When reporters and gossipmongers combed through the documents leaked by the Sony hackers late last year, one of the things they found was an audio recording of the meeting where the Vince Vaughn film Unfinished Business was pitched to three studio executives. (How a meeting for a non-Sony film came to be included in the Sony leak is a question best ignored, shut up.) In the interest of public service, here is a transcript of the recording.
KEN SCOTT: Gentlemen! Gentlemen, right? There are no ladies here, are there?
STUDIO EXEC #1: Haha, good one!
KEN SCOTT: Thanks. Guys, my name is Ken Scott, and I've found a screenplay that I'd like to direct that I think is going to blow AND suck your minds.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Both verbs test well with all demographics!
STUDIO EXEC #3: You're too modest, Ken. We know your work. You directed Delivery Man, where Vince Vaughn was a sperm donor with like a thousand kids.
STUDIO EXEC #1: That movie was hilarious! It's one of my favorite sperm-based comedies.
KEN SCOTT: Thank you.
STUDIO EXEC #2: And Delivery Man was a remake of your previous movie, Starbuck—the same movie, but in Canadian.
STUDIO EXEC #3: French?
STUDIO EXEC #2: No, thank you.
STUDIO EXEC #1: You made the same bad movie twice! That's commitment!
STUDIO EXEC #2: You've demonstrated that you are a man who will take any idea, no matter how unworkable, and beat it to death.
STUDIO EXEC #3: The very principle on which Hollywood was founded.
KEN SCOTT: You're all very flattering, thank you.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Now what's this new film you want to make?
STUDIO EXEC #2: Yes, tell us what it is so we can poop money onto it.
STUDIO EXEC #3: Is it the sperm guy again, only this time in Spanish?
KEN SCOTT: Ha, no.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Are you sure? Spanish is very trendy right now.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Es muy bueno!
KEN SCOTT: No, no, this is something else. And I didn't write it. And—I have to be honest here—it has a great premise, but the screenplay doesn't seem finished. It seems like he jotted down a few ideas and never got around to fleshing them out.
STUDIO EXEC #1: I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in you, Ken.
STUDIO EXEC #2: You, a Hollywood veteran, and you come in here thinking that it matters whether the screenplay is ready?
KEN SCOTT: I—what?
STUDIO EXEC #3: What has anyone at this studio ever said to make you think that we cared about that?
KEN SCOTT: I mean, when you put it that way...
STUDIO EXEC #1: If the premise is solid, the script doesn't matter.
STUDIO EXEC #2: And if the casting is solid, the premise doesn't matter.
STUDIO EXEC #3: And if the marketing is solid, nothing matters. Literally, nothing.
STUDIO EXEC #2: They made three movies based entirely on the word "Focker!"
STUDIO EXEC #1: [On intercom] Sharon, let's get a marketing campaign started for Ken Scott's new film.
KEN SCOTT: But I haven't even told you what it's about yet.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Ken, are you going to let us do our jobs, or are you going to keep standing there saying stupid things?
KEN SCOTT: Uh, the first one. Sorry.
STUDIO EXEC #1: So what's the movie about? We gotta keep moving here, it's almost cocaine o'clock.
KEN SCOTT: This is the great part. It really is a killer premise. You've got this guy, see, and he has two business partners, one older and one younger, and the three of them go on a business trip.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Together?
KEN SCOTT: Yes.
STUDIO EXEC #3: Genius.
STUDIO EXEC #1: It's the best film I've ever seen.
STUDIO EXEC #2: I'm not quite sold. On this business trip, do things go awry?
KEN SCOTT: They do.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Sold!
KEN SCOTT: Wonderful!
STUDIO EXEC #2: I mean, I figured. It just never hurts to ask.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Roger, I wouldn't have called it the best film I've ever seen if I didn't mean it.
STUDIO EXEC #2: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to doubt you.
KEN SCOTT: I'm glad you guys like the premise.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Like it? I love it!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Love it? I worship it!
STUDIO EXEC #3: Worship it? I converted to Hinduism just so I could pray to be reincarnated as it!
STUDIO EXEC #1: "Three businessmen go on a business trip." That premise has everything: men, trips—the whole nine yards!
STUDIO EXEC #2: It's almost too much premise for one movie.
KEN SCOTT: Oh, I didn't even tell you WHY they go on the business trip!
STUDIO EXEC #3: There's a reason?? I thought you said this screenplay wasn't done!
KEN SCOTT: They have to sign a deal.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Haha! A deal!
STUDIO EXEC #2: That's great!
STUDIO EXEC #3: Hilarious! Who wrote this, Gallagher?!
STUDIO EXEC #1: So let me get this straight: to sign a business deal, these businessmen have to take a business trip?
KEN SCOTT: Yes.
STUDIO EXEC #1: And a lot of stuff goes wrong?
KEN SCOTT: So much stuff! Like, all of the stuff!
STUDIO EXEC #1: And they swear a lot, and take drugs, and look at naked women?
KEN SCOTT: They do all of that, and more. The youngest businessman, who is mentally handicapped, doesn't even know how to have sex!
STUDIO EXEC #2: If there's anything funnier than a disabled virgin, I haven't seen it.
STUDIO EXEC #3: Do they encounter some comedy wangs, by which I mean those penises that are shown to get laughs?
KEN SCOTT: Nearly a meter's worth of comedy wangs!
STUDIO EXEC #1: It sounds like it's The Hangover meets a thing that's like The Hangover.
KEN SCOTT: Yes, very much so.
STUDIO EXEC #3: I say we greenlight it now, before someone else copies the formula.
STUDIO EXEC #2: I heard Warner Bros. is already developing a comedy about three friends who go on a road trip.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Dammit! We will not be beaten by them again! Who can we get to star?
KEN SCOTT: Vince Vaughn worked for me in Delivery Man. I'm confident he'd make another film with me, or literally anyone else who asked him.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Sure, Vince Vaughn, he'll do.
STUDIO EXEC #2: That's what it says on his business card.
KEN SCOTT: For the young idiot, maybe Dave Franco? He's like a young, straight version of James Franco.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Whatever you say, Hitchcock. And what about the older businessman?
STUDIO EXEC #2: It should be somebody respectable.
STUDIO EXEC #3: It should be an actor who, when you see that he's in the movie, you go, "Oh, that's sad."
KEN SCOTT: How about Tom Wilkinson?
STUDIO EXEC #2: Aww.
STUDIO EXEC #3: Perfect.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Let's start shooting this week.
KEN SCOTT: Now, don't forget, the screenplay is rough. Hasty and sloppy. Just a basic outline, really. Not anything you'd expect professional actors to perform in front of cameras. Most of it was scribbled on the back of a Denny's placemat.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Ken, with this premise and these actors, the film will write, produce, and distribute itself.
STUDIO EXEC #2: It won't be the first time we started production before the script was completely ready.
STUDIO EXEC #3: I'm STILL waiting to see a final draft on The Internship.
STUDIO EXEC #1: But what do we call it? Not Completely Ready is too on-the-nose.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Half-Baked is already taken.
STUDIO EXEC #3: Undercooked Entree?
STUDIO EXEC #2: Incomplete Assignment?
STUDIO EXEC #3: Partial Effort?
STUDIO EXEC #2: Half Credit for At Least Turning It in on Time?
STUDIO EXEC #1: Gentlemen, we don't have time to come up with a title today. We'll leave all of this unfinished business for tomorrow. For now: it's cocaine time!
[Studio Exec #1 pulls a rope, tipping over the cocaine barrel suspended from the ceiling, covering them all in a thick coat of pure Colombian movie powder.]
Eric D. Snider is a freelance film journalist and comedy writer. He tweets here.
