sweats and UGGs to your college class (hopefully), so why would you dress wrong for a night out? If you and the boys are just hitting up a bar, jeans and a plain T-shirt are cool, throw on some Jordans and you’re golden. If you’re hitting up classier clubs, that’s where it gets tricky. Suit and tie? Yeah, but make sure it fits, and make sure it matches. It’s better to always be a little overdressed, as long as you aren’t wearing a powder blue tux.
If you do happen to be way dressier than the rest of the schlubs, just explain, “Yeah, I was at a dinner party earlier,” or like, “Sorry, I went to my sister’s bat mitzvah.” That way it looks like you have friends who invite you to things, or you’re a nice guy who cares about his little sister. Win-win. You’re in demand now, boy!
Have the perfect pre-party mix to get pumped.
If Adele is on your “Party 2K14” playlist, sorry that you’re depressed. If Taylor Swift is on your “Party 2K14” playlist, sorry you’re a 14-year-old girl incapable of getting into clubs. The perfect “pre-gaming playlist” will include terrible music like “Party Rock,” because everyone knows the lyrics. It doesn’t have to win Best Mix CD of the Year, it just has to be age appropriate, with fast beats and no angry Adele crooning or songs with soul and guitar like Jewel. Those songs aren’t for you, bro. That’s for your “I’ve had a tough week and I just need a glass of wine in the bathtub” days.
Get the booze.
If you’re throwing a party in your own house, this goes without saying: get the booze. If you’re going to a friend’s house party, be polite and get some booze. If you’re going to the bar, don’t trust your charms and your ability to woo an elder who is well-off and able to buy you many drinks, get your own booze. The most important factor to a good night is, besides hanging out with people you don’t actually hate, is getting loose. Like the Boy Scouts, always be prepared. It’s better to have leftover bottles or cans the next day instead of none come 12:45 a.m.
Always utilize the buddy system.
The thing is, this world is a dangerous place. And even if outside forces (like psycho exes or sexual harassment) aren’t the things you’re most afraid of, you still have to utilize the buddy system. What if you wake up on top of your Las Vegas roof with only a mattress and a pair of boxers, with no memory and no way off? You need your buddies there to protect you, to tell you if you’re trying to go home with someone who looks too sketchy, or if you’re making way too many poor judgments. There always has to be someone who is more clearheaded than the rest who make sure everyone gets their butts home safely. That job sucks sometimes, but be with people who you know would do the same for you.
Don't let anything ruin your good time.
Seriously, you’re out for the night, you’re spending money on drinks, on cabs, the works. You’ve been looking for this night out since the start of the work week. For most people who don’t have 9-5 jobs, they’ve had to beg to have a weekend night off. This is your moment. Do not let anything ruin it. Leave the drama at home. If someone dies, slap some glasses on that jerk and drag him around. We will NOT let SOMEONE ruin this night just because they couldn’t stay alive.
Don't get too turnt.
It happens to the best of us, right? Everyone has woken up to puke in their hair and a saucepan next to their head. How did you get here? Where are you? Where are your pants? The important thing is, make sure this doesn’t happen every night you go out. There’s no one more hated than the one dude who always takes it too far. Don’t get too turnt up every time you go out, or else, like Jimmy Stewart in the classic, Harvey, no one is going to believe you when you say your best friend is a 7-foot-tall bunny rabbit. You’ll be quickly uninvited from most events that don’t start with a Facebook invite titled, “Intervention.”
Cocktails first, questions later.
Most people, when they go out, fall into two categories. First: “I just want to have fun tonight.” Second: “I am going to get laid.” If you’re in the latter category, then it’s always best to employ a lesson from Swingers: “Cocktails first, questions later.” Has there ever been advice that’s more fitting? Buying someone a drink is a sure in with the person, and if it doesn’t work, then you’re only down, depending on the cocktail choice, like $10. Worse comes to worse, that person isn’t interested when you start asking questions. Best case scenario? You just asked a question that charms the pants off that person.
Stick to your drink of choice. Don't mix it.
It’s totally possible to have a great night out and not be able to remember it in the morning. Or worse, being able to remember it but not being able to enjoy it because you’re so…tired. Why did you ask the bartender to mix a vodka soda with a rum and coke in a Big Gulp cup? That was a mistake. The best plan for a night is to drink one thing and stick to it. Sorry, but even if you had the best night of your life, it won’t seem that way if your head feels like four tons of lead and you can’t lift it out of the toilet.
Don't whip it out.
Just don’t do it. Nobody wants to see that. If you’re wasted enough to think, “You know what I should do? Show everyone my penis!” just go home. Go home and don’t go out for a few weeks. Try to figure out where you went wrong in your life. Maybe apply to grad school. Look for a job you’d really like on Craigslist. Start painting monarch butterflies again. Just don’t show anyone your junk until they ask to see it, and then, only in private, where a bunch of people who don’t want to see it won’t be subjected to it.