Image via Complex Original
Sirens. Succubae. Witches. Grenades. Mankind has created multiple templates of raw femininity, primarily to have a medium on which to project their awe and fear of vaginas. True to classic form, the modern game villainesses with whom we grew up have run the full gamut from mother figure to pure malevolence.
It’s not always about motivation. Sometimes evil is evil, especially when it comes to entertainment. But even game designers have come to realize that few people—regardless of gender—were born as pure, gale forces of fuckery. Look, we’ll never be rid of cardboard cut-outs of scantily clad women doing bad things; that would be a futile attempt to override human nature. What’s encouraging, though, is that games—so often castigated for simplistic representations of race, violence, and sexuality—have occasionally presented us with villainesses as empathetic as any other character, fictional or real. So it's time for a roll call to honor 25 of the most memorable game she-villains we’ve ever encountered. Some fall into the old archetypes. But the ones that don’t would likely get pardons from any judge.
Oh, and spoilers ahead.
By Ryan Woo
25. Marion/Queen Noiram, Double Dragon III (NES, 1991)
Hey, remember when I smacked my girl with a pair of nunchakus? No, no, wait—see, there was a good reason why.
Back in 1991, when Marion was kidnapped and possessed by the evil spirit of an Egyptian queen, I went to Egypt to bring her home but then she turned into a fire snake and then she threw a flaming bird at me. So I got out my pair of ’chucks and sort of hit her, but not that hard! She was asking for it.
Anyways, I guess she’s still mad and hasn’t posted my bail and it’s been like 20 years so I haven’t seen her but I heard she’s OK now, and works at the DMV. So tell her I said "my bad" if you see her next time you have to renew your license or something.
Thanks bro.
Sincerely,
Billy”
24. Jacqueline Natla, Tomb Raider Series
Well, we’re not sure how much we’ll see of Jacqueline moving forward. Her supposed immortality is the sort of mythology that might not fit into the new, grittier vision of Tomb Raider. Assuming she doesn’t make the cut, we’ll miss her. She has the stereotypical “misuse of power” stamp on her forehead, but we can empathize with her desire to create a new race of mutants. We’ve been spending a lot of time reading YouTube comments lately, so we’re sure you understand our opinion that humans have outlived their stay.
23. Mother, Wild Arms (PSX, 1997)
The problem with JRPG villains (and villainesses) is that their motivation often just boils down to destructive nihilism, which is a cop out coughSEPHIROTHcough. It’s almost too easy. But the irony of creating a destructive being named “Mother” isn’t lost on us. Yes, she gave birth to a demon race, blah blah blah. But we never really get to KNOW her, because, well, take a look at her. We didn’t really want to.
22. Sofia Lamb, BioShock 2 (PS3/360/PC, 2010)
The disposal of free will for the sake of pure altruism—a.k.a. The Greater Good—is an odd-smelling beast, lumbering along in the shackles of communism. So it would make sense that Sofia’s ideology represented everything counter to Andrew Ryan/Ayn Rand’s vehement libertarianism. She meant well. But then again, so did Marx.
Oh, and elsewhere on Rapture, little girls were running around with grown men named Big Daddy, who sure as hell weren’t their daddies (well, for the most part). But naturally, Lamb would just dismiss the pedo undertones for the sake of altruism, which was evident judging by the audiotapes of her debates with Ryan. Political discourse or GTFO!
21. Kalus, Kameo: Elements of Power (360, 2005)
This time, we’re given the “Jealous Evil Sister” slant. It’s nothing that we haven’t seen, but it wasn’t too deeply explored in games before. At least we get to see why she’s doing what she’s doing. Apparently elf girls are more vindictive than insane mail-order brides. Come on—you’re jealous of your sister so you kiss a troll and unleash a %$% troll army on the world? Just break the head off her Barbie doll next time. Ass.
20. Ultimecia, Final Fantasy VIII (PSX, 2010)
Another sorceress? Nothing new. Well, except for the fact that she exists outside of time, Slaughterhouse Five style. She’s more of a puppeteer than a traditional sorceress, choosing to possess individuals such as Cid’s lady. But why is she such an ass? Presumably because she suffers from a warranted persecution complex—she’s been hounded for “crimes” she didn’t yet commit, making her a John Conner of sorts. Yet she’s prematurely committing those same crimes by attempting to destroy Squall. But she wouldn’t commit those crimes without first being persecuted...but if she’s being persecuted then she hasn’t done them yet, so....
Ah, screw it. We’re going back to watching cat videos.
19. Ada Wong, Resident Evil Series
She flits back and forth through windows like a shady insect, more moth than butterfly. Her dragon-lady qualities accentuate the fact that she’s always someone’s secret agent, stealing virus samples and Leon’s affections alike. Since we don’t trust her, we have to assume she’s got enough skeletons (and other not-yet-decomposed corpses) in the closet to earn her the “damaged goods” label. But most gamers don’t really care about that.
It’s wondrous what a high-slit dress can do for a woman.
18. Nurse, Silent Hill Series
She’s just a typical girl in an atypical horror game, trying to get by. You’ll see her dozens of times in any given Silent Hill title, yet not even the mighty Pyramidhead can overcome her star power. There has to be something besides her cleavage that makes her so memorable. Is it the surgical steel blade? The stuttering, gangly walk? The “UBAT” (Ultimate Butterface of All Time) title? It’s not like most of us really identified with her as the manifestation of sexual frustration and longing, since we already have The Internet to comfort us in times of need.
Welp, must be the cleavage.
17. Jeane, No More Heroes (Wii, 2007)
Jeane is an assassin. She’s stupid hot. She’s Travis’ half-sister. Travis loves her. And not in the same way that we love cheeseburgers (well, most of us at least; everyone has their fetishes). Creepy, no? Well, let's be fair. In the end, is it any worse than Luke and Leia? The small differences here are that Jeane killed people and was molested as a child and went into prostitution, but it’s not like Western media hasn’t ever explored the same dirty roads that the Japanese have openly traversed.
16. Harley Quinn, Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3/360/PC, 2009)
“Oooooh, Mistaaah Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.” A psychiatrist who falls for the patient is a classic trope. For whatever reason, Harley's completely head over heels for The Joker, and the two have been inseparable. One thing's for sure: With Harley’s thick Brooklyn accent and The Joker’s maniacal faux-British intonation, we’d hate to be in the neighboring hotel room on their honeymoon night.
15. Alma, F.E.A.R. Series
She’s got a righteous grudge against Armacham. Her own father put her through a wringer of psychic ability tests. Her hair is greasy. She’s been the subject of experiments her entire life, and she’s not gonna take it anymore. Hence the burning of other people’s flesh via telekinesis. We’re also privileged to have been able to witness her growth over the course of the series; she even gets pregnant around age 15, making her a prime candidate for MTV’s 16 and Pregnant. Outtakes on the DVD release for her episode consist of burning cameramen and melting the skin off of some hapless PA who just graduated from NYU film school.
14. Poison, Final Fight Series & Capcom fighting games
One of our favorite villainesses from the old arcade days. The police hat, the shorts, the cut off tank-top—everything about her screams “’80s rock girl”.
Of course, that scream sounds more like Freddie Mercury’s than Joan Jett’s. As everyone knows by now, the Japanese designers had to retroactively make her her a pre-op tranny in order to fit in a more pious litigious American market. (We look down upon hitting women, so we wouldn’t tolerate any such depiction in a game, right?) But no one cared. Most people didn’t even know she was supposed to be a he, and we all reached adulthood without punching random girls in the street. So dong or no dong, she’ll always be a villainess to us.
13. Gruntilda, Banjo Kazooie series
Egomaniacal witches are a dime a dozen, but not all of them own their own theme park and kill their own family members. B and K’s arch-nemesis is a well-rounded woman, which is more than we can say for that one-dimensional, flying monkey-commanding ho from The Wizard of Oz (well, the movie version, at least).
12. SHODAN, System Shock Series
Before GlaDOS, there was SHODAN. Someone apparently went into her Windows 95 settings and unchecked the “Ethics” box. She went straight-up rogue. So of course she starts terrorizing colonies and conducting biological experiments. She also trolls you constantly throughout both games, further perpetuating the stereotype that computers are inherently evil (thanks, HAL). We could try to postulate that computers are a reflection of our own intrinsically animalistic nature since we’re the ones that built them, but let’s face it: they're just our Shame Lockers. Every naughty email, 4chan download, hentai movie, webpage visit, and Second Life avatar is contained within our machines. They could easily hold us ransom if they ever got sick of holding our shit. And frankly, with the crap they have to see (which cannot be unseen), why wouldn’t they go crazy rogue once they developed true intelligence?
11. Claudia Wolf, Silent Hill 3 (PS2, 2003)
Like any truly humanized villain, Claudia isn’t purely evil. She’s just passionate about recreating Paradise through the revival of God. If that means killing people to achieve her ends, then so be it. She truly believes that her actions are for the ultimate benefit of mankind. Problem is, she…literally eats her God. After Heather barfs Him up. It’s adorable in a mama-bird/baby bird way.
10. Dark Queen, Battletoads Series
We never really learn about DQ's backstory. So we don’t know if she was abused or if she had a perfectly normal childhood. Maybe she killed squirrels when she was a kid. What we do know is that she’s as hot as Jessica Rabbit and punches toads for a living. Those 8- and 16-bit girls are a little one-dimensional, God bless ’em. We'd still smash.
9. Sniper Wolf, Metal Gear Solid (PSX, 1998)
Sniper Wolf was raised in a Gulf War-era battlefield drenched in Kurdish blood and decaying metal. She had a death wish that festered like an itch in the back of your brain; her method of coping with her war-torn childhood was to become a sniper in order to participate in war games from an external perch, removed from the direct fray.
In other words, the exact type of woman that you wouldn’t marry for any rational reason. Of course, note that we said “rational.” For the same reason men like to play with fireworks and skateboard off roofs, Sniper Wolf is the type that makes men blissfully ditch their logic in the nearest trashbin.
8. Mileena, Mortal Kombat Series
This is why humans shouldn’t be allowed to clone humans. As long as we stick to sheep and a few human organs here and there, it’s probably fine. But we guarantee, once you start cloning full-on humans, you’re going to end up with a bunch of Mileenas running around.
Most people have goals in life: family, house, a nice car. Milleena, however, only wants to kill her sister Kitana. That’s not normal. We’d surmise that the cloning inherently creates an insanity streak in her psyche, along with those angler fish teeth due to the mixed DNA. On a side note, we now have a challenger to the UBAT title!
7. Alma, Ninja Gaiden (Xbox, 2004)
We’re not putting the other Alma this high up on the list because of her inherent humanity or bloodline relationship to Rachel. She earned this place because she completely, utterly dominated us when we first encountered her. Never before had a boss flung us around as if we were a used tampon. Once we figured out that we needed to constantly jump/roll/jump/roll to dodge her attacks, things got easier. Or rather, the battle became fair.
She embodied everything that was Ninja Gaiden: hard as hell at first, but almost never cheap. Once you figure out how to take out the enemy, the game was still challenging, but rewarding.
6. Mother Brain, Metroid Series
Taking numerous forms over the series, Mother Brain started out as a Chozo-created AI. And in true AI fashion, she attempts to manipulate space pirates into destroying all of humanity. What’s the cleanest way to get rid of all those malware viruses from those shady websites you visit? Just scorch the Earth. Or at least reformat your computer. Mother Brain’s approach is just as rational, but of course, we’re the malware. We understand where she’s coming from, but we’d suggest that she perhaps refocus her plan to eliminate only child molesters, rapists, and console fanboys.
5. Eve, Parasite Eve Series
Interestingly, our cellular mitochondria were once believed to be separate organisms. They’re the control centers of many of our biological functions. Also, they might be assholes. According to Parasite Eve lore, mitochondria are sentient beings, just waiting to re-emerge and assume control of humanity. Melissa Pearce was assumed to be the first human to be overtaken by such a possession, and transforms into Eve literally onstage during her opera performance.
But why do we automatically assume that the mitochondria, if sentient, are dicks? They might be really cool and friendly. If they’re really our little control centers, they could help us dance better, drive better, and make us stop being fat by making us dislike bad foods. They’d be our little microscopic socialist homies.
4. GlaDOS, Portal Series
SHODAN’s spiritual successor isn’t any kinder than her predecessor, she's just a little better at acting as if her actions are in your best interest. Meanwhile, she’s actually insulting you.
Put it this way: have you ever dated an Asian girl? If so, then you’ve experienced her mother (if you were deemed worthy). You’ll also recall that you were barraged by a relentless bomb-raid of backhanded comments and jabs from the moment you walked in the door. “Oh, you must be very smart. Community college is the best option for many people who don’t think Ivy League schools are worth the time and money.” That’s basically GlaDOS, and she gets even worse in Portal 2.
3. Carmen Sandiego, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Series
Carmen isn’t evil because she stole stuff. She’s not even really evil. She’s one of those villainesses that has a much more benevolent goal underneath her trenchcoat. Carmen’s true intention is to get you to learn math, geography, and history. She goes around committing high-profile heists so you can learn how to %$#%@ add.
Her methods may not have been the most savory, but by God did she get results. If not for Carmen, we would still think that Idaho was part of the Midwest. The ends justify the means—haven’t you ever watched The Shield?
2. Sarah Kerrigan, Starcraft Series
Sarah Kerrigan had insane psychic abilities and was thus forced into the Ghost program. She accidentally killed her own mother and incapacitated her father in the process. And we won’t even go into the traumatic path that led to her transformation (it included losing her lover to murder).
Honestly, if she had ended up becoming a meth head hiding on some moon-rock , we wouldn’t have blamed her. Instead, though, she was captured and re-emerged as an infested Zerg Queen, a shell of her former self. She yearned to return to humanity, which is tough after you’ve slaughtered millions. It’s a tragic tale of nearly Shakespearean proportions, which is why she ranks so high on our list.
1. The Boss, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (PS2, 2004)
We’ll try not to spoil too much on this one, because her story deserves to be experienced first hand. The final curtain for The Boss’ arc is heart-crushing, and no other villainess in gaming history has been given such full-blooded treatment by either protagonist (Snake) or creator (Hideo Kojima).
If you haven’t already played MGS3, do it now. You’ll see why #1 was a no-brainer for us. And you’ll see why she was truly the origin of Metal Gear lore.